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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH said I was nasty to the DC - I am so wound up

30 replies

PCNASWM · 03/08/2008 20:53

He is taking DC away next weekend. They were winding me up at bath time and I said something like I was glad they were going away because I had had enough. DH said 'oh what a cruel and nasty thing to say'.

I am so wound up.

He has just gone out and I dont know how to deal with my ffrustation

OP posts:

beanieb · 03/08/2008 20:59

Do you spend a lot more time with the children than him? Perhaps by taking them away he will appreciate that it can be hard?

beanieb · 03/08/2008 20:59

...and perhaps he is trying to give you a break ?

Original poster

PCNASWM · 03/08/2008 21:02

I dont care about their holiday - but his comments have really got to me

OP posts:

lazaroulovesleggings · 03/08/2008 21:03

He didn't really need to pick you up on that remark.

Bury your head in a pillow and SCREAM!

NotQuiteCockney · 03/08/2008 21:05

How old are your DCs? Your comment was the sort of thing that could (imo) stick in a kid's head and do some harm.

That being said, your DH's way of calling you on it doesn't sound too useful.

Rhubarb · 03/08/2008 21:05

tbh, you said that your dh is taking your dc's on holiday without you - why is that? And why would you say you were glad they were going? Ok, I've said things like this in the past and would have agreed with dh if he had said that it was a cruel and nasty thing to say. You also say you don't care about their holiday.

You aren't coming across very well here.

Earlybird · 03/08/2008 21:10

Think it's perfectly fine to say you've had enough (and perfectly understandable as we've all been there). The part that should have (ideally) been left out is saying you were glad they were going away.

I sometimes struggle with not lashing out too, when I am fed up. It can be tricky to find the line between being human/venting frustration without veering into 'mean' territory.

southeastastra · 03/08/2008 21:10

i don't think it would stick in a child's head.

Original poster

PCNASWM · 03/08/2008 21:11

okay so maybe I have done some harm to my dc and maybe I am not coming across very well, so I maybe I should walk away from this thread. But I only came to vent because I am upset and didnt know where else to turn

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 03/08/2008 21:12

Poster overreacts to reasonable comments - suspicious anyone?

Most of the posts here have been supportive, only I questioned you.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/08/2008 21:13

Venting is fine - talk about what you need to vent about, why you are so fed up.

I don't think a remark like yours is the end of the world.

BigBadMousey · 03/08/2008 21:15

Oh don't worry about it - apparently some mothers are superhuman in their tolerance and could never say such things. The rest of us mere mortals make mistakes from time to time (and there are a fair few of us who only have MN to turn to )

How old are your DCs?

TracksuitLover · 03/08/2008 21:15

I've said things like this before, kids drive you nuts sometimes, we aren't saints! Let him spend more time looking after them and see how mad they make him!

If you are saying things like this all the time then you should worry about it but if it is only very occasionally when they are driving you to the brink then I think you should forgive yourself.

lazaroulovesleggings · 03/08/2008 21:17

PC, I think I read a thread of yours a few nights ago. Think it was yours.
It's clear you're a bit fragile at the moment. Keep talking though, people are just trying to understand.

SlothyMcFrothy · 03/08/2008 21:18

NASWM-I have said worse to dc in the past- "Cant wait to go to work just to get away from you all"
and so on etc.I think i relate to how you are feeling ,i do believe that the depressive side of a person can take over sometimes and the 'usual us' cannot control it.Tell me if i am on the wrong track.Dont be too hard on yourself NASWM.
xxxx

Rhubarb · 03/08/2008 21:21

We DO say things like this, I do, I've said things I really really regret. But what you said afterwards, about not caring about their holiday, made me think that perhaps you are taking your rage out on them a bit?

I could be wrong. I know a fair bit about depression. I'll be brutally honest and say that I've taken my depression out on the kids and yeah, they probably do remember some of that shit, dd more than ds because I was pregnant with ds when she was around and she witnessed some not very nice things.

But you've got to pull yourself together at some point. Your dh is right, it was a cruel thing to say. Accept that. But don't beat yourself up about it. The way to beat depression is to accept it, then change it. But denial gets you nowhere.

DumbledoresGirl · 03/08/2008 21:34

As someone who actually knows the OP, I know that her dh has lost his rag with the children before too.

FGS we all do it. I have told my children more than once that I can't wait until it is time for them to go back to school so I can have some peace. If you have never felt that way about your children, then well done you. But I would say the more normal thing is that you have at some time felt this way and, when pushed to the limits, even said it to your children.

Maybe it was a nasty thing to say. So the woman is not a saint. Welcome to the real world! It was also not helpful of her dh to make the comment he made to her. He should recognise that she is a woman on the edge and understand that she needs support.

TheHedgeWitch · 03/08/2008 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

PCNASWM · 03/08/2008 22:30

Thank you

#i trhink I did a siwies ting walk away and not le myu suer sesniutive draw me into a n arguement

ut th thing still upetting me, wasdthe - she;s pveracting - suscipus? vommemnt

nut I am o styaing. I havce catk far too mnh piolls and AI goio to ebled and hope fr bloivion. Funy, becaseu ifI jad sada coupe bottles of wine, tyo would alhavce bnenb twitching - when acdtually they are both as self desctrive oand it is al copin stragied, Whihdnbt aftewrk

nihht all esp my pals esp DG.

I will read diageswhenI amaone tmorrow d se ow uch oivr reactrndnslatng I will get

OP posts:

SlothyMcFrothy · 03/08/2008 22:32

Ah NASWM go to bed sweetie
Things wont feel so bad in the morning

Rhubarb · 03/08/2008 22:35

You've been drinking.

If I don't come across as sympathetic it's because I'm trying to get you to look at it from another point of view. Yes of course saying that could be construed as cruel, but then didn't I say that I had said worse to my kids? You have to accept that before you can begin to deal with it. Yes you are having a hard time, and that's tough and it's not something I would wish on anyone, but you do need to accept it. Your dh is having to deal with it too and every now and then he has to vent too. He is taking the kids away by himself, that must be tough, perhaps he's worried about how he'll cope. He has to support his wife too. So he doesn't have it easy either. It's too easy for us to criticise without knowing the full story.

Accept that you are depressed, accept that you can sometimes say wrong things because of this, accept that you need help, go and get that help. Because you deserve so much more. Often people don't get help soon enough because other people make them think that it's ok to be like that. Well no it's not. You must know that you're unhappy, so why put up with it? Go and get help now.

Original poster

PCNASWM · 04/08/2008 09:57

Firstly, I am sorry for my final post last night. Even I can hardly work out what I was saying.

Thank you for all your posts. I did get upset with some of the comments which is why I went away. At the time, I think that was the sensible thing to do. I came looking for an avenue to vent and rant and be supported and when I felt more ?got at? than comforted I decided I had done the wrong thing. But there was nothing suspicious about my intentions. No one was available to talk to in rl or on msn, so I came looking for a chat.

There seems to have been a lot more dragged into the thread than I would have liked. The thread was about my specific feelings concerning dh?s comment ? not about anything else. My OP details the discussion between dh and I. I did not say to him or the children that I didn?t care about their holiday. When I posted that on here it was in response to another post. (I do care about their holiday and hope they have a lovely lovely time).

I think there was far too much inaccurate judging on this thread ? although I accept the sympathetic nature intended. All I wanted was somewhere to go to let off my steam and bash a few thoughts about, and it felt like it turned into a ?NASWM is depressed and isn?t helping herself? thread. Which couldn?t be more wrong.

So ? for the record:

I am not clinically depressed ? although I do suffer bouts of depressiveness, like a lot of people do. At times I wish that I could have an easy diagnosis. (I have done all those things suggested on this thread and the outcome is that because I do not have a mental health illness I do not qualify for support/treatment).
My dh is taking the DC away to stay with his family, so he will not be single handed. The reason I am not going is because I didn?t think I would be around this summer and because our relationship has broken down to the extent where we spend separate time with the children.
I was upset last night because of one comment he made. And, after all, no one likes to be told they are nasty, do they? But it upset more than it might have done on another occasion because I was already very tired and exhausted after a long week of intense therapy.
I should not have made the my final post last night. I had been asleep. DS2 woke up and before going back to bed I foolishly came back on to mn. But I was not drunk. In fact I was totally sober. I had simply taken sleeping pills.

Now I have to go to work. I shoudl be working already but the idiot that I am meant that I wanted to make sure I had explained myself properly first.

Thank you again.

PCx

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 04/08/2008 13:40

DS4, who is a lovely lovely boy, just didn't sleep - couple of hours at a time was a major triumph, and this went on for some three years. One night, when he was only about two old, I fed and fed him till I felt like a dried up husk, tried to amuse him by eg bouncing him gently (so the milk didn't all come up again!) and eventually just walked up and down, up and down the room with him for what felt like hours, crying to myself and murmuring "oh go to sleep, you wretched baby, please go to sleep...", trying not to trip over my own eyelids. In the morning then-DH said "Why do you hate your baby?" He'd been lying there listening to me. I don't know whether I was more furious at his assumption that my knackered wailings meant I really hated the wee babe, or that he hadn't offered to bloody get up and give me a rest! (His excuse: "I was asleep really but sometimes I woke up for a minute and then I heard you.")

Needless to say, he is now XH.

DumbledoresGirl · 04/08/2008 15:17

You have explained yourself extremely well PCnaswm. Well done you, for coming back and doing that as I know you easily could have been too upset to do that.

Could you do me a favour though? If you change your name again? Could you include somewhere in your name the brief phrase "I am fully aware of my mental health problems and I have been having extensive therapy for various issues for X years". Just to pre-empt the inevitable response your posts seem to elicit along the lines of "get yourself some therapy".

I find this stock response to your threads so frustrating. I know not everyone here can know your history, but I also don't feel I should disclose too much information about you.

Oh and btw, hope you are and dh are happier today. You know why. Clever man!

Original poster

PCNASWM · 04/08/2008 18:08

your post made me smile DG - thanks!

Yes, dh and I are talking - and I am a bit happier (he got a job today!) but the same old issues keep flowing under the surface and his health stuff is always there to jump out and remind us of the fragility when we least expcet it

OP posts:

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