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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so sorry for the woman next door :( (D. Violence)

30 replies

MrsSnape · 07/08/2008 08:44

For the past few weeks we've been hearing banging, shouting and screaming from next door. Its the woman screaming, the man shouting.

Anyway the past week or so its been really bad and having listened to it I could make out that he was chasing her around the house, she was screaming at him to leave her alone, the toddler was screaming....

Then I was thankfull to see her parents arrive...but shocked to hear then back up the bloke and have a go at the woman as well!

From what I can make out the woman is suffering from an eating disorder and refusing to eat anything. The man then goes mental and starts trying to force feed her, the parents come in shouting that she's doing it for attention and there's always some drama going on with her, the 3 of them then start threatning to take the baby away from her unless she "packs it in"...all the while this poor woman is obviously suffering.

Yesterday there was so much shouting going on, crying and screaming....I heard her shout "you used to beat me up all the time so you can't make me do anything now, I'm too used to it, it doesn't bother me anymore" and that caused him to really lose his rag and he threw her out into the garden (the toddler was watching all this), afterwards he chased her upstairs, she was screaming and then it sounded like she was choking on something (either he had shoved food down her throat or he was choking her himself). She had a black eye the other day. Thankfully the neighbour at the other side to them banged on the door to see if she was ok and I heard bloke threaten her and tell her "look what you've done now" and she said "just tell them to go away, I'll do it, I'll tell them I'm ok". The neighbour was invited in, she denied anything was wrong, said the screaming was not coming from their house etc....and then believe it or not her parents turned up again and continued the abuse asking her if she wanted to be burried or cremated when she dies throught not eating....saying they're not bothered about her because they know its all for attention, all the time the little toddler is listening to it all

OP posts:
littleducks · 07/08/2008 08:48

do you have a nice hv? could you contact someone like that, explain what you have heard.......i probably wouldnt go to ss as it could make the situation worse if they go knocking, unless you know his working hours

poor baby

sparklesandnowinefor12weeks · 07/08/2008 08:50

thats awful

I don't know what to suggest, other than calling a local support line for advice

or if the DP ever goes out and leaves her on her own maybe you could go round and make sure she is ok

Goober · 07/08/2008 08:54

Disagree with littleducks, sorry.

Social Services need to save this child. TODAY.

How can you just sit there and listen to this torture?

Do something.

NOW.

mrsshapelybottom · 07/08/2008 08:54

God this is an awful situation to be witness to - it must be very upsetting for you - no excuse for the violence but it sounds as though the family are very worried about her but they obviously all need help & support, especially the woman. Could you maybe ring Women's Aid for some advice on someone you could contact in order to alert them to the situation?

ChopsTheDuck · 07/08/2008 09:00

how sad. I agree though, ss needs to intervene for the sake of the child.
If it is about dv, then no doubt conditions would be put in place to make the man leave. If she has problems which are affecting her ability to parent they will be able to get some sort of help.

TheProvincialLady · 07/08/2008 09:04

Yes you do need to contact an agency for the child's sake - maybe start with NSPCC for advice? And if it was me I would call the police when the screaming violence starts.

SparklyGothKat · 07/08/2008 09:04

I used to live next door to a young mum whose BF beat her up every friday night when they went out drinking (in fact there was two woman in that house who were beaten by their partners, one moved out and one moved in) I used to go and check on the first woman as I was very worried about her, I was very scared of the 2nd womans partner, but called the police more than once (she left him soon after we moved)
The first woman is still with him and has had 2 more children with him. He would chase her around the house, give her black eyes, throw furniture at her (threw a coffee table once and it hit the gas fire, which then fell off the wall)
The women always blamed themselves, they couldn't see that it wasn't their fault, but their partners. But I was/am scared that I will see her picture in the local paper saying her partner has killed her. I don't know if he still beats her, but a lepord (sp?) doesn't change his spots as far as I am concerned.

You need to contact the police when this is happening especially when a child is involved. please do it

noonki · 07/08/2008 09:06

Called social services and make sure you go into detail about all that you have seen and heard

you can be anonymous

also if you hear them fighting again call the police, they are getting better at dealing with these situations

if you want to find out some information you could look at the woman's aid website, which goes through all of the options open to her, just in case the situation arises where she is asking for advice (if she is going to leave him remind her to take ID/child benefit/birth certificates - otherwise can cause lots of problems.

poor child and woman, and poor you

her parents sound horrendous too

wannaBe · 07/08/2008 09:11

you need to ring social services.

If this woman does have an eating disorder then she does have a lot of issues that need to be dealt with.

And if the husband is trying to force feed her it might be out of frustration, but his methods, and those of her parents, are not doing her any favours.

If she has had these issues all her life then her parents may have had years of it and they may be resorting to what they perceive to be tough love, ie threatening to take the baby/telling her she's going to die to try and snap her out of it.

We none of us really know what goes on in other people's lives, other than the snapshots we are sometimes privy to, so while on the surface it may seem as if this woman is being abused (and I admit that it does sound horrible) we don't know what's gone on before to cause all this frustration and anger from her partner and her parents. But given the parents are involved, it doesn't sound like a straightforward domestic violence situation. After all generally when dv is involved the victim is isolated from friends and family, they're not called in to participate.

Whatever the situation though, there is a child in the middle of all this who could be at risk. The mother might need serious psychiatric help, and the father isn't currently helping, and the tention in the house must be unbearable.

I would ring social services today. And if you're really afraid for her/her child's safety, I would ring the police next time something like this happens.

lulalullabye · 07/08/2008 09:16

Just a point to note, the police now do not need the womans consent to arrest and charge somebody for domestice violence.

Next time you hear anything just call the police and they will decide what to do. If this happens in front of the children then social services will automatically be called !

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/08/2008 09:17

I understand you feel awful for the woman but at the end of the day there is a child being brought up in a dysfunctional and abusive household. Every day that goes by is making it worse. Call social services - talk it through. They won't (shouldn't) go in like a bull in a china shop, they know about DV and about what makes it worse.

Goober · 07/08/2008 12:39

I've been out this morning and just got back.

What has been done?

I know I sounded harsh before and I'm sorry if I made you feel crap, but try to imagine how you'd feel if he killed her.
You have the power to change their futures.
Don't have regrets, they would eat you up. Be strong and make the call.

nervousal · 07/08/2008 12:47

Phone the police - yes for the sake of the child - but also for the sake of that poor woman

littleducks · 07/08/2008 18:32

while it is a nice sentiment ime nobody will be sweeping in to 'save' either this woman or a child, until she decides that is not acceptable very little can be done

i would agree womans aid would be the right idea, whereas a police or sw will reveal to the dh who they are a refuge worker who made contact would pretend to be an avon lady for example which can make it easier for the woman to get advice

piratecat · 07/08/2008 18:40

i used to hear similar, yrs back form next doors.

No kid involved tho.

After about 4 times, i police.

they came, got him away from here.

two months later she thanked me for saving her. She moved home, got a new life.

thank god.

i was terrified when i phoned up, and said please do not say it's me. On the night that is.

I don't know how she found out it was me, as there were 3-4 other direct neighbours.
Anyhow, she was ok.

ImnotOK · 07/08/2008 18:42

I used to work for surestart and I would not contact ss after seeing at least three women been penalised by ss for having a violent partner.
The worst case was a woman who left her partner but ss continually threatened and basically abused their positions to continue bullying this woman IMO she went from one bully to another. It only stopped when her GP and HV made a complaint.

This woman needs help however and her child you need to contact your HV and maybe an understanding GP ,everytime you hear the dv call the police they are getting better .
Also may be worth ringing your local police station and asking to speak to theior domestic violence coordinator /outreach worker and explaining the situation .

Yes after you have contacted these ss will be informed and involved but they are less likely to go in all guns blazing if she has a good support network ,iyswim.

dittany · 07/08/2008 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2cats2many · 07/08/2008 18:48

Phone the police now.

Goober · 07/08/2008 18:51

It is ok to take the softly-softly approach if you can live with yourself when he has killed her!

edam · 07/08/2008 18:54

agree, call the police. Even if her family are frustrated by the eating disorder, that is NO excuse for violence.

edam · 07/08/2008 18:55

(and who knows, maybe she has an eating disorder because of her lousy husband and family - unhappy women tend to turn in on themselves while men tend to lash out...)

Goober · 07/08/2008 18:58

I completely agree with edam that she has probably got these problems due to being so unhappy. Which is just one more reason to help her and her child.

wannaBe · 07/08/2008 21:26

but this isn't straightforward domestic violence is it? The woman's own family are involved.

I agree absolutely that this woman needs to get away from her partner, and from her family. But if she does have an eating disorder then she may need psychiatric help. And what is going to happen to that child then?

If you help this woman get away, where is she going to go? She doesn't have the support of her family, and is she going to get the help she needs in a refuge? esp if she has psychological problems?

An eating disorder may be the result of dv, but it may not. And if she gets away from her partner, she may go to strangers who will have no awareness of her problems, or worse still she may end up on her own with her child, and is growing up with a mother with a potential eating disorder and associated issues any healthier for a child than growing up in an abusive home?

IMO the priority needs to be the child, first and foremost. I would ring social services. If this woman has had problems in the past (as seems to have been indicated by the parents) then she may already be known to them, and they may be able to get her the help she needs.

I'm not saying that this woman should stay in this relationship, far from it. But it sounds as this goes far deeper than just saying to her "get away and all will be ok".

dittany · 09/08/2008 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jojo76 · 09/08/2008 17:02

Yes, I agree, phone either social services or the police, phone someone. Do it anonymously. The child has no one to stand up for him and really it's everyone's responsibility to safeguard children. I think you have a duty to report this to someone, very scarey but i think you should. Good luck xx

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