Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

someone who has been a good friend for 11 years now trying to make trouble... some suggestions please?

26 replies

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 20:05

The thing is, I have known her as a good friend for many years, I got her a job in the place I work, taught her kids, all sorts of stuff - but now we have had to stop teaching her daughter because there have been complaints about the dd from other parents, and she's lost the plot and started to make up lies and evil comments about me to tell mutual friends... I had no idea she could be like this!

OP posts:

andnowwhat · 05/09/2009 20:08

Well phone and ask her why she is like this and threaten her with court action for libel if she persists.

Sorry bit l am having a bugger of a night

Original poster

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 20:11

Hmm.
so am i...
would it help to splurt out your stuff too ANW?

OP posts:

cocolepew · 05/09/2009 20:12

Do you think your mutual friends will believe her?

cherryblossoms · 05/09/2009 20:13

This sounds awful.

I think people do lose their sense of context when their dc are involved. For understandable reasons, I suppose.

I would advise confronting her. show her you're upset. Remind her that you are a real person, and her friend, and have not undertaken this lightly.

My guess is that she's operating with a slight alternate reality in her head in order to be mean about you. She has to, really, otherwise she'll have to take on board what is a major criticism of her daughter (and I guess, by implication, of her parenting. That's quite a big thing to accept.)

When she's confronted with the real gigglewitch, she'll be forced to reassess things. Whether she'll then be decent to you again ... .

Original poster

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 20:17

coco, I would hope not - and the ones who I have heard it from have shown me her messages because they are gobsmacked...

Cherry you really do talk sense, to the point that I wonder if you know the people who I'm talking about

OP posts:

CarGirl · 05/09/2009 20:19

could she be truly losing it?

cherryblossoms · 05/09/2009 20:21

I don't - you're safe.

Btw - you were one of the posters who gave me really good advice when I first posted (with a problem) on mn.

So you are responsible (sort of) for my present state of addiction!

Original poster

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 20:28

imho, I reckon she's heading for a breakdown. the dd is self-harming, eating disorder, attention seeking behaviours + +, accusing someone of rape when she doesn't appear to know what it means, and grabbing and pinching other girls in a sexual way, thus the complaints from parents who don't want their daughters subjected to this behaviour. Have only told friend this lot in a general way, because I honestly don't think any of them can handle it mentally.

OP posts:

Original poster

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 20:29

cherry - and thank you. you've given me a tear in my eye now

OP posts:

CarGirl · 05/09/2009 20:32

I wonder what is going on at home for the dd to behave in this way - something is clearly not right and how much easier it is to shoot the messenger that face the truth and deal.

Original poster

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 20:34

exactly... all sorts of things in my mind, so many things I don't want to be thinking but I've seen this sort of stuff before and has always pointed to one cause

OP posts:

CarGirl · 05/09/2009 20:35

cherryblossoms · 05/09/2009 20:43

gigglewitch - that is truly grim.

The one good thing - and I'm grasping at straws her - is that, by being so crazy about you to mutual friends - she is opening a circle of people who are involved. In however weird and messy a way.

That means that it involves more people than you.

I can see why you feel you can only tell one other person BUT it is an awful lot for just you two to share. It's a big responsibility, too.

Original poster

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 20:45

but the thing is, we have had 20 months of nightmare because of this girl and now insults from my 'friend', even though I'm in a place now where we can't take the behaviour any longer. Obv that makes me horrible and wicked for stopping her from doing an activity that she enjoys.

OP posts:

cherryblossoms · 05/09/2009 20:48

No. You've clearly done the right thing re. teaching.

Have to go, will think and be back.

Original poster

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 21:23

thanks all, if nothing else I feel less rubbish because there were good reasons for doing what we did, and the friend isn't being reasonable.

Thanks for letting me rant and offering some wise words x

OP posts:

cherryblossoms · 05/09/2009 22:28

gigglewitch - I'm guessing that is a polite way of saying you would rather not discuss this any more.

So good luck (and we'll be here if you change your mind!).

Heated · 05/09/2009 22:38

Given you're probably limited professionally by what you can say, maybe just a sigh and a regretful, "It's all very sad" which indicates that the mother's alternate reality/lies and the girl's problems are all part-and-parcel of the same thing...which they probably are.

People aren't daft. They know what this behaviour unfortunately suggests.

franklymydear · 05/09/2009 22:47

has this child been referred?

those are classic abuse signs (although they can be put on too which is unfortunate but true)

Original poster

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 23:16

As I know very well, frank [love the name btw] as I've unfortunately met 5 others with the same... and a mutual friend (well two actually) believe the same. Trouble is, no evidence. Manipulation and denial all round. ~Cue more classic signs....
Sigh is indeed my response. so very sad. And frustrating.

OP posts:

Original poster

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 23:21

and thanks, heated spot-on, as always.

OP posts:

cherryblossoms · 05/09/2009 23:24

gigglewitch - I may be way behind here, but could you have a confidential word with someone at the girl's school?

I've been here with a primary age (not secondary - I don't know what secondaries are like about this sort of thing,) child and they were v. good.

I'm guessing, however, from your post, that you are well ahead of me on this.

Original poster

gigglewitch · 05/09/2009 23:27

I have, and they were hopeless. I am also a primary / sen teacher; the girl has just done her GCSE's but was 14yo when all this started, and 15 when I contacted the school because of suicide threats which had upset other pupils, the place I teach her is an extra-curricular thing, not related to school in any way. It just "happens" that I am a teacher elsewhere, iyswim...

OP posts:

cherryblossoms · 05/09/2009 23:31

That's not good. Actually, that's so bad, I'm shocked. I thought they had some sort of legal duty to refer concerns of that type onwards? (thus keeping you out of it, and able to remain a friend should a situation arise where your friendship is needed).

Original poster

gigglewitch · 06/09/2009 00:09

well, that's pretty much what I expected, but no - they rang her mother instead, sparking another crying fit whilst at work and told her she had to come in to school. And told her that I had done it. which - given that I'm not into misleading anyone - I had already managed to tell friend that I had done asap when I got the hunch that the school weren't actually going to do anything except ring her mother. FFS. Sorry.
It's just that after all this, the mother/my friend is always just blaming her current behaviour on the last saga or catastrophe in her dd's life, whilst forgetting the 18 months or so which have gone before.
I have had a number of messages between me and another very good friend - also a work colleague, who says that the friend is talking bollocks, ignore the lies and nobody will believe. But I can't believe how it is all making me, partly because I wanted to try to keep supporting my friend regardless of what her dd has done, because I truly think she will need it. Now I don't think I can. Partly because she's obviously very hostile, and partly because I can't ever trust someone who lies. If I'd actually said any of the things that she's claiming, it would be easier, because I am quite willing to face up to anything I've said out of turn and hold my hands up for getting it wrong. But this is pure malice.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2