Are you the masculine or the feminine one in your relationship?

[MrsMerryHenry]

I have developed a cod psychological theory about couples...

Having observed lots of my friends and family members I reckon that if you were to measure masculinity and femininity on a scale of 1-10 (where masculinity gets a 1) most couples balance each other out (so that they score somewhere near 10).

For example:

Butch man (1) + effeminate woman (10) = 11

Masculine woman (but not butch, so 3) + 'gentle' man (7) = 10

Evenly balanced couple (5 each) = 10

This brilliant theory works for all couples, gay or straight. Bigamous - hmm...

Is this utter bollocks?

How would you rate yourself and your friends' relationships?

Have I already killed this thread before it's started?

I like it

We are me (6 - bossy and loud) DH (4 - confident and masculine but not so loud with it)

Erm, I think there is a balance but I'm not sure if it is masculine/feminine. Sometimes I'm overly soft and emotional and other times my DH has much more empathy than me. Just depends on the situation. I am much thicker skinned than him but I am also much more sensitive in other ways. He is better at being diplomatic and at thinking from outwith the emotions of any situation. I guess I am a tiny bit tomboyish but defo not masculine and DH is defo not feminine.....

When I think of one of my friends and her relationship. Her partner is absolutely the alpha male, carrying the heavy stuff, doing jobs round the house, all the manly things whereas she is extremely feminine, all floaty and girly.

I guess sometimes I think it is a bit pathetic (in a nice way, no offense to my pal, we are all different) but I don't really like being treated like I can't carry a bag of shopping and I like having a bash at diy etc.

Phew! Glad to see I'm not talking absolute crap!

I think my DH and I are fairly evenly balanced, perhaps he's a 6 and I'm a 4. Actually, no - I think we're 5 each. Interestingly he was brought up with all sisters, and I have only brothers, which made me a bit more boyish as a child. Took me a looong time to learn to enjoy being a lady!

MMH I love men who were brought up with a bunch of sisters.... they're the best!

I have one son and two daughters and my ex didn't have a lot of input really into their 'development' IYKWIM.

I have found that men who grow with a strong female influence (good one) are more mallable and far more intune with their bodies and emotions. Less stifled and encouraging. Able to express themselves and less shocked and confused.

Men who grow with a bunch of brothers etc are a really difficult task. You get attracted to their manliness but it's bloody hard work with them in the long run. They are less able to express themslves emotionally and freak out and get confused if we overdo the emotional stuff.

I think it's important to see the family structure of any man, how he got on with his sisters etc and of his exposure to female'ness.

I don't know what that has got to do with this thread but it has always interested me because it contributes greatly to relationships... am I rambling here??

Very interesting, Kally - I haven't thought about it that way. You've given me something to ponder.

Hmm...

Debends on the situation. I think both men and women are capable of being the "warriors" but also the feminine caring types. It just debends which quality is needed most. Being Scandinavian though I think I probably "run the show" and I'm fairly tough.

DH and I have this theory - but in a different format. We think there are a selection of basic characteristics that every relationship needs via at least one partner. Some of those characteristics are traditionally male or traditionally female but it doesn't matter which partner has them.

So, for example, in our case, I am much tougher, likely to complain etc and will fight for us as a family etc (male?). While DH is much more about nurturing outside relationships and will attempt to get external people on side (female?). But it works because we're not both screeching around yelling at people!

IYSWIM.

Sorry - to complete that thought. But there are other things that go the "traditional" male/female route - eg I take care of us physically by thinking about what food we'll eat, are we drinking enough etc (female) while DH will take care of us physically by checking doors are locked, all heavy lifting etc. (male)

You need a questionaire!

Do you think mn women are generally slightly more masculine than the average? Maybe it goes with lightly geeky internet-addicted types?

I am the louder, bossy one and dh is the softy (unless he's driving).

Dunno.

I am a laydeee but I do DIY with drills and stuff.

DH is a not massively butch chap but not what I would call feminine either.

Feminine.

Agree with Acinonyx, mn is not a good sample to test the theory on

I would say that (apart from the fact that I stay home with the toddler):

In the things we do, my DW and I fall into fairly stereotypical masculine/feminine roles. Football, cooking, laundry, car etc etc.

But in the way we think/analyse/communicate, we're very non-stereotypical. The roles are reversed.

i cry alot and am the emotional one but i also do all diy, gardening, manual labour type jobs, am strict with the kids and am quite assertive with my family

dp is emotionally crippled for the most part but a total gushing softie with the kids and is about 1000000 times more likely to panic about their safety or tell me off for letting them do something he considers dangerous (this includes learning to sit as babies and learning to climb the stair when they're 2ish )

so i think we possibly average about a 5 each tbh so yep... 10 in total

i am so The Daddy, even if he does put up shelves...

I agree with BlingDreaming and PadDad.
I think that in different parts of the relationship people can take on 'male' and 'female' roles regardless of their actual physical sex.

Certainly the case with me and DW.

Can you define masculine and feminine and give a clue how to score yourself?

mas·cu·line (msky-ln)
adj.

1. Of or relating to men or boys; male.
2. Suggestive or characteristic of a man; mannish. See Synonyms at male.
3. Grammar Relating or belonging to the gender of words or forms that refer chiefly to males or to things grammatically classified as male.
4. Music Ending on an accented beat: a masculine cadence.

n.

1. Grammar

a. The masculine gender. b. A word or word form of the masculine gender.

1. A male person.

fem·i·nine (fm-nn)
adj.

1. Of or relating to women or girls. See Synonyms at female.
2. Characterized by or possessing qualities generally attributed to a woman.
3. Effeminate; womanish.
4. Grammar Designating or belonging to the gender of words or grammatical forms that refer chiefly to females or to things classified as female.

n. Grammar

1. The feminine gender.
2. A word or form belonging to the feminine gender.

shelving skills, assertiveness, loudness, heavy lifting, less emotional, etc give you minus points

soppiness, daintiness, neurosis about kids, empathic and sympathetic skills, etc give you plus points

imo anyway

So being feminine means being unable to do anything diyish, or fix the car, or understand sport, and being masculine means not being able to spot when people are upset, or know which shoes go with which trousers ?

Gawd, it's a load of cobblers, innit

Interesting, Hecates. Because if I'm honest, when I think 'feminine' I do think of 'softer' personality characteristics, which is why I don't think of myself as particularly feminine - I think I'm a happy balance of the two.

I can't bear wafty, helpless women who need a man (or, frankly, anyone) to do everything for them. It makes me want to start slapping sense and independence into them! When I think of what makes a woman a 'proper' woman, she's got to be independent, assertive and determined. I guess these characteristics are ideal in both men and women, which is why I'd put them at a '5' on my fabulous theorem instead of a 1 or a 10.