O Wise Women of Mumsnet - Is this guy into me?

[TeaRose]

We're talking about a lovely guy at work called Tim, who has unquestionably been my best mate through some tough times - workplace bullying - and some fun times - beers in the pub afterwards. Recently (we've known each other 3 years) we've been spending more time together and having nights out with and without other colleagues. He confides in me like no one else, hugs and kisses me on the cheek and walks me home. Last night he came back to the flat (to rub my back, trapped nerve) but, even in my nightie and not much else except gentle encouragement, he didn't make a move and left after a quick back rub. He seemed uneasy about getting close to me physically.

He's v experienced - over 40 lovers - but they're only one-night stands. I really like him - but should I give up hope?

We-ll he sounds rather gentlemanly.

I would be concerned about getting jiggy with a colleague IYSWIM.

If you are comfortable with that then why not lunge at him try kissing him properly if an opportunity presents itself.

Jump him and see!

Over 40 one night stands?! So he's never had a relationship?

How old is he?

I'd be concerned about the fact he's had over 40 one night stands to be honest. No proper relationships? Or maybe I'm just being mrs judgey-pants.

oooh I missed the 40 one nighters !!

Run for the hills !!

Tim is 32 - i am howlingly ashamed of being just 40 (and wondering if he wont make a move because he wants a teenager). i think he's had 2 relationships. Thanks - advice is balm to the soul.

Ooh the warning bells are ringing on this one.

tbh, he had an ideal opportunity to take things further the other night and he didn't. Plus the fact that you work together means that if you try and instigate something and it goes pear-shaped, working with him will be cringmaking.

Maybe he is worried about losing your friendship if he makes a move and you werent up for it. My dp and I were good friends for years before we got together. We even lived together for a year as flatmates. He has since admitted he fancied me from the day we met but wouldnt ever have instigated anything for that very reason (I made the first move - cant remember details as was quite drunk and its now very long ago)

If he's had 40 one night stands he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who'd be so shy he wouldn't be able to make a move, particularly in the situation you were in the other night. So I'd take that as a sign he doesn't want to make a move tbh, probably because you're such good friends.

He's told you about all his one-nighters?

I guess he likes his uncommittedness - hence the one-nighters and so especially hence telling you about them. He's giving you a message about being footloose, and wanting to be footloose.

Is he mucking about with your feelings, though? Are you feeling that a bait is laid & then twitched away? If so - he probably is enjoying the frisson (was he in deshabille as well, or was it just you in your nightie & him still with his tie on?) -I think he's being a bit of a have a cake and eat it (otherwise known as prick-tease). Is that fair on you?

Confide in a RL friend
...arrange to go out in a group
ask your friend to watch him to see how he looks at you etc...

A friend ("A") of mine was in a group of friends for YEARS.... another friend ("B") went along when they all went out, and noticed that a male friend was SERIOUSLY into friend "A"

They are now happily married..friend "A" completely missed it, but once it was pointed out, she was like..."hmmmmm!

He might have been being careful in case you didn't want it and he didn't want you to feel that he was pressuring you and then get accused of something. Do you think he knows that you want him?

This happened to me at work (years ago). Had a friend, very similar to yours - lots of nights out, confiding in each other etc etc. It turned out he was not even remotely interested in me romantically and I ended up making a complete fool of myself. Result was end of friendship and excruciating humiliation for me/discomfort for him while everyone else snorted into their coffees about it, while we worked at desks about five feet from each other.
Please. Don't go there.

Oh, and just to make sure I had got the message loud and clear - his immediate response once I made my feelings known was to shag one of my other close friends at work. Horrible situation for us all. I still can't bring myself to speak of this episode out loud

the fact you're even having to post about this prob indicates deep down you know he isn't in to you- agree with dollius..these things can turn out v.badly

Oh Dollius...maybe we need a thread for these sort of things....they happen to everyone. I would tell you mine to make you feel better, but I still can't say it out loud...

Hard to tell really. I think I wouldn't care too much about the one night stands, so what, I wouldn't let that bother me, and I wonder if he's not making a move because if he does with you, it would be serious.

Sometimes these things take a while to come to fruition. Do you really like him? He probably doesn't know it and thinks you're just friends.

Yep purpleduck agree a thread would be therapeutic/amusing..would prob namechange for mine too

Tearose I would say he thinks of you as a very good friend, my guy friends I hug and kiss on the cheek, there aren't many single guys out there who would massage a woman wearie a nightie and not make a move unless they think of them as a friend only or they are gay, could be an undelying reason for him having nothing but one night stands, he could be confused.

Purpleduck

I think he likes the fact that:

• I?m senior to him and have done his career a lot of favours
• I?m endlessly supportive and confiding
• He really likes female company

I am really, really into him, slightly to my surprise. But the girls he scores are ?real slags, whereas you are ?classy?, TeaRose.? Do you think I can ever get him to make the leap? Or is he just comfortable getting teenage shags while a real woman he doesn?t have to engage with loves him and looks after him?

He has ishoos with women for sure (madonna/whore complex anyone?)

Avoid. Like the plague. imvvvho.

Bit of a cliche but in the hilarious (and annoyingly spot-on) book 'he's just not that into you', this situation is a classic 'not into you' one, and the 'ruining a friendship' is one of the worst misjudgements women make.

I'm really sorry to be harsh (and of course, I may be totally wrong) but if he came to your house and rubbed your back late at night after alcohol and nowt happened then it sounds as if hjntiy. I'm really sorry!

Men don't give a fack about friendships if they want a shag. Even if they do give a fack they want the shag more. They're just like that.

I honestly recommend that book - I was howling with laughter at it, and the self recognition was absolutely agonising. We've all been there.

To answer the OP's question...no, sorry love.

if you were wearing nowt but your nightie, he was giving you a backrub, you were making appropriately girly noises at the right places, and he didn't take the opportunity to play hide the salami; he's either a true friend who will always be just a friend, or completely and irretrievably gay, I'm afraid.