Should we move when our marriage is in trouble?

[tomoveornottomovee]

DH announced this morning he thinks we should sell our house and downsize. We’re okay financially but DH is anxious about the cost of living crisis and by downsizing we could release some equity and potentially go mortgage free.

I’m not opposed to selling the house but I am worried because our marriage has been in difficulties and basically, I don’t just want to take our problems into a new house.

DH has showed me details of a house he’d like to look at online and I really don’t like it. It’s bleak. I’m now thinking should we just call it a day. DH says he doesn’t want to do this.

I’m worried the process of trying to find somewhere (which we agree on) is going to be very stressful, and we may just split later on having gone to the time and expense of moving. I don’t want to cause unnecessary upheaval to DC.

This has been sprung on me today so my thoughts are a bit all over the place.

You'll be charged if you get out of the mortgage within the first couple of years, and then you'd been upending your kids lives twice in a short space of time.

If it's over just start the divorce, it takes ages.

I think you should be prepared. Get your ducks lined up and see a lawyer about what would happen if you divorce.

How old are your kids that he's thinking of downsizing now? Are they hitting their late teens? Because downsizing if your kids are younger doesn't make much sense.

Absolutely do not move when your marriage is potentially on the rocks, especially when there are children involved. Selling and moving houses isn’t exactly going to ease the stresses and burdens are they? And imagine putting your children through all that upheaval, and then breaking up which they’ll also have to cope with, and presumably have to go through yet another move. If your marriage is on the rocks, the focus should be on fixing (or ending) your marriage, not causing more stress and upheaval

If you downsize will you make it harder to fund two homes later? That would be important to consider.

No don't do it you'll be wasting money especially if you split anyway.

No way would I move in that situation. Sell your home, divide the money and find somewhere that suits you. If you buy a much cheaper place together and then split the money, you can be sure you'll be much worse off financially.

The idea is to be mortgage free so an early redemption penalty wouldn’t be an issue

Don’t move. Moving is so expensive when factoring in estate agent and legal fees, removals, and stamp duty running into many thousands.

We would have a mortgage free house and money in the bank. We would “lose” the cost of moving but with the capital we should still be able to move on and fund two (even smaller) homes hopefully

I have been so on the fence about what to do. I’ve really been struggling to make a decision or know what to do for the best. In a weird way, I think DH wanting to move may be the catalyst for a separation because it throws into sharp relief whether I can actually go on feeling like this.

Sorry if I missed it but are your relationship concerns solely due to the mismatch over plans for the future and property or is the relationship struggling separately from that?

I think that makes a huge difference

The house move is a red herring, if the marriage is over there will be a house change of some kind, so go with that.
No point kicking the can down the road and upending your kids lives multiple times.
House moves are famously stressful and won't be enjoyable if you and your husband don't like each other.

If you think your marriage is in trouble then this should be your focus, decide, maybe with counselling if it is worth saving and if you both can and are willing to save it or not.

So long as the savings pot is in joint names - with a ‘both signatures to operate’ on the account, and the new house is in joint names (set up as joint tenants 50-50 split) then you’ve romanced and protected your share, then why not? I can see the benefit to being mortgage free in this climate.

it’s better than potentially splitting and having to sort out a house sale.

could you suggest counselling post move? Moving house is incredibly stressful and you’d probably need it afterwards.

Marriage counselling and work first. Move later.

I'm cynically wondering if your DH has checked out and is trying to get you to agree to a neat solution?

I think that this point you need legal advice and also decide what would be best for you alone and not the both of you as a couple

Are you saying your DH doesn't want to split but you do?

Would moving potentially make things better if money stress is removed and life a bit easier?

If you want a divorce hold fire on moving house. Wait and see what you'll get in a settlement plan. Go to see a solicitor and find out before you make any decisions.

Is he possibly choosing the smaller house he wants to live in, with the intention of separating and continuing to live there while you move out?