my dh opinion of me.......

[fatgit]

he thinks i am a slandering backbiting bitch.
he thinks i am a liar who has also let him down at every turn. apparently i stab him in the back whenever he is ddown. he wishes he could reverse time so he never met me. he could have married an educated girl who would have been noble. apparently i know nothing about nobility. and embarass him, insult him in front of his family at every turn. he doesnt want his family here coz i would degrade him. when he was young, he says he used to see low class people fight, and that is what he feels i have brought him down to that level.
if thats his opinion of me, why doesnt he give me a divorce? because he thinks that he has put his sweat and blood into this house, and the law would unfairly give some of it to me. whereas i have done nothing but sit around being a parassite of him.

christ, if you know nothing of nobility, I don;t see how it could ever work!!

Really why give him the choice of divorce -- do it and get rid of him...

he means noble as in honourable.
how do i divorce him? the fact is, im also pretty darn scared. what about the devil you know sort of thing?
was thinking of trying to get off antidepressants, but now am thinking of getting doctor to up the dose...
my parents are coming next month. they want to have a relaxing holiday with the grankids. if i make a fuss, they will be miserable. if i dont, i knwo he wont.

fatgit
go away RIGHT NOW, and change your name to "gorgeousCurvyLady" !!!
I dont know you, and I dont know your dh, but I can assure you that what you say isnt so very different from my dx's opinion of me.

do you want a divorce yourself? sounds as though you have a few legit grounds. verbal bullying isnt v nice.

go where nighty? i have no money, all assets are joint. what am i supposed to do with three kids. if i stay, i have roof over my head, food to eat, and the kids have decent clothes to wear. he is always working, so its not as i f i see him that often anyways.
i would love to go, but where?
i know i am not sounding as if i am going to help myself. but at the moment i am still very upset, and dont want to do anything without thinking out the implications.
im fatgit, coz thats what he thinks i am

Then the first thing you should do is change your name. If you don't have any better opinion of yourself than that, then he won't.

You deserve better than to have anyone think you're a fat git, let alone to have so little self-esteem that you use it as your name here.

fatgit
I do sympathise. dx and me have been stuck together for about 5 years, increasingly frustrated and knowing we are going to divorce, because neither of us could manage financially on our own. Must be the longest *** divorce in history!
We were lucky enough to be able to buy another house, so mostly, Ive been working and living in one house, and hes been in the other one, with the children. The 2nd house was cheap, quite far from the first one. We still own the 2 houses jointly which is a PAIN, and we are still a bit financially entangled.

But, we are both looking for someone else now, and boy do I feel better! ! ! He used to go on about my "fat a**e" Since feeling single, Ive lost 3 stone, and now its "You're dieting to look like a model - well it doesn't suit you - you think you look nice but you're too thin"

Guess how much it upsets me this time!

Seriously, you need to get out of the situation where you are being insulted that much.

Can you talk to him so that he could consider some realistic options for what might happen to your shared assets, rather than simply feeding his fears of being taken to court and having to give up more than he wants to?

im a regular poster here, but i ve been to a few meetups now, and didnt feel that comfortable posting with with my usual name. i used the fatgit name once after a fight.
nighty, sounds like you and your ex are working hard towards a shared goal. yet he is still nasty to you... men!
i cant talk to him as he wont listen to what i say. my parents are coming, and he is more likely to listen to them. its just that i put them through all this six years ago, and dont want to do so again. but thank you for listening, and your support. i love mumsnet.

well thats how I see it fatgit - he sees it as me letting him down at every turn, lying, stabbing him in the back....sound familiar??

the victims club isnt out in force tonight, but judging by what others have let slip from time to time, this level of verbal abuse is not that unusual.
I do think its a sign that something is deeply wrong though.
I spent so long thinking I could fix it, but I couldnt in the end. I am ready to give away more than 50% of our assets if necessary, just to get free (he feels the same way I think!)
but thats just how I feel. Couldnt recommend it as good advice.

Let us know how you get on, please. and bon courage! try to detach yourself from the torrent of criticism, and make a reasoned judgement about how much truth there is in it.

Message withdrawn

somehow I picture other mumsnetters as all being terribly slim and sophisticated, that's why the nickname fatgit sounds so shocking!

Message withdrawn

Fatgit, I think that this relationship is well and truely over. Get out now before the fool gets you into such an emotional low you won't know how to get out of.

It's as simple as this, you are better off without him

thankyou so much for your support. feeling better today. went out last night with ds1 to friends house. left him in the lurch with the younger two. basically said that if you think i let you down, then thats what i will do. have had no converstations today, except exchanged dirty look.
i know i cant fix this. its impossible to change another persons opinions. most of the time i am strong, and can ignore it. but not when he is shouting it in my face.

what a mean man! (wanted to say more but dont want to get banned for using foul language!) I really hope that you are ok and that you dont believe all his rubbish. What a git. If you cannot leave now start thinking ahead a bit to get yourself in a position that you can leave. Perhaps go to the CAB for some financial advice

FG, can your parents help out? Could you stay with them?

thats the thing though, i think that i went through the major lowpoint six years ago, when my parents helped me out a lot. but since then i have proceeded to have another two kids. but also thing i am stronger now than before.
it also helps to know that i am not the only one in this boat. as nighty and rickman have said, i need to think things through. and oh , god, the kids are killing each other. back soon. thanks for your support nighty, rickman, norash, and mancmum and www

fg does he say these things to you in front of your children? Because it's worth remembering that the relationship they see played out in front of them in their home, is what they learn about how relationships work.

When he disrespects you in this manner, he's teaching your dd (if you have one) to accept disrespect from a future partner. He's teaching your ds (if you have one) to be a bully and a git. Do you (and he) want that for your children?

Have you suggested Relate? Do you think it would be any good for you, or have you got past the stage of trying to fix it?

It is discusting for a person who purports to love you treat you with such little respect.

Yes try relate, maybe if he calles you these things in front of another adult it will strike him how wrong it is, if it doesn't he's a fool.

disgusting, sorry!

yes, these things get said in front of the kids. and even if not in the same room, then doesnt matter as the volume is so loud, the neighbours could probly hear it.
ive suggested relate, he doesnt want to do it as he thinks the only problem is me. and it would be a waste of money. but i think i will suggest it again. anyhow, we are down on the waiting list. but im sure he will say he is to busy. says he is six months late with his tax returns coz he hasnt found time to do them. finds time to organise his nieces wedding though.
i agree that this is the wrong thing for the kids to think of as normal. maybe need to have a long chat with my parents.

fg, if relate saves a relationship then it's worth doing.

imo and ime, a man who sees the danger of losing his marriage will try anything to save it. If he's not prepared to try anything then he either doesn't believe the danger is real (and perhaps it's not, as perhaps you haven't got to the stage of wanting to leave yet) or he doesn't want to save it.

I have to agree with Caligula on last comment (and the kids picking it up one come to think of it). I think it could really tell if theres anything worth salvaging. It will be a scary step to take, but it sounds as though you really know you need to take it already.

Hi fatgit, he sounds like an arsehole and a bully!