should dh go now? found receipt for bottle of vodka

[youwontknowme]

he is off sick, but not really sick, just lazy. i went to work and knew on coming back he would be drunk.
am i too used to it?

he wont go.
the last i dont know how long have been hell.
he normally drinks wine but is the vodka the last straw?

how can i get him to go?
should i let him stay in the hope that he will change. go back to work.
and what about dc's?

I'd give Al-Anon a call (for families and friends of alcoholics). They often give good, solid, practical advice, which will be focused on you, and not your DH.

020 7403 0888

thanks. i am too tearful, as usual.

I second Al-Anon. You need some support from people who have been there or are there.

i will put a Watch on this so i know the number for when i am perhaps strong enough to call.

i don't like his drinking but as he normally works and isnt always blind drunk,, just too much for my liking. unable to drive in the evening, pick up dc's from clubs, help in the house, have sex,... blah blah. it seems hard to justify.

my heart goes out to you.
please call al-anon, it doesnt matter if you cry.

Crying is so, so normal ... really, they won't bat an eyelid. In fact, it's usually when the tears hit that people start picking up the phone to call for help.

You're doing your best, you won't be judged, and the timing might just be perfect for a change ...

His drinking is clearly causing a big problem. And his "illness" today may well be because he's badly hungover and wanted the vodka as a hair of the dog. Vodka isn't as bad as it can get. What's more worrying is that you found the receipt but not the bottle - that suggests he's hiding his stashes of booze and that is a very big warning sign. Staying off work to drink is another serious concern. How often, and how much, does he normally drink?

Whether it's the "last straw" is for you to decide. Can you face continuing to live like this? Do you have any belief that he wants to stop drinking?

Your dh sounds a bit like my last victim ex-husband. Would buy half a bottle of whisky on the way home from work and steadily work through it so that there was no way he could ever be available to do anything - especially not pick up or deliver children or for us to go out anywhere as a couple.

He didn't have what I would describe as a serious drink problem but he used drink as the most useful element in his avoidance techniques. In the end, he managed to avoid himself right out of our marriage and to be honest, wasn't missed.

I can't say whether you should stay or go but from what you describe, home life doesn't sound great and this must have a negative impact on your children.

Is your husband prepared to discuss his drinking with you? Or recognise that his behaviour is affecting you so badly? Or give the impression that he cares at all?

You're so upset as you're in a marriage of one and a practical parent of one - phone the number that people have posted - you DESERVE support - do it now.

"how can i get him to go?".
Through legal means (some solicitors do a free 30 minute consultation). Is the house in joint names, are you married?.

"should i let him stay in the hope that he will change".

Short answer is no. These men do not change.

"and what about dc's?"
All this is affecting them no matter how young they are. They are learning from you both. Children who grow up in a household where a parent is alcoholic can go onto develop all sorts of emotional and relationship problems as adults. Do not leave them that legacy.

Most women in these situations end up as their partner's enabler. Do not enable him (or drink alcohol with him any longer if you have done that in the past).

You need to remember the 3cs when it comes to alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Please call Al-anon; they will listen and can help you. You are not responsible for him.

thanks for further feedback.

we rent from HA.

we have large debts.
however i spose nothing is insurmountable.

I found reading alot of books on addiction helpful (mostly autobiographies by addicts or family members.)
I felt I gained some understanding of this terrible disease and also my reactions to it.
If you can't face Al Anon yet try just reading their stuff on line to start with. There are times life with an alcoholic is just too overwhelming so do what you can.

He won't change. Not soon enough for you not to be damaged anyway, so do what you have to to make you happy.

Nothing is unsurmountable- you are absolutely right. Do look for that support, and post here when you want to- there are a lot of people who have been in your shoes and have come out the other side. You really can do it.

he now says he is depressed, and reckons he is not drinking
i don't believe him any more.
last night it was all, i have bright lights in my eyes when i close them, but i spose i have turned a corner, in that i dont believe it is anything but alcohol related.