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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Escort Agencies

52 replies

Picadilly · 26/02/2010 18:25

How do these work then?

I've discovered for DH's google search he has looked for blonde escorts.

2nd time in two years I've discovered something like this.

What's going on?

OP posts:
ClaraJo · 26/02/2010 22:09

"I can't discuss it with him, because him actually sleeping with someone else is ridiculous. His friends would probably vote him the least likely person to ever cheat."

Oh dear. Sorry. But I was surfing for something totally unrelated when a pop-up for a swingers site appeared on my screen years before my ex left me and he excused it as "god, just one of those things that pop up". I later found out he had been surfing for casual sex (and actually followed up on it). When we split up, everyone around us went into shock, having regarded us, in true yearbook style, as "couple least likely to".

BrahmsThirdRacket · 26/02/2010 22:12

Being disapproving of men who cheat/lapdancing etc. is no indication of what their true feelings are on it ime.

But I can understand why you don't want to pursue it further. Sometimes things are better left unpursued.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2010 22:16

well yes, leave it unpursued if you don't want to rock the boat

and you have no interest in your own peace of mind

and you think he has the right to make you feel like that

and you would rather turn a blind eye than actually challenge your own partner

and his needs take precedence over yours

yes, good plan

crankytwanky · 26/02/2010 22:21

I would confront him, if only to ease your mind. Someone he knows might have mentioned it,and he took a look. (It's now on my history!)

ItsGraceAgain · 26/02/2010 22:24

What you say is unarguable, AF. But still ... she's found two searches for an escort in 2 years of browsing history.

There was a thread a few months ago, from somebody whose H worked away most of the time and had a zillion searches for escorts in the area where he worked. I feel her H was 'making' her feel unsure of herself ... and was cheating: maybe more to the point, lying & putting her down to cover his own misdeeds.

But twice in 2 years? I'll probably be shot for this, but - even if he'd booked himself a blonde both times (which is unlikely, on just one web hit each time) - it wouldn't pose any real threat to a marriage.

Feeling unable to ask is a bit of a worry, but maybe she'll find a way to do it that suits their domestic style. I dunno.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2010 22:27

I dunno, either, grace

but I would have to ask

that is all

I am sorry you feel you cannot ask, OP

because if you did, you might find an explanation that was acceptable to you

otherwise, you don't have peace of mind

ItsGraceAgain · 26/02/2010 23:25

hijack: Good to see you, twinklesky
How's life?

mathanxiety · 27/02/2010 02:26

Well, she says twice in two years, but was that the only two times she ever looked at the history? Or does she go through it every day and only came across the agencies twice in all that time?

I vote for saying something along the lines of "Is there anything you would like to talk about with me?" or "Anything bothering you in our relationship.."

crankytwanky · 27/02/2010 07:46

I wouldn't be so subtle, mathanxiety!

I'd say to him; "why the fuck are you sleeping with hookers?"

Lots of men seen to only admit to cheating after faced with evidence or asked outright. If the OP has the kind of relationship with her DH where she feels awkward talking to him, he isn't likely to spill his guts readily either I reckon.

Good point about him deleting his history though.

BaggyAgy · 27/02/2010 07:47

Hi, why bother to ask. Men who cheat generally tell huge lies about it or simply deny it. If they are caught red handed, they will blame your behaviour for their cheating. You then end up feeling bad about yourself

EVye · 27/02/2010 08:03

You should be able to mention this to your husband.

If it is a mistake then he will be able to put your mind at rest.

If he was looking but not doing anything about it he could probably still put your mind at rest.

I agree with Anyfucker, I think that the fact you cant talk to him about this is the most worrying thing really.

twinklesky · 27/02/2010 09:39

ItsGraceAgain Hi...things are in the spectrum of OK. Spoke to IDAP and that was very useful. Thank you for asking x

Picadilly:

I'm not trying to worry you here but something is really concerning about what you are saying. On the one hand you are saying you have this relationship where everything is wonderful, he would defintely not cheat on you, you spend all your time together, yet you are saying you can't talk to him about something?

Do you think he is going to make out that you are accusing him? Because you have a right to discuss anything in a relationship, and if something is bothering you, it isn't good enough to just sweep it under the carpet.

mathanxiety · 27/02/2010 19:21

If you ask him, even in a roundabout way, and he is non-responsive, or if you confront him directly, and he denies it or tries to turn the tables on you and get in a huff about you 'snooping', then you'll know you have something on your hands that needs dealing with. It's hard, but in the end suspicion can be very corrosive too.

GrendelsMum · 27/02/2010 19:28

Well, the other possible alternative is that he and his mates / colleagues have been talking about this down the pub / at work and he has come home and googled to find out more out of curiousity rather than anything else (to be honest, a bit like teenagers do, or like we google 'dragon butter' on Mumsnet). As the one woman in an office with 15 men, I can assure you that this sort of silly conversation and googling does go on at work, and that certainly not all the men were then rushing out to sleep with escorts. In fact, some of the conversations were more like 'hey, take a look at this, some wankers pay £1000 for a night with her, I'd pay her about 30 quid'. I'm not saying that this is the case, or even that it's likely to be the case with your DP, but it does happen.

memorylapse · 27/02/2010 19:35

onloy one way to find out..ask him...we dont know why your DH has looked at escort sites..he does

absinthe · 27/02/2010 19:51

How's business? Are you sure he is not thinking of advertising himself or setting up an agency? There is a lot of money in that line of business

chubbasmum · 27/02/2010 20:59

i agree with everyone who said dont brush it under the carpet nice blokes are human beings too you know, if you dont raise the issue now who knows how far it will go next time. THIS IS EXPERIENCE TALKING

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/02/2010 15:07

absinthe, there is very little money to be made by a straight guy offering sexual services to women - and running an agency (ie, acting as a pimp) isn't something to be tackled by the amateur. Especially since it's illegal.

I don't think that's what the OP's OH is up to though, but she really does need to ask him direct.

BigBadMummy · 28/02/2010 15:53

why come on here asking "what's going on" if you don't want to hear the suggestions or do anything about it?

Why not just ignore it in the first place rather than acknowledge it and come on here with it?

Original poster
Picadilly · 28/02/2010 16:50

I posted, BigBadMummy, because I was looking for some reassurance. I probably wanted posters to say "Oh don't worry, he may have looked at the site out of interest, but it no way means he has done anything physical with some one else." Which in fact is what I believe. I was quite shocked at the time, and wanted to tell someone about it, but couldn't say anything to anyone in RL. Which is the beauty on Mumsnet.

At the time of posting the OP, I didn't know if I was going to confront DH or not...I was kind of working my way though my feelings. I may bring it up in the future, I may not.

I probably won't to be honest. If he was shagging around he would deny it (if he valued our marriage) and if he didn't deny it, we wouldn't split up, so effectively I would be condoning his infidelity.

Maybe I'd rather be one of those old fashioned wives that like to turn a blind eye, or maybe searching his PC history was a bit like looking into his mind when an attractive woman walks by...I really don't want to know what he's thinking, but he's perfectly entitled to those thoughts, as long as he doesn't act on them.

Having given the situation some thought, for several reasons, (which I won't go into), I am actually quite confident DH was just having a curious peek.

OP posts:
CaidenTaylor · 14/10/2011 23:34

I cannot the believe the language typed on this site, and the blissful ignorance of one's partner. Why come on a site and ask strangers, communicate with him. It's 2011 most people have seen prostitutes, it's more productive as well as cheaper than trying to get a bit off your partner or going on a date, lol.xxx

LancsDad · 14/10/2011 23:52

Talk to him.

If my wife went through my online history she'd see I'd looked at a couple of massage parlour websites. I went on them following a few conversations at work with 2 guys who worked for me who were comparing notes on which of the girls they'd been with. My curiosity got the better of me having been told just how attractive the girls were.

It never occurred on me to delete my browsing history, just as I don't think it's occurred to her to check it, or me to check hers for more Jimmy Choo purchases.

buzzskeleton · 14/10/2011 23:55

This thread is over a year old. Hmm

LancsDad · 15/10/2011 00:01

Oops

BustersOfDoom · 15/10/2011 00:08

But looking at these sites proves absolutely nothing. It doesn't prove intent or deed!

I searched for escorts in my city as someone told me a former colleague - who bullied me to shit - was working as an escort. I searched and found her. Vastly overpriced I might add for such a poisonous cow...

And I also had a nosy round a couple of swinging sites after being told that our old neighbours were die hards of the scene. Didn't find them but had a good laugh at some of the ads, profiles and pictures. I was amazed at how many people had full pics of themselves on their profiles. I'd be worried sick that someone I knew or worked with might see it and out me!

I have zero interest or intent in either hiring an escort or taking part in swinging but I did find it interesting. It was like peeking into another world.

I suppose the difference is that I told DP what I was doing and showed him various pics and pages but if I hadn't I would be devastated to think that he would assume that because I had looked at this stuff I must have planned to take part. Sometimes curiosity is just that. Looking at this stuff on the internet is safe. Actually going through with meeting up with someone is a whole different ball game.

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