Am I in the wrong?

[tomoveornottomovee]

I’m feeling all over the place tonight. Marriage on the verge of finally breaking down.

DH resents me because he works long hours whereas I’m part time. However, I do bring in almost 50% of our income. We both do household chores, but I do pretty much everything for DC including all the mental load.

We’ve had another argument tonight because I’m meeting a friend for lunch next week. He doesn’t want me spending money, and I feel like he thinks I have an easy and luxurious life, whilst he’s grafting.

I am stressed, exhausted & have some health issues. I feel he does get down time (every evening and 1.5 days of the weekend). I do every single bedtime. I do have about 12 hours in the week when DC is at school but that’s usually spent cleaning, working or crashing. I feel nothing I do is ever enough.

We don’t have any immediate money issues (small mortgage and good savings) but still DH acts like we’re on the breadline.

I don’t know if I am in the wrong. I don’t know if I should walk away or if I’d regret it. I do t know if there’s a way back for us. I don’t think DH would agree to the cost of therapy.

You are not in the wrong in the least especially if you are more.as less equals on income. Can I ask how he has 1.5 days downtime on weekend? Does he do any parenting?

Fuck. Him.

Small mortgage which yiu can cover. Buy him out and tell him to get out.

Not really. He basically just gets on with what he wants to do - washing his car, in the garden etc. I tend to take DC out on my own, or entertain at home. He may come in for half an hour if I ask him to so I can cook. I do bedtime etc.

ETA in reply to @CombatBarbie

So sorry to hear this OP.

Having young children is a very, very stressful time in any marriage.It just feels like an unending list of tasks.

Can you have a few nights out and reconnect, then talk about what needs to change in your marriage and what changes you are both willing to make?

There are all sorts of possibilities, maybe initially he starts doing a bathtime once a week so you get a night off? As he realises how much work it is perhaps you can work up to a more equal split? Though it’s hard if you work part time as clearly you have more time available to do stuff than him. Maybe you do a few more hours to create a financial buffer?

The part I'd say you were 'in the wrong' about is doing all the bedtimes. Doing all the parenting.

Of course you should be able to go for lunch.
He is being ridiculous.
What you need to think about - if he isn't prepared to discuss it with you - is do you want this to be your life for the next 50 years ?

Suggest a trial separation because you’re unhappy. See how that goes for you (maybe you’ll hate it and are willing to change) and maybe the prospect of a full split triggers a willingness to go to therapy, to get past his resentment, get more involved in parenting etc

There's a lot to unpack there op.

You might "only" do a few days a week paid work (if we are giving his view any airtime), but as you say, you bring home your share of the bacon and the unpaid work of the home and family is vastly, disproportionately on your shoulders.

And yet he still seems resentful.

This doesn't add up. He should be delighted that you earn well, and save him £££ in all the work of the home: if you outsourced the things you do for free, it would cost a fortune (cooking, cleaning, childcare) and that's in addition to your paid work.

He doesn't get to say whether you meet a friend for lunch or not. You need a life of your own.

The cost of therapy is cheaper, ultimately than divorce - but if that's the only reason he would try it, it's unlikely to succeed, it takes both of you. Is he up at midnight wondering how to fix the marriage?

How much time does he devote to taking some of the burden off you, or even just letting you have your small joys, like meeting a friend.

Also. Just put a duck or two in a row. If your savings are in any way managed by him, slow burn get your own pot going- if only for your "fun" money (lunch! Oh, what luxury !) and a savings pot. And find the paperwork for your assets.

Bin him. He's dragging you down.