My friend changed now I don't want to see her

[N8sofie]

What should I say to an ex-friend if she turns up at my front door this week (half-term, DCs etc) unexpectedly? I do not want to see her, haven't answered her last text.

I am/was annoyed as I realised she had been talking about me to mutual friends in a patronising way/painting an untrue picture of me. I know it sounds silly. We were very close over the past three years but more recently, say 4 months ago I started to notice in our conversations some snidey comments directed towards me, very subtle but clever put-downs. We have supported each other over relationship break-ups and getting back on track in our lives which has been really helpful for me. I have moved on alot after my break-up, what I mean is that I regained self-esteem (that was all I wanted for now). I don't have another DP, and I think this bothers her, she has either had someone in her sights or been on and off with her husband over the past three years, that is totally up to her and we talked all the time about relationships etc. But I was well and a few months ago when she began dropping these put-downs into our chats. She knows what she was doing, (we have talked so much about abuse) I don't think I need to explain to her? What would you say to her if she called on you unexpectedly?

byeeeee

she doesn't sound nice at all.

'I'm sorry we are busy' and close the door.

I have been through this with friends and the constant put downs etc are great for destroying your self esteem. It is bullying and you don't have to put up with it.

don't get drawn into a conversation or an explanation or anything. Just say you are busy.

Let the ansafone take all calls, and hide behind the sofa if the doorbell goes!

Tricky situation.

I presume she doesn't know she's your EX friend - could you send her a text?

(waits for someone to suggest what to put in it!)

Could you be brave and talk to her about it? there could be more to it, or she may be aware of it and very sorry. It sounds like you've been very close and wouldn't it be a shame to give up on a great friendship without trying to resolve the problem first?

its probably best to just put her off, 'we are not well, busy etc'

otherwise she will just put it on to you saying 'why have you fallen out with me' or 'have i upset you'

Potty, that made me laugh!, I am still amazed by the way people are so definite in their response, I still have a bit of trouble there when it comes to my own. Capn, of course you are right, I would say the same to someone else! I have been imagining me and kids hiding behind the sofa actually - she is the type who would look thru your front room window if you didn't answer the door...

Of course she has her good/lovely points or I wouldn't have been friends with her and I miss all of that, but I tried everything with Ex-Dh explaining/resolving, nothing worked and I can see similarities in her now . Thank you everyone, I will go for the 'we are busy' line I think... But first of all I'm going into the fornt room to shut the curtains

Yes you're right Kalo, she will ask/say that anyway on the doorstep! Shall I just say, 'no i haven't fallen out with you, we are just busy today'. Mind you, that will only last so long and she'll be back... Maybe I do need to be more direct?

could you write to her?

honestfriend,thank you, I could write to her, or text her as bigtillymint suggested, but what do you put in the letter/text? Do I tell her honestly what I think has happened or keep it brief. I don't want to leave myself vulnerable where she might delibrately (sp?) take out of context anything i put in the letter... of course i have no control over that anyway, letter or no letter. I suppose I am trying to avoid any embarrasment at the front door. I do not want her in my house again, I don't trust her.

You could say:

Dear x,

lately it has come to my attention that you have been making comments about me to mutual friends. I am very disappointed to hear about this, especially given that we supported each other over the last 3 years and I was under the impression that we have grown quite close and that you were my friend.

Now I can see that this isn't so and I would like to let you know that I think it's best if you stop dropping by or making contact with me or the dc. I'm sure you've had your reasons for behaving the way you did, but I don't need someone around me who puts me down and behaves in such a backstabbing way.

I'm wishing you well.

Take care,
N8sofie

Sorry to hear it's come to this. I think a short, honest letter is the way forward my dear. Just keep it short and don't go on about how she's hurt you etc. She needs a clipped response and nothing more. You don't owe her anything. Just behave with dignity if you get a nasty reply back or if she starts talking badly about you. Don't get into a slinging match. Your friends know who you are and she'll make a fool of herself talking you 'down'. Keep your head high & ignore her.

First of all stop fretting that she may turn up - she already has a hold on you if you are worrying about it.

She souunds like an ex friend of mine - the you dont trust her is a huge flag imo.

I too was worried about upsetting her but once i had the courage to say what i felt (and she took it very badly - and started telling others too) - many of the other friends seemed to fall out with her too.

I for the first time ever deleted her number and so have no way of contacting her again.

Dont worry that she is telling others if they are real friends they will see through it to.

If i were you i would not write to her i would just ignore her until she gets the message - but i do know how hard it is if you are not normally like this.

yes just tell her you're busy. Its a bloody cheek if she says anything like' have i pissed you off, I feel like I have' If she thinks she has, she should moderate her behaviour accordingly.