future faked

[teaandteal]

I have been in a toxic enmeshment for a decade now. I met a man 16y older than me when I was in my mid 30s. I had a thriving career but was going through a divorce at the time. I lived in a lovely place on my own and was committed to my career, he was a nice man who started promissing me the world. 'We will get married and have a child and build a home together.' As our relationship was progressing I started feeling more and more unwell. He started being very involved in my post divorce matters advising me and I became very confused. I am cutting story short. I lost my job, I depleted my savings and he was behaving strangely constantly talking about my money and how I should give it to him to invest for our future. I became very reluctant and sought legal advice. I was told not to invest into anything as I am being manipulated. He managed to pay off his house, moved to my rental, started paying for rental but wanted me to put money against another property of which the beneficiaries be his children. When I said no and suggested we get married first and have all on paper he started being nasty. I had no job so I became dependant on him. He was moving jobs from one to another, very high earner and I was at home looking for jobs but nothing was happening. I ended up going for minimum wage jobs just to get some of my own money. He promised to help me with recruiters he knew etc but never put a word out for me. Instead he became more and more agressive towards me. As I was finacially dependant we moved deeper into the countryside eventhough I did not want to. We rent a large house whilst his house is empty and mortgage free. There are no provisions after a decade together made in case something happens to him he is in his 60s. I am so vulnerable I'd end up homeless. My only family is my elderly mother who lives abroad and all my friends live abroad too. This year I got a stable job and I am able to save some money but it is low pay so I can not afford a place of my own. I feel future faked and very low and can not see a way out of this. He treats me like his free housekeeper and already made comments how I will look after him when he is old. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for 7 years and no intimacy in that time. He likes the show when we are out and about but at home treats me like staff. I am not sure what to do I am so down. I'd like to escape this but lack courage. I am now in my mid 40s and look younger than I am whilst he looks very old some people even think he is my father. I feel there is still life out there for me but a bit out of reach. Please be gentle. I wasted a decade of my life with a man who treats me like a servant.

I remember when I started my new job this year he was persistently telling me how I should leave it as it is stressful and affecting me etc. He simply wanted me financially dependant.

He talks about selling his house for years now yet nothing ever happens, he books viewings, we go and look at houses that are at least £300k short of what he can afford and mid 60s I am not sure how he envisages this. The houses are always what he wants and likes. I only agree to go to a viewing so he doesnt start argument. He already told me he wants me to contribute but persistently says it is for his children. So basically I am suppose to invest into something long term at loss.

I am very confused.

My biggest sympathies OP, I have been where you are and the mental anguish is unbearable. I am so, so glad to know that you are clearly highly intelligent as you had a wonderful career and are so vigilant to the ways in which he manipulates you. That is crucial as a lot of women don't ever realise this.

I know you say you lack courage but it is because of him tearing you down. He does not own you, he does not get to dictate your life. If I were you I would contact a women's refuge for accommodation away from him. I know it sounds scary and depressing but what's worse, living in his physical and mental jail when you clearly, rightfully cannot stand the prick, or living in a refuge with your own space, able to start moving forward with your life? I would take the latter in any lifetime. There is absolutely ZERO shame in it. It is the best and bravest thing you could do and so much easier without having children to take with you.

Ignore all of his demands, get onto phoning/emailing a women's refuge tomorrow, quietly leave while he's at work once you have a space sorted. I can promise you that you will feel so much better just having that control back over yourself, make your own decisions and not be treated like staff.

I'm also very suspicious he supposedly has an empty house just sat there - are you sure it doesn't have his wife in it? Where do his kids live, how old are they? Regardless of all of that, as it really doesn't matter at this point, your main goal is to leave. The rest you sort out after. You sound a great person with a good head on her shoulders, you will be able to find a new career once you are in a better headspace. Seriously good luck, I'm really rooting for you. Sending big hugs too as being in those situations are worse than anything else I can honestly think of. You can do it, OP 💐

This is shocking. As PP has said, please leave. Pack all your things into a small bag and quietly leave. No discussion at all. You owe him NOTHING.

even if you end up in a house share and low pay job you will be FREE. That’s priceless!

@SatansFavourite thank you for your kind words. I managed to save some money and because of divorce and a decade with him I have a lot of stuff which I think I should start moving to a safestore. The logistics of it all scare me. The move is like a huge project for me. As for women's refuge I have been very hesitant because if you saw me walking down the street you would never have thought this is my life. As for him to show the level of manipulation and person he is - We have two cars and I am loyal to one brand for many years, when we met he sold his car and for 5 years drove my car, I then bought another car and bought it cash (to his surprise) he immidiately wanted to contribute towards it (I realised it was a trap as he simply wanted control over the car). I thanked him politely and bought the car myself, he bought his car on a loan and was all angry about it. He recently said to me that because his car is getting into higher mileage and mine has low mileage we should start ramping up my mileage. I did not say a word thinking it was ok to drive my old car for 5 years. This is the level we are talking about. My mum despite mid 80s is all well and fit but he already asked me what am I going to do with my inheritance. I said 'I'll give it to your children'. Yes sarcastic. I do not want to spend Christmas with him and his family because it is literally a charade of him pretending as if we are a married couple. It's insane. He can not understand I also have the right to have Christmas the way I want it. Since he booked xmas lunch out I politely declined the invite and said I will stay at home to which he asked me which home implying where I am now with him is not my home (the rental). I declined the invite and he started yelling at me. He is also a very boring unsociable person and people just do not like him which I realised very late. His children see him once a year, bluntly saw they are awaiting their inheritance. His house is empty no wife, I have been there, he just keeps it as a ringfenced asset.