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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He loves me but he's not in love with me.

24 replies

GreatAuntieWurly · 23/07/2008 09:45

Got up this morning and Dh has said that he loves me but doesnt feel like hes in love with me.

Feel totally numb. he said he wants to work things out but I cant help but feel he has already made his mind up. I had no idea that he felt this way at all.

OP posts:

Dior · 23/07/2008 09:46

Message withdrawn

Original poster

GreatAuntieWurly · 23/07/2008 09:48

been together for 13 years. have 2 ds's. he says there isnt anybody and i do believe him. we have botg been thru a lot of stress recently.

OP posts:

Dior · 23/07/2008 09:50

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian · 23/07/2008 09:52

I feel that way about DH TBH. And I suspect that's how he feels about me too. I don't have a problem with that either. Weve been together for a long time - longer than you greatauntie. We have been through a lot of stress over the years and maybe it's knocked the gilt off the gingerbread but in the long run it's the gingerbread you really want.

Sometimes I yearn to love and be loved passionately, to be in love, as I have in the past but most of the time i prefer things as they are.

piratecat · 23/07/2008 09:52

those words are well documented on a site called midlife crisis.

They seem to indicate that phase where life has become hum drum, grown up and I feel that some men can't cope with this.

You don't have to be nearing 50 and going off buying boys toys to be in a 'crisis'. Maybe you both need to rediscover your 'life' and make positive steps. If he is willing.

Mine didn't give it a chance, i thik you can only say to him that you are very shocked but that you would love to talk, and both of you could learn about each other again.??

Dior · 23/07/2008 09:53

Message withdrawn

Original poster

GreatAuntieWurly · 23/07/2008 09:56

i just feel totally numb. all he kept saying was shall i stay home today but cant even be in the same room as him. he says he wants to work things out and that we are worth fighting for but at the same time I do have a feeling that its over.

OP posts:

Dior · 23/07/2008 09:57

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian · 23/07/2008 09:59

It doesn't sound to me as if it's over. He is trying to make it OK isn't he?

piratecat · 23/07/2008 10:00

you are in shock yes, but please do give him a chance to talk.

I know you are very hurt, i totally know how it feels. You think everything was ok, and that the love was a 'given'. Yet he sounds as tho he is suffering too, and it's hard to be honest about soemthing you know will hurt the one you love (cos he still does).

Original poster

GreatAuntieWurly · 23/07/2008 10:04

we have sat and talked this morning. He said he cant live a lie anymore and he hates that he has hurt me. I just dont know what to say to him, I always thought that things was so good between us.

OP posts:

Dior · 23/07/2008 10:16

Message withdrawn

piratecat · 23/07/2008 10:17

ask yourself, this tho, can you hand on heart saythings are great between you.

Apart from the the deep respect and love you have, what has lifebeen like for you both the past couple of yers?

bubblagirl · 23/07/2008 10:22

to be honest had same chat with my dp the other day

stress rows and everything had got to much he works away alot so on my own with ds who as ASD and i had long think as i didnt miss him while he was gone at all felt so relieved stress was out of my life

anyway he came back and felt i do love him but the fuzzy feeling of being in love is not there he annoys me but i dont want to be without him

we have decided to see how it goes as we both love each other but he kind of feels the same he shows no emotion which makes it harder for me

but we have talked and we have been getting on so much better i think alot of people dont feel in love anymore as it changes and stress can cloud how you really feel

we do love each other and not just because of ds alot of respect has been lost and this needs working on if this sorts itself out we can be ok but if it doesnt then we know we have to let it go

alot of people can drift apart its how you both work on bringing it back together his not taking to heart what i said but is determined to make as much effort back to get us back on track as the love is there and we can fall in love again i hope but if not then we'll see when it comes to it

Original poster

GreatAuntieWurly · 23/07/2008 11:56

i cant even think straight at the moment. my head is throbbing, i feel sick. dh keeps texting me to ask if i'm ok. No i'm not ok he has just ripped everything apart and i cant forgive him for that.

OP posts:

littleolwinedrinkerme · 23/07/2008 12:06

Wurly - please really think about what has happened here. Yes he has hurt you but my god he is being honest and obviously really wants to try and work it out, talk etc..(Many men dump this news on their DP's then f* off to work or somewhere without caring). You are very lucky in that respect (I know you don't feel so at the moment) there have been many many threads about this type of thing on here, all ending with 'he doesn't want to talk or make it work'. Deep breath - write everything down (pro's/cons' etc.) and please please please give him the time to talk. If it still doesn't work out then at least you have tried.

Original poster

GreatAuntieWurly · 23/07/2008 12:09

just dont feel like i can cope with this on too feverything else that has happened recently. I just cant cope any more

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 23/07/2008 12:42

I think I must misunderstand what you mean when you say that your DH loves you. What do you take that to mean? What is it that you want that you think isn't there? How do you and he see things differently?

Perhaps give yourself some time and let him know that you need that. And then have a talk. He sounds as if he wants to make things work.

bubblagirl · 23/07/2008 12:54

i love my dp dearly and all our problems have made me doubt my relationship hense my honesty in telling dp i am not in love or at least i dont think i am but i also want to make things work

if my dp reacted in the way you have taken this i probably would have made the desicion that it wont work

im not saying that to sound nasty but he has said he loves you and wants to work things out yet you seem reluctant to be happy that he still wants you he cares his been honest about how he feels talk tell him you love him too and want nothing more than to work things out its not impossible to fall in love again but both partners need to make the effort and think about each other not just themselves

he has not said he doesnt love yopu at all has not said its over but you have been lucky enough to find a man not afraid to say how he feels and not afraid to say he wants it to work many men at this stage up and leave

i dont just say that because i want to make yopu feel bad im hoping yopu can see it in more of a positive sight i say that as its how i feel and i dont just want to up an dleave but everything was becoming to much and i was feeling like my relationship was going down the pan unable to work out how i really feel but i know working togther with a better undersdtanding of each othe rit will work and all honesty we seem to be getting on so much better

dp admitted he felt the same but its the pressures of life and the shit it throws at you that has caused this and the fact we havent been looking out for each other enough we have slightly grown apart now we know and can fix these problems look at this as a fresh start he still loves you

bubblagirl · 23/07/2008 13:03

really i9 hope i didnt sound harsh i jsut meant that if your dh has been honest with you he may feel he needs support and if he doesnt get that he may feel reluctant to be honest again as he has told you he loves you and wants to work it out he may be looking for the i rreally want to work it out too

arrange a nice dinner together get lil one down early light a candle and have some old you time and allow some of the pressures to move away to make time for the 2 of you

my plans tonight we dont spend quality time together hardly have sex anymopre and losing closeness but still love each other

so tonight im doing nice dinner getting ds down early and dressing up blanket on the floor candles on the table and just relax and see if some of the old romance is there

and just be close to him again as i say i do love him just feeling like were letting the world rule our relationship and not doing enough for each other

really hope you can see that there is hope for you but support his feelings and work things out but rationally as it was probably hard for him to admit this and needs your support pull together and dont show him how much you feel hurt as he wants this to work pull together and support each other

good luck

totalmisfit · 23/07/2008 13:08

i think counselling -relate are very helpful - would be a very wise first port of call. It would help you both to understand why this has happened, why he feels the way he does and what you should do.

I really hope you manage to find a way through this. it must be awful for you to have to hear. At least he has been honest with you, which is nigh on impossible for some men. I know it probably doesn't seem like anything to be grateful for but it's a starting point, at least.

HappyWoman · 23/07/2008 15:41

Dont know all the background but you sound as if you want it to be the end??

Is there any depression? You seem to be seeing this as 'black and white'. 'he is not in love with you - then it must be the end'.

From what you have said it sounds as if he wants to make it work and that is good isnt it?

The first flush of love does wear off but it can be replaced by a much deeper feeling.

I dont think i am 'in love' with my h, but the other night i felt all warm and fuzzy towards him for no reason - and i want him in my life as much as possible - thats what i call loving someone.

nik76 · 24/07/2008 08:57

The fact that he has spoekn to you shows that he wants it to work - he could ahve said I'm not in love with you anymore so I'm leaving, but he's not. He loves you and the day to day life has got in the way of you two as a couple. You need to talk about how you want things to be improved and both work on it. If you weren't happy with something you'd want to be able to talk to him he's just doing the same.

greeneyedgirl · 24/07/2008 17:02

Sorry, but I will go against the tide here. I can understand why you are so devastated GAW, the fact that he has been honest doesn't mean that you should feel bloody grateful he has landed you with this bombshell. He has said it because he wants to be selfish and unburden himself.

There are ways to indicate there is a problem without saying that you are no longer in love with someone anymore. He could have told you he was feeling a little ruffled in the relatiosnhip because of day to day stuff and suggested counselling, this would have been the softly, softly approach. I am sure that he does love you, but these are the actions of a selfish person.

What you need at the moment is not to talk to him in depth, but take some time and space for you to go through things in your head and look at the relationship as objectively as possible. You also need to work out what it will take for you to trust him again, because saying you are no longer in love with someone is very hard to take back.

I wish you luck and I don't think you are over-reacting.

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