Any other stay at home mums feeling disconnected to their mum friends after maternity leave?

[SAHM85]

Hi I’m just wondering if there are any other mums of toddlers out there who have chosen not to return to work after maternity. I have taken a career break for 1 year and I’m feeling a bit disconnected with my mum friends. Most of them are back at work and understandably their day to day lives have changed and I guess I feel kind of guilty sharing the stuff I get up to with my little girl. I know how lucky I am but also I would like to be able to say when I’m having a hard day and understandably it’s hard for working mums to relate to that. I wonder if anyone else feels like this?

I think the back to work after maternity is always tricky, even if you're all working you might be working part time but different days, you might be desperate to go back to work or dreading it or you might be staying home but not really through choice. You will probably need to shake your routine up a bit, get used to doing some things just you and your baby and maybe make some friends who are also not at work. Maybe try some different groups, swimming or playgroups etc, especially as your baby gets bigger and mobile they'll be interested in different things. Your new baby friends will still be there but they have a lot to fit into their week now and you won't see them as much

I’m not struggling for things to do. We’re out and about all the time. I still see some mums that work part time too but just that I was looking for mums to chat to that can relate with me a bit more. Thanks for the advice though.

I wouldn't feel guilty about sharing. Each to their own.

OP I think your thinking is a bit wrong. Not everyone who went back to work will have wanted to be a SAHM. Not everyone thinks it’s the end all be all.

I felt lucky for the choice and I certainly didn’t want to stay home.

Why are you feeling guilty? It just comes over as smug and maybe that’s the disconnection you are feeling.

I don’t think that at all but many of the mums I chat to do feel that way so that’s my experience. I feel your post is a bit cruel and unnecessary. I’m not having a go at anyone at all. The post was intended to be responded to by anyone in a similar position. Never mind. I’ll delete it since it’s “smug”.

God, I loved going back to work (high pressure job 4 days per week) after a year off with both of mine… but I’d still be a good enough friend to someone that, if they had had a bad day, even if that day looked very different to my bad day, I’d try and be there for a chat and a coffee.

Thats on the proviso though that the SAHM friend was also being a good friend to me, ie not acting like anyone who goes back to work must hate it and that childcare is cruel etc etc. I did experience that with a very small number of mums who stayed at home I’d met ant groups and I quickly stopped having anything to do with them.

And if some of your friends maybe are really gutted about going back to work and it’s all pretty fresh, maybe tone down the posts about how you are loving everything you are getting up to with your kid for now. I could see how that might devastate some parents really. It’s hard not to feel very envious over time with your children.

But yeah, if you are being supportive and kind to them you are not unreasonable to expect it in return, even though your circumstances have changed.

It might just be that you don't have much in common whilst you are taking an extra year out. I certainly wouldn't have related to someone else's delight at toddler time at the library or whiling away hours on leaf painting. Perhaps you'll have more to talk about when you are weighing up childcare options etc when you go back to work next year.

Friendships change. I assume you probably don't have much to do with pre-baby colleagues now either. You're all just at different phases of life.

I made mum friends after having each of my children. With all three the friends that went back full time disappeared, they didn’t have capacity for a newish friendship group. Some (like me) went back part time and we continued to meet up on our days off but the majority of them faded out once school started. Out of approximately 15 mum friends I made over past 25 years (youngest is 10) I’m close to one friend and see her a couple times a month. There a second friend I chat to and see a few times a year. The others I say hello to if I see them in the street/school gate. I think often mum friends are sometimes friends for a time while you have a shared interest. It stung the first time as I really thought I’d made friends for life.

I’d go to groups and strike up new friendships that way.

Yes. All this except I was the full time worker and I disappeared. I was just too busy. I was super, duper ready to go back and delighted to be working again. Felt a bit odd about it with my then mum group friends as I was meant to have loved all the things we did with the babies and to miss them terribly. But I really didn’t. I wouldn’t have been jealous of you at all so it might not be that - they’ll just be busy and juggling and finding their way through a whole new life.

Mum friends are very situational, it’s hard to transition to proper friends. Particularly as the kids get older and have their own ideas about who they’ll spend time with. I kept one friend from the baby days but we get together ourselves, the kids aren’t involved as they aren’t friends.

The only thing I had in common with the other mums was a baby. As soon as we went back to work, sports and social life, those friends became unnecessary because we saw people with whom we actually had things in common with again. There are one or two I still see, but the toddler is reasonable company now so I don't desperately need adults to talk to. All my colleagues are parents too, so I can moan about sleepless nights at the water cooler.

What are you going to do when your kids go to school? If you're already feeling isolated, you need a plan.

I'm not really clear on what the issue is. I have a group of mum friends that I have stayed in touch with and all of us bar one went back to work. The one that stayed at home, certainly doesn't feel guilt at sharing what she does and why on earth would she? None of us give it any second thought.

I do never understand when stay at home mums say they are "lucky" to be at home as it's sort of an assumption that all women want to be at home. Some do but many don't. Me and my mum friends, most of us have 2 kids under 5. We're all very open about the fact how glad we are we all work as none of us could face or hack being at home 5 days a week. I really wouldn't assume that all your mum friends want to stay at home!

Of course some do and that's absolutely fine!

I would like to be able to say when I’m having a hard day and understandably it’s hard for working mums to relate to that

I don't understand this. How is it hard to relate? Mum's don't stop being mothers when they go back to work. Many work part time and spend weekends and non-working days with their kids. They still have hard days, deal with tantrums, sleepless nights, morning and bedtime battles. They still have all the same issues you will have!

I kind of agree with this.

I think you feel awkward because you feel so lucky. And that's wonderful - great that you are happy.

But many working mothers are very happy to return to work.

So don't overthink it - they are still parents and can still relate to parenting things. Show an interest in and ask questions about their lives and I am sure they will return that.

I think what she meant there was - since everyone really wants to be a sahm but only she in this group is lucky enough to be able to be, she would feel uncomfortable being open about bad days.

It's a shame she feels uncomfortable because I almost guarantee her friends wouldn't think anything of her complaining. We all know parenting involves good and bad days whether you work or not. I can't think any working mum who thinks being a stay at home is a 24/7 non-stop joy fest!

💯!

Flip this round the other way ... do you dislike hearing the other mums talk about their days at work, the challenge of getting ready in the morning, feeling exhausted at the end of the day? Do you think they feel guilty that you are stuck at home with the toddler while they get to go out and have adult conversations that don't involve small children and can earn their own money?

Also, are these friends that are mums, or people that you got to know simply because you had a baby at a similar time? If the latter, then they are potentially "situational friends" and won't last anyway. Can you ask them if they mind you talking about your day? If you can't, then they are not friends.

Presumably most of your mum friends are people you met due to having a baby at a similar time e.g. antenatal, baby classes. You likely bonded due to shared experience and that has now changed. You need to navigate through this adjustment period and work out who will remain proper friends. Proper friends will be happy to hear your highs and lows, and share their own. You may find you no longer have enough in common with some friends, or your schedules no longer really align, and that's ok. Friends for a season and all that.

You're overthinking it. I doubt many working mums will really give much of a shit whether you work or SAH. No need to feel guilty about sharing what you get up to at all, as long as you manage to find other topics of conversation as well - nobody wants to spend time with a bore! And no need to feel that you can't share when you're having a bad day either - they are all parents and will be able to relate.

Of course, it might be that you realise in some cases that you never really had anything much in common other than having had babies at around the same time. In that scenario, there may not be much of a genuine friendship to maintain. But if these people are actually friends in the true sense of the word, then it won't matter a jot whether one of you WOH and one SAH.

Some of my best friends were stay at home mums. I did not envy them.

We discussed our days and the realities we were dealing with without censorship.

I think you are assuming that they might be envious of you onto them and then you are censoring yourself. Just do you.