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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My father keeps telling my DD1 (nearly 3years) that she is stupid!

21 replies

soknackered · 20/09/2009 22:28

Long story but I have only recently started speaking to him again after a long spell when he betrayed me and sided with my violent EXP. That is a whole other story but since my life has moved on and a few years later I have a new wonderful DP and a new DD2.

My DD1 is beautiful, clever and sensitive (i am biased of course). She is really bright and only needs telling once plus, she listens to EVERYTHING!!!

Anyway, twice now my useless father has called her stupid. Like a nickname. ie " come here stupid" " are you stupid or what?" etc etc.

I HATE it. He gets a kick out of belittling us (me and and my brother had awful childhood with it).

I want to protect her from all that. I already told him not to do it but he carries on!

What do i do next? I had huge reservations about restarting our relationship and now beginning to think i should of let sleeping dogs lie.

She has been through so much lately and I dont want her confidence chipped away!

OP posts:

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 20/09/2009 22:31

There is no excuse for telling a child they are stupid. Horrilbe thing to do.

What are the positives to being in touch with him again?

charcharcharlepew · 20/09/2009 22:33

Don't see him again. If he enjoys belittling people he's doing it maliciously (sp?). You've asked him to stop and he wouldn't so don't put up with it.

cheesesarnie · 20/09/2009 22:36

personally id tell him to rude word off!

ds1 is dyslexic and the number of people who think its ok to call him thick or stupid is shocking.its not ok.

lavenderkate · 20/09/2009 22:36

I agree with charchar,

Littlefish · 20/09/2009 22:37

Tell him that you don't like it, and that if he continues doing it, you will severely restrict your and dds contact with him/break off contact again.

BrokenFlipFlop · 20/09/2009 22:37

I would suggest that you either don't see him again or, if you wish to remain in contact then do so but leave your DD out of it.

Not only is he totally out of line but as you say, she's been through alot already and shouldn't have to listen to such rubbish from anyone let alone family.

colditz · 20/09/2009 22:38

Just say to him "Stop calling her stupid or you'll never see her again."

groundhogs · 20/09/2009 22:41

No, that's just not right...

Given the history, leave it totally alone. He won't be of any benefit to you or your DD.

stainesmassif · 20/09/2009 22:49

I agree with other posters - what benefit is there to you to being in touch with your father? it is so true that you can choose your friends, but not your family. however, you can choose who you and your family (dcs) spend time with.

NormaStanleyFletchachacha · 20/09/2009 23:28

Agree with others. Tell him stop or we won't be back. Which doesn't sound like a great loss if that is what he is like

mathanxiety · 21/09/2009 05:09

He is a twisted git. Agree there seems no benefit at all in contact with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2009 07:10

soknackered

He treated both your brother and you badly when growing up; he is not surprisingly treating your own child in such a manner. Were you hoping for different?. People as damaged as your Dad is do not change; infact he probably does not think he is doing anything wrong. He won't apologise either.

He may be family yes but this does not give such people carte blanche to treat other people like something they stepped in.

Original poster

soknackered · 21/09/2009 10:21

thanks for this!!! I had serious reservations about restarting relationships in the first place so made some ground rules at the outset (which after 9 weeks seem to have fallen by the wayside).

I have come so far in the last few years and felt so strong but already feel a little of it slipping away just by having him in my life.

I told him firmly (and his wife) last night that he is NOT to call her stupid. He just looked at me.

I know now that I have made a mistake! I felt that I had to try (he was telling people I was not allowing him to see his grand daughter).

I think i stupidly thought it would be different with them.

Right...... guess I am going to have a fight on my hands. Already in court process fighting violent ex. DD2 only 7 weeks so not feeling my strongest but I cant put it off.

I will wait til he rings me and tell him that I .......? what do i tell him????

OP posts:

harrisonnnn · 21/09/2009 10:26

sok there is no excuse for calling a child stupid. Tell your father on no uncertain terms that he needs to stop and never ever do it again.

Lemonylemon · 21/09/2009 10:33

"I know now that I have made a mistake! I felt that I had to try (he was telling people I was not allowing him to see his grand daughter)."

Well, you didn't make a mistake - you did what you thought was the right thing.

But now, when he tells everyone you won't allow him to see his grand daughter - you can tell them exactly why......

MaggieBeauLeo · 21/09/2009 10:37

That's horrible.

My dad is of that generation where they certainly didn't 'over praise' children, but if he said something like that to either of my children without thinking, and I hauled him up on it, he would instantly apologise and never do it again.

If he does it again, I'd think about reducing contact to such a minimal amount that he couldn't possibly have an effect on her self-esteem.

MaggieBeauLeo · 21/09/2009 10:39

ps, I left a violent abusive xp and my Dad was extremely supportive to me. I still found it hard. I don't know how you deal with your Dad's betrayal. He doesn't deserve you or a gorgeous little granddaughter.

cloudedyellow · 21/09/2009 10:41

No, you didn't 'stupidly' think it would be different. You had hopes that he would be so delighted to have contact with his grandaughters that he would behave well. Sometimes people are able to be better gps than they were parents.
You were being generous, but discovered he wasn't able to change.

stainesmassif · 21/09/2009 18:57

tell him what you feel - unfortunately he is probably not going to understand or appreciate what you tell him, but i would advise that you need to do this for you. don't worry about his feelings - do you honestly think he's ever worried about yours or your brother's? so just do whatever feels right to you - tell him, don't tell him, ignore his phone calls, write him a letter, whatever feels best, but just don't put up with his behaviour for one more minute, life's too short!

mumonthenet · 21/09/2009 21:41

write him a text or an email or a note. (i.e. put it in writing and keep a copy in case he says you won't let him see his grandaughter)

Say,

I have mentioned this before.

I permit no-one, NO-ONE, to call (child's name) "stupid", even in jest.

If you wish to continue to see her please remember this.

pollyperkins · 21/09/2009 21:54

I think you've made the right decision in not allowing him further access to your children or to you - he will continue to belittle and undermine you. This sort of corrosive, continual attack on self-esteem is cruel and is probably part of a need to be in control - certainly was when my father used to do that to me. I no longer have any contact with my father (as of this Christmas time) and I can honestly say it's been fantastic not to have to worry about the consequences of his maliciously snide and occasionally overtly offensive comments on me, my DD or my DH.

I would recommend taking control of the situation - rather than waiting for him to contact you. Write him a letter and explain as neutrally as possible why he will not be allowed further access to you, your DP or your children. Explain if he calls you will not answer and ask that he not contact you again (you could say unless you ask him to but I did that and it was a mistake). Your dad will probably still tell people that you're not allowing him access to his grandchildren but there's not a huge amount you can do about that. Anyone who knows you and him will at least have an inkling of the truth. If you do pick up the phone to him by mistake I'd just say - I've told you I will not speak to you and say I'm going to end the call now and then do it.

Once you've done the letter I'd put him out of your mind. He has to live with himself and that alone will be enough of a punishment.

Good luck with your upcoming court case and I hope you get time in between all this to just enjoy your DDs. They're lucky to have a mum who's strong enough to stand up for them.

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