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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

send my daughters to two different schools-good idea?

32 replies

mpar17 · 11/11/2010 23:29

I have 2 daughters aged 12 and 11 the eldest started secondary school this year and the youngest will start next summer. The youngest has been offered a place at the best performing school (which is not fee paying) in our city. I realise it's a great opportunity but there will never be a place at this school for my eldest daughter. Although I have many concerns, my biggest worry is how going to different schools might effect their relationship. They are very close and I wouldn't like to damage that. Anyone have any personal experiences of this kind of thing or just an opinion? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
harecare · 11/11/2010 23:39

Is there something wrong with your eldest DD school?
If my younger sister went to a different school to me I'd wonder why. When I was told it was because it was a much better school I would wonder why I couldn't go too. I would then be horribly jealous and think I wasn't loved as much.
Your dds may be more selfless and kind than me, why not ask them?

Original poster
mpar17 · 11/11/2010 23:42

No the school my eldest daughter goes to is good just not 'as' good. I put both of their names down for the other school a few days after they were born the eldest wasn't offered a place last year because there were none available. I've spoken to them both and they seem pretty easy about the whole thing...that's not to say they will be when they are 30 and 31 and looking back. I'm kinda like you and think I would be a bit upset about it

OP posts:
TheNextMrsDepp · 11/11/2010 23:51

Hmmm....interesting. I think this may happen to us because dd1 is a complete brainiac and may well get into one of the local grammars but dd2 may not. I don't know that I'd want to hold one back because of the other - it has to be the right school for each.

Original poster
mpar17 · 11/11/2010 23:56

Oh I know it's very difficult isn't it. The school that my eldest goes to no really suits her-no uniform, i-pods on in maths, plenty of drama and music. The other school is so strict and uniform and discipline which would suit the youngest better. Still concerned about splitting them up though.

OP posts:
josie14 · 12/11/2010 00:08

I think you should treat each child individually. If you eldest child had got the place and the younger one didnt. would you consider taking the older one out of the better school to be with her sister. There may be other benefits to having both girls together but I dont think the decision being made about the younger one should be based on the needs or wishes of the older one.

mummytime · 12/11/2010 07:20

Why not discuss it with them? There are schools that some children would love but others hate. Do also share your worries with them, if you are honest now it should help later.

MayorNaze · 12/11/2010 08:02

potentially all 3 of mine may end up at different secondary schools for various reasons not necessarily under my control.

really doesn't bother me - something i always explain to my children is that being treated fairly doesn't always mean being treated the same - what is right for one child might not be for the other an tht is just part and parcel of life :)

i am mean though Grin

Bonsoir · 12/11/2010 08:04

Your DCs' personal and intellectual development is a much greater concern than their relationship when choosing a school. There is plenty of time at home for them to be sisters; school is about developing individuals.

ZZZenAgain · 12/11/2010 08:11

do not hold your younger dd back. Really she will resent it.

It is hard on dd1 of course but if her school is good and she is happy there, has nice friends, it will probably work out alright.

sarah293 · 12/11/2010 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gorionine · 12/11/2010 08:19

I think when we are talking about our children education we cannot necessarely be "fair" in the sense that if their abilities are reallly different they will need different teaching. It would not be good for your DD2 to feel "kept back" because of her sister. If your DD12 is already settles in her school let your DD2 go to the school were her needs will be filled in a more appropriate way.
As an asside, did you really register them in a school days after they were born or did I totally misunderstood that? Is it the usually done thing?

oncemoreintothebreach · 12/11/2010 08:22

Oh that's a hard one. Feel for you. Can they go to different schools and then do some sport/music/drama classes together outside of school? If they already do this ignore me!

I agree that you'd be best to talk to them. It may be that the both the younger and older one may not want to be seen as 'so and so's sister' (not calling your DDs 'so and sos', just replacing a name!).

I went to the same school as my sister 2 years later and was always 'the sister'.

Kez100 · 12/11/2010 08:48

My parents could only afford to send one of us private, so didn't send either. They say, inretrospect, they should have sent my brother as I was better equipped to succeed at Comprehensive. They always tried to treat us equally but we were both very different, so they think they should have treated us differently too.

cantdecidewhattodo · 12/11/2010 08:53

Kez - I am in the same dilemma at the moment, there is a great comp for DD (now in yr6) and she is very bright and a hard worker.

DS however is less self-motivated and I feel needs the discipline of his prep.

It may be that we can only afford on set of fees. Am I being completely unfair to think DS needs it more?

MissAnneElk · 12/11/2010 08:56

Sit down with both of them and talk about it. My DDs do both go to the same upper school but we visited both choices with DD2 and she could have chosen either.

BikeRunSki · 12/11/2010 08:57

My parents sent me and my younger sister to the same school "to be fair and treat us the same", even though we both had options. It really suited here - arty, lax discipline - and not me - academic and sporty, need rules. In retropect my parenst realised that they should have sent me to a different school. They basically chose my school for my sister, it never occurred to them that we could go to different schools.

Bonsoir · 12/11/2010 08:59

There is absolutely no reason on earth to send siblings to the same school if different schools would suit their individual personalities better.

ForMashGetSmash · 12/11/2010 09:07

I have 2 DDs and have often thought "What if they have to go to different schools" and I caame to the cnclusion that this is fine...one school is sited to DD1 and the other is not....they won't reent you later...DD2 has ben offered a place.

I am curious as to why DD1 will never go there though...why will there "never be a place" for her?

mrsbaldwin · 12/11/2010 09:08

This is very difficult isn't it?

Me and my sister (she's two years younger than me) went to different schools - me to local private school on a scholarship, her to local (good) comp.

We had very little in the way of sisterly relations after that - we lived in the same house and that was more or less all.

We don't really have any kind of closeness now although relations are amicable.

But IMO it's very hard to say whether this would all have happened anyway, even if we had gone to to the same school, as we are such different characters. It would be interesting to hear what she has to say about this - I might ask her at Xmas.

Hmmm.

1234ThumbScrew · 12/11/2010 09:14

We live in a grammar school area, dd1 started at a super selective this year. I think there's a good chance that dd2 will also get in, but at this stage it's not so likely that ds would. I've talked to other parents in the area and it's not uncommon for some children in a family to go to a grammar and others not. I think it's better to emphasize the difference in the ethos of the schools and how the laid back one is better suited to your eldest dd etc rather than giving them labels like 'good' and 'best'. I wouldn't hold back your youngest.

cantdecidewhattodo · 12/11/2010 09:27

mrsbaldwin - I went to the same school as my sister and spent most of my time hiding from her until she left.

I never see her now.

Being at the same school did nothing for our relationship. If you are going to get on you will, regardless of the school you go to.

GoodDaysBadDays · 12/11/2010 09:31

Only read your op, not the whole thread.

My situation is slightly different to yours but Ds and dss are in the same year group and didn't get on very well and are very different at school.

They were at same (large) infant and junior school until year 4.

When we moved we decided to try them at different schools as smaller schools.

It worked really well - gave them both a chance to have their own identities and not be compared to each other. Both were walking distance so no problem getting then there, I had to walk past one to get to the other and by that age they weren't collected from the classroom door anymore.

We didn't hesitate in sending them to different senior schools, and as they are so different the same school wouldn't suit them both anyway (having 4dc's, 2 with sn, I realise now that not every school will suit every child).

It really has worked out brilliantly and I would definitely do the same if in the same position again. Both get the support that is right for them and have their own sets of friends so no issues there either.

They even get on with each other better at home now too Shock

Kez100 · 12/11/2010 11:03

Cantdecidewhattodo - my parents certainly wish They had treated us differently. For such a similar upbringing my brother and I have turned out to be completely different work wise. For two children who went to the same school two years apart the difference in experience and outcome remarkable. Of course, my parents will never know what the alternative would have meant.

If they had spoken to me I would have been happy for my brother to go somewhere else. It would have meant boarding and I would never have wanted that.

mrsbaldwin · 12/11/2010 11:24

Cantdecide - that's interesting!

cantdecidewhattodo · 12/11/2010 11:52

I was so much happier whan my sister left school as I was no longer under her shadow (not a good shadow, she was a bit of a bad lass!)Grin

I was able to be ME and not "sister of XX who is bound to be a bad lot like her".

Not saying either of your DDs are bad lots, but there can be expectancy that siblings will be similar from the teachers, whether they be good or bad.

In our case there was no choice as there was only one senior school for miles that you did not have to be canonised to attend, but I would have loved to have gone to a different school.