Finding a friend of the same

[Housewife17]

I know it's not the norm nowadays, however, I've been (happily) a housewife for almost 10 years. I'm struggling to find like 'lifed' friends the same age (early 30s). I just want a friend in the same position who doesn't resent me for the life that I have and who is also in a happy marriage with children. My husband and myself have built our life together, we are equal partners, I just want an equal friend in the same position who understands and is on the same page to share life, coffee and wine with. I have looked at WIs and everyone seems on the older demographic, mummy groups; most seem to be going back to work etc. I already have friends of other demographics, I just want someone of the same where we can directly relate- where do I find her?

I don’t think you can, not easily. It used to be that most women raised families whilst their husbands worked and paid the mortgage with one salary. Lots of women were about during the day whilst the kids as young as 4 would be playing outside, it was very sociable for both the women and the kids, as confirmed by my 87yo grandma who has never worked since marriage in her late teens.

Nowadays most women work on an equal footing with men and for most people 1 salary wouldn’t cover the living costs anyway. Life is not kitted out for raising families, it’s kitted out for paying tax. You need to have this in mind whilst essentially going against the grain in being a homemaker.

My husband and myself have built our life together, we are equal partners

But you aren't though, are you? You're financially dependent upon him.

I understand, I honestly do, it's not always been easy financially - we're ok now but we definitely struggled in the past and although I say we're ok now, we/I definitely still budget now. I appreciate how society is nowadays and absolutely know I'm against the grain, hence wanting a friend who understands my own burdens of life without thinking I'm being entitled or unappreciative of the situation I'm in. Obviously I'm incredibly fortunate in the position I'm in, but myself and my husband have worked hard to get here and when I talk about my general 'woes' it'd be really good to be met with relation instead of confusion or bitterness.

OP, aren’t there other SAHM’s at school/ toddler groups etc?

He wouldn't have his career or home life/children without me and I wouldn't have my life without him. We both give equal measures to our life together.

No, they all work. (School aged children)

Don’t any work p/t?

I understand your feelings. I'm a older mum of a 9 year old. It is really difficult to find that 'bestie'. I have had some good mum friends for short time periods but not for life. Life circumstances constantly change for some people (2nd kid/career/relocation/finances/divorce. I have learnt to reframe my expectations and appreciate the genuine friendships when they show up. I do believe love & friendships come in all types of packages.

My current good friend is in her 70's and I met her through a local community event. She likes walking, coffee, hugs & chats so that fills my friendship bucket.
Don't give up hope you will find her.

That's not what I'm looking for, I'm looking for other Housewives who are on the same page. I have great admiration for working Mothers, and have friends who work full and part time, but this line of discussion isn't for that.

He probably depends on her for the childcare that leaves him free to do some work things (would have been a very different story for my DH with his career choices and work if he hadn't had me to be reliable in that way). He might have been the earner at that stage but I wasn't financially dependent in that I could have got a job and left any time. That was just an arrangement we had.

My husband also depended on me in a number of other important ways that didn't matter to me but were pretty crucial to him. Not everything is measured in income.

I understand. My DH desperately wanted a wife and children. He couldn't do that on his own. If he could have, there would have been no announcing he had to travel for work on x days, which would have seriously stopped his career advancing. He couldn't have attended x event. He couldn't have worked in x location.

Of course he could have if he didn't have children but he desperately wanted that, so.

Your friends are out there. You just need to figure out where to find them.

Best way to meet people and make friends is to get a job. Sorry!

I've found the workplace often offers contextual and transient friendships. If you stay in touch after, it's often professionally driven.

I've made most friends through interest groups.

How old are your kids? I worked part time but met loads of SAHMs at weekday toddler groups. By school age though pretty much the only full SAHMs were people whose kids had significant health issues. So if your kids are all school age then I think it will be harder.

I guess that's true if providing financially is more important than any other activities.

My husband would argue that my job of doing the majority of the child rearing and home making (ie all of it while he's at work, and 50% when he isn't) is more central to the family than his job.

We both view our marriage as a partnership. The idea is that we put in equal effort overall, and gain equal benefit overall. In truth, we each feel that we are the lucky one.

Viewing money as status implies that the higher earner is more important than the lower one. Ridiculous! Or is it based on assets (and I happened to come into marriage with 10x the net £ worth of my husband)? Equally ridiculous- marriage is so much better for sharing everything.

I despise this idea that raising (and in my case educating) children is worth less than earning money. I haven't even met the person who replaced me in my last job. My children will never forget me. I have no idea of the income or net worth of my great grandparents, but I could tell you a dozen stories about each and describe what they were like. Money comes and goes. Spending a quarter of my life dedicated to family is a privilege.

If you join classes that run during school hours you should find other SAHP's.
Going to a gym, daytime yoga or Pilates, art classes etc. Volunteer in a local charity shop/national trust property and seek out the others around your age.
As some comments show, there can be negativity about not being in paid employment once the DC are school age so you may find some of the seemingly working mums are actually not going out to paid work. For example of my closest friends is from a farming family, but whilst her DH is out working, she is usually around.

That sounds a bit restrictive.

I have friends that work f/t, p/t or don’t work. We all have things we can relate too.

Moot point as I'm a housewife (?)

Yes, absolutely, that's why I am still friends with those friends. That's not what my post was about.

Yes I'm finding a lot of negativity unfortunately. It's lonely, that's what made me make this post. I already attend a gym and reformer classes, also a craft class, however it's just pot luck that the women I have met work Flexi hours or are retired. I'm specifically looking for another woman to relate to in all aspect of life, I know it seems restrictive, but I know I can't be the only women in her 30s who is in this situation.

So you already have friends who don’t work?

You are pretty much looking for a unicorn as you want someone in the same situation as you, that you gel with & has room in their life for you. Private school is your best bet.

My children are 7.5 and 9. Yes, everyone who I met during the baby/toddler years tailed off, I still have my 5 life long friends and 2 other friends (one work, one met on a night out when much younger).

Yes, I have thought this, unfortunately the 20% break that got cut was us.

Sorry, i didn't answer your first question - no all my friends work either 4 or 5 days a week.

I mention work sometimes to other mums on the school run (eg when talking about what we’re doing after drop off). Conversation rarely extends into the specifics of my job - it’s literally just 2.5 hours twice a week. So whilst that means I’m not exactly a stay at home mum, I’m not really a proper working mum either and therefore my family set up and daily life is probably more like yours than a working mum. My point is just that you may be writing off people who are probably the type of people you’re looking for.

I will also say that I did go through similar feelings to you at one point and felt frustrated I couldn’t find many SAHM friends. Then I did make quite a few, but I realised they didn’t “get” me any more or less than my working friends did. In fact my closest friend, who shares so many of my values and opinions and has a similar outlook on life to me, has a life that’s set up very differently to mine - she’s quite a high powered career type person.

You can’t predict who will be that person who just “gets” you.