A Fake Wedding?

[6BedroomTownHouse]

So my mum has a terminal illness. We don't know full details yet but standard prognosis is 2-5 years. One thing she's always always wanted is to see me get married.

I'm in a not totally new relationship as in we are thinking of moving in together soon, we've spoken about life in the future including getting married (he's been married before, I haven't) but I'm not sure that timeframe really fits

I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there (my dad died when I was a child and I have no siblings so it's literally been the two of us since 1999, I also literally have no-one else to walk me down the aisle)

She's offering to pay for the whole thing including honeymoon - I guess from my inheritance but obviously I'd rather be homeless than lose my mum so the money doesn't matter.

I'm thinking we should maybe therefore commit to this before we are totally ready, but to have a symbolic ceremony only (a la Stacey Solomon/Joe Swash or Olivia Attwood/Bradley Dack) and then do the legal stuff at a later date if we feel that's what we want. As it's not legal there would be no implications if we split

Is this a completely ridiculous idea or do I give my mum her final wish?

Would you hide from your mom the fact it would be fake?

No I wouldn't

What does your partner think?

I haven't properly floated it within him, although warned him when she got her terminal diagnosis that she might push for a wedding... he has expressed he wants to marry in the future though

I'm sorry about your mum but you asked if it was a ridiculous idea and I think it is. Isn't the reason parents want to see their child married is because they know their child is happy and found a loving and committed partner? Since you don't sound like you are ready in your relationship to make the legal commitment then wouldn't this just be a party with you in a white dress?

I am happy and have found a loving and committed partner. It just feels too soon

Personally, i dont think its a good decision. I am
sorry you are going through this. I went through something very similar. Its soul crushing. Hang in there

Even in those sad circumstances I don't see the point of a fake wedding.,

I’m sorry OP, that’s horrible news about your mum.

if you have plans to move in with your partner, focus on that, see how you feel in a year. Focus on making genuine meaningful memories with your mum for now. See how you feel about the idea in 12 months.

i understand the sentiment I really do. I couldn’t understand why a very close immediate family member was cross that I didn’t have a big party for a special birthday. She was diagnosed with a terminal illness shortly afterwards, and I realised then that she probably already suspected her fate and that’s why she wanted to have a big celebration. Do I wish I’d known and had a party anyway, even though I really didn’t want one? Absolutely. But now, it hasn’t changed anything. I have wonderful memories that carry me through my grief, and I did some other special things with her that I will always treasure.

How long have you been together?

But she wouldn’t see you getting married would she because you wouldn’t be getting married, so no. Also she wouldn’t be paying for it out of your inheritance, she would be paying for it out of her money. Also, why let her spend a shit load of money on basically nothing. Mayne focus in making memories with her, does she have a bucket list you could work through? Perhaps some exciting adventures for the 2 of you to go on.

This is an absolutely idiotic idea, sorry. Marriage isn’t a spectator sport, even if it’s not a legally binding one. You can’t have a pretend marriage to someone you aren’t even serious about just for the party. Especially not if it’s blowing your inheritance. What a waste of your future security too. Why not go travelling with your mum and make some memories together? I have incurable cancer and I’d be absolutely devastated if one of my dc did this.

No, if you want an event for her to focus on think of something else - a milestone birthday or anniversary, a promotion or graduation, or a celebration of her life and family and friends. A fake wedding is kind of shite. It’s all the effort and expense for the sake of it. A lot of invitees might not show up as it’s not a real wedding.

Op its a silly idea.
But depending on your age, I don't know that I'd consider moving in if a wedding wasn't on the cards anyway.
I'm not that old but got married 18mths after we met. It felt right, and we didn't want to merge houses unless we were both committed to it.

If you are sure hes right for you go with a small wedding nearest & dearest if you really want to do it

What about going on a family holiday together and making memories.

To me it makes a lot of sense and I would do it.

No. I’ve seen this sort of performance on YouTube and it just seems really weird to me. Deep down, your mum and everyone else involved will know it’s a farce.

It’s not surprising that she’s fixating on this when she’s been given a terminal diagnosis. I’d be talking to her about less manic ways to spend the rest of her life. My BIL was able to access some useful counselling after his terminal diagnosis by talking to his care team.

If you say he is going to be your partner, as you put in a reply, then why not a real wedding, if you are sure he's the one, even if it is earlier than you would have planned otherwise? But surely he would only want to do it if he feels it is real? Much as I love my husband, I wouldn't have done this if he said it was a fake wedding, even though I'd want to please his mum.

Then it really is too soon, please don't rush anything, for your partners sake as much as anything, if you express it is something you want to do for your mum, then you will never know if he was happy to do it or did it because he felt he had to, it will feel hollow and forced and it isn't how a marriage should start.

Have you thought about going wedding dress shopping with her though? That way she can feel like she is having some involvement in your future happiness, and when the time comes you can wear it knowing it is what you chose together?

Or if you didn't want to be that committed, you could start a 'wedding plan' and do it with her down to all the minute details.. to be honest though, you should just jump at the chance to spend as much time with as possible, making as many nice memories as you can.

If you think it's too soon, that's your answer.

Sorry about your mum.

What an absolutely beautiful idea , how lovely . Thats fabulous , what do you think op?

@BeSharpHelper I think it's more that she wants to see me have a wedding than be involved in the plans. I feel if we did this then it would just be all the things that she'd never get to see

The reason we haven't moved in together yet is because he has a son and is having some problems with his ex wife/son's mum. We would definitely want to get married at some point but I'd like to live together first and the logistics are also a bit of a pain