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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

After the screaming and shouting of an affair....

7 replies

chilledmummy · 28/01/2009 07:28

Not looking for advice but just wondered those of you who got back with your DH did it work out or was it just putting a split on hold? Did you go to relate or just work hard the two of you?

Or if you didnt get back together was it the best thing you ever done?

Seems to be lots of threads on this at the moment and the stock advice seems to be to get rid of the lying cheating scumbag and wondered what had happened to the MNs out there who had given their partners a 2nd chance.

OP posts:

OhFeck · 28/01/2009 08:07

I am giving my DH another chance. We are 3 weeks in and it's going ok but I am not sleeping and wishing for an 'off' button in my head a lot of the time although I am hoping that will improve. He is working really hard to make things better and I really think we will get through it and make our marriage better in the long run. I have a couple of books which we are both reading and have found very useful especially this, which despite the odd title is really good.

I hope things work out for you if that is what you want.

StirlingTheStrong · 28/01/2009 08:46

I am 14 months down the line and I have been trying and he has been here but, his heart hasn't been in it so it wont work!

Ultimately, if you both really want it to work, there is a very good chance that it will, and be even better then before if you can learn to talk problems through.

If he is sorry about what he did and there is no contact with the ow, that helps!!

Hope it works out.

HappyWoman · 28/01/2009 09:06

I think it can work but it really is hard work on both sides.

I think the hardest thing is to remember that you will both take different amounts of time to heal, and sometimes it feels as if you are not a partnership.

For me the best thing to come of his affair is that i feel so much better about myself - i know it was not my fault at all and that if i had to i would go it alone, i feel confident that i will not put up with another mistake!
I feel so much more empowered.

Also you have to see it as that - a huge mistake - doesnt matter why really just that you can see it as one thing that you can learn to make sure it does not happen again.

macdoodle · 28/01/2009 09:26

Ah well it can work but I think it takes a lot of effort - I am 3 years down the line and finally getting divorced and moving on - but then my STBXH is an abusive aggresive plank and never really tried that hard !!

HappyWoman · 28/01/2009 11:21

McD - your h was a fool - he can only now see what he is truely giving up.

For it to work - they must see that much earlier on but unfortunately so many just cant or wont see it.

McD please dont blame yourself for his failings, i know you are bitter at the moment but i know that is not you take care.

Original poster

chilledmummy · 29/01/2009 10:31

Thanks for the advice! Good to see that some out there can work through things.

OP posts:

ladylush · 29/01/2009 18:32

It can work chilledmummy. A year ago I never thought a day would go past where I wouldn't be tortured by images of my h and the ow. He put in a lot of work. That's essential if it is to work. It took about 6 months before I really felt that I might be able to move forward. Good luck Btw, we had couple counselling and he went to a few sessions on his own. It was hugely helpful.

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