Early Retirement in my 50's And Unsure How To Find Purpose

[Thejetty]

I have entered into early retirement thanks to the menopause and some pretty major life stressors over the past couple of years which has taken its toll on my mental health.
The job market looks bleak and financially, I don't have to work.
Whilst this is a good position in a way, I also feel that I should be contributing (early 50's).
I still have school aged dc as I had dc later in life but wonder what my contribution is now (I worked in various admin jobs) in between having 3 dc of varying ages. I was a sahm for many years having supported a husband with a good career and having very little support in real life (parents unable to support etc.). Grandchildren (if any) will be a long way off.
I have contemplated volunteering but I can't decide what to try and I am concerned I will become bored (query adhd yet to be diagnosed). I'm struggling to know what to commit to. There are often politics in various situations and it is something I want to avoid as much as possible.
Apart from joining the gym and attending an interest group and visiting my couple of good friends and acquaintances for coffee, my world is small (I am grateful for my friends).
I am pretty certain I have an ND and associated anxiety and low mood. I don't know how to go about this. I'm going to have to 'do' something to change my situation. Still feeling tired and a burnt out but gradually improving (I hope).
I have always been a people pleaser. I am disappointed that I didn't have more of a career in a caring profession but I'm too tired to retrain and feel a lot of grief that this boat has sailed. It is likely that I'm going to be on the receiving end of care sooner or later. I did think about working with children with SEN but maybe now in a voluntary type role due to my own life experiences and my dc's.
I do love the outdoors conservation etc. and also books (no charity bookshops on the doorstep but books have always been of interest.) However, I probably need a role serving others as that's where I feel at my happiest when I'm needed.
Anyone?

School governor, or secretary for their meetings? Library book delivery? Is there a community farm near you?

National Trust volunteering?
Start a bookclub?
Sign up for courses / groups at University of the 3rd Age or WEA
Join Ramblers Assoc
My Mother was almost certainly ND - she loved genealogy groups online

Schools often looking for volunteers to hear children read 1-2-1. It’s rewarding seeing them start to get it/enjoy reading more. You just go in and do it then leave. Not really any politics

I volunteer at a heritage site. It's very rewarding, and no politics.
My spirits lift everytime I see the beautiful building.

I would do something creative right now or get out into nature as much as possible and you don’t have to make any decisions until it feels peaceful to do so.

You could also go to an adhd coach, you don’t have to have a diagnosis to see them, tell them what areas you struggle with and they will help you with solutions. Sometimes it’s as simple as an app or timer or system that can be so simple and change your life.

if you can get out for walks around trees or nature you will find your way.

I retired early and did voluntary work for a heritage charity helping to run their second hand bookshop. Interested in books, like you, and gave me a structure to my week.

Have you considered non-legal Judicial roles? All sorts of tribunals need lay members. Very flexible: you just tell them when you're available.
https://judicialappointments.gov.uk/current-vacancies/

Those roles are paid, or you could look into becoming a magistrate (unpaid). Lots to fulfil the "public service" and "doing something worthwhile" needs.

In a similar vein lots of regulatory bodies and other boards need lay members and again very flexible. They tend to advertise individually. Or there is a portal for public appointments. Lots of opportunities for flexible, interesting part-time roles in these spheres.

Definitely look into volunteering. You may have to try several options to find the right place, but you have the skills and time to really help.

I volunteer for a charity called Embracing Age. It's so rewarding.
That and a dog!
I live alone though. 55 and DC left home 9yrs ago, all grown up. Can't work and I do understand your feeling of not having a purpose. Difficult, isn't it?

It depends what you feel would refill you rather than deplete you. Maybe something outdoors like a local conservation group? Poke around local Facebook notice boards to find a group that is clearing ponds, picking up litter or cutting back scrub? Or volunteering for a mental health charity like Mind that often will have gardening projects on the go because it is so great for recovery.

I retired at 54 and had to wait for DH to join me. So I had almost 5 years alone, he is 2 years younger plus didn’t start his pension till later than me, I was 21 when I started mine. By then DS was coming up to 20 so no small kid stuff to do. I tried lots of volunteering, walking groups, paid for classes and the U3A.

I tried 7 voluntary organisations, 3 have stuck. That’s the beauty if it isn’t what you think it will be you can walk away. Now DH and I travel a lot in our motorhome they are happy for me to dip in and out. When home I do a full day with one and a morning with the other two.

Walking groups I tried 5, one was all women, I loved that group but they became too successful and walks of about 5 to 6 became walks of about 25. I was in that for close to 3 years. The others were mixed and ok and I am still in a couple. One had the walk leader get us lost and a 5 mile became a 10 mile so I did not go back.

I had something on every day but I get bored very easily and as I was quite young all my friends were still working. When at actual home I read, game and hand sew.

Thank you for all your suggestions.

I think the thing is, I relate being paid to contribution.
I have to be careful because it's not only saying that I feel worthless doing xyz but that others do too because they do xy and z and I primarily feel judgemental toward myself.
I don't feel like I have any proper skills. I obtained a good degree and never used it. I think due to my nervous system and ND there is a lot of grief around this.
I have a lot of (negative) life experience. I don't want to be the one being helped, I want to be the helper as I relate it to being in a kind of victim/vulnerable role. For instance one of the conservation groups invites individuals with learning disabilities. It puts me off because I don't want to think of my own difficulties and the fact the menopause has caused some cognitive difficulties. Again, it is more about judging myself and not facing up to how difficult life can be for myself sometimes. I have a lot of compassion for people but have some kind of issue with control and performance and not admitting my imperfections of which there are many.
Sorry, rambling, not sure I'm making sense.
I suppose a lot of people loose their identity when they retire whereas I don't feel like I've had an identity (or can come to terms with it.) to loose.

Visciouscurrentbun It is having the confidence to try different things I guess.
This would be the best plan but my confidence feels low. Glad to hear you are enjoying your motorhome. And well done for trying so many things/groups I know it is probably what I should be doing.

Your focus seems to be your self esteem and mental health - can you put aside a year to work on these? Don't aim to commit to anything else until you feel a bit more grounded? As in, put your own oxygen mask on first; when you are back on firm ground then you can go back to helping others.

The idea of an ADHD coach sounds really good; that or some counselling/therapy? Maybe a trip to the GP if you're struggling with brain fog (possibly benefit from B12/HRT/whatever?)

Yes LadyGardener I think you are right. I am about to pay to see a psychiatrist privately to sort out any medication. HRT alone doesn't seem to be doing the trick. I am also receiving one type of therapy in respect of my early trauma. I guess I feel frustrated.

I do recognise I need to put my own oxygen mask on first, I thought this as I was typing.

Then look to an ADHD coach for advice. Looks like I've got a way to go. I'm going to take up a couple of interests along the way just to try and enlarge my world if only by a bit. Feeling very overwhelmed.

I think you would make an amazing Beanstalk reader, have a look here. Lots of support and training etc and so valued by schools.

Volunteer with us | Coram Children's Charity https://share.google/7oPLNC8K2kilj87sF

I was going to suggest you volunteer as an Independent Visitor - if you follow the link @Toddlingabout2has posted, you will see it listed on the Coram Voice homepage.

Is there a volunteer network near you? They often have lists of roles available. I am sure you would be snapped up by many charities for your admin skills but that often doesn’t include meeting people and may well include politics.
If you want to be hands on maybe consider Home Start, Riding for disabled ( which I think has changed its name, or going into school to hear kids reading. I am sure that as you build new networks with interest groups that you will find things to suit you.

It comes across that you want to feel needed. Do you have a dog?

Thank you for all your responses.
It is so difficult trying to build up a network of friends to do things with.
DH still working.
Some things I am just going to have to take the plunge.
I feel disconnected from myself.
I have taken up a dance class which I love but that is only one hour a week.
I have been to the gym on a trial basis but I struggle with that as I want to natter and everyone seems intent on going to exercise or already knows someone. I did enjoy aqua aerobics and I do love the water but the thought of just swimming up and down (I don't swim seriously), I need to justify membership.
I struggle a bit with small talk. I'm going to aim to try something different each week for the next few weeks.
I am an outdoors kind of person.
I also want to help others and be needed.
So difficult.
Particularly making new connections.

I'm planning to retire early 50s and think about this stuff a lot- also neuro divergent and most volunteering would drive me completely crazy (I have done enough of it during my working life)- the egos, the politics, the inefficiency.

One role that might work for you is wildlife surveying/monitoring which can often be done voluntarily, gets you out and about and provides huge value to charities.

I'd also recommend The Middle Passage by James Hollis.

Gudrun
Do you have any plans for early retirement? Good social network?
Everything feels trial and very error.
I have done some conservation work in the past.

I think I could almost fill the working week with one activity or another. The question though is social connection. I don't tend to see people other than one good friend from week to the next. Not like work where you show up and people tend to be there (worked in office environment).
Not passionate about any one thing and that makes it tricky.

I volunteer for a national museum with a large and rich volunteering programme that offers support and mentoring to a range of people. I work mainly with children and families. If you have anything like that near you or a heritage site, I would consider it - they seem to attract lovely people. If you are worried about being bored, look at what the programme offers, the number of roles - eg if in a museum/heritage site, are you being used as human signpsosts/room stewards? Or can you get involved in delivering activities, talks and tours, building skills, knowledge and confidence, or try out different roles, eg preservation/FofH etc etc? Ask questions! My volunteering is mainly talking to people and I love it 😀. I'm sure there are politics but in a large organisation, with proper support, rotas, training etc, I can mainly just focus on my role and how I want to develop.

No advice, just a hard relate!

I retired last year at 55 and I’d say that there was a period of recalibration for me. You don’t have to have it all worked out immediately

I do still have a child in school so I’m up at 7 during the week. I also do a very small amount of freelance training online ( which totals about 9 hours a week ). I was very conscious that I was leaving a role in central London and all the accompanying hustle and bustle of the city so I try and get back in at least once a month for a meet up with former work friends or an exhibition.

Locally I volunteer for my library helping with the stock but next year I hope to volunteer for the Wimbledon literary festival in October. I attend a monthly book club and have just set up a library account for the group so I’ll do the admin for that. ( they’re workers!!!). If you wanted to set up a club you could put an add on meet up or next door.com etc.

From an activity point of view I have been playing tennis for 2 years and it’s probably the most sociable activity I done. Other retired people i know do art classes, lead walking groups, community conservation work or are welcome staff at the Tate. There’s a lot out there but you don’t have to have it all worked out immediately.