16 year relationship, 10 years married. 2 teenage boys.
Would be great to get some independent views on where to go next.
I'm 37, wife 50. Short but fun honeymoon period before eldest was born around 14 months after we first met.
Since then affection and intimacy waned to the extent we haven't had sex for 3 years, and was 2 year gap prior to that, no other intimate acts inbetween either. Always declined / complained of pains but never sought medical help.
I know she has a toy so has some interest and something must be manageable? But she doesn't know I know - a manual thing you get was left out once, didn't approach the subject and pretended I didn't see it.
Also general 'love you bye' when leaving / ending phone calls never returned, kisses on end of texts no more, holding hands and hugs are non reciprocal. I hug and she doesn't hug back. Hurts when we are at socials and she can hug others with more warmth. I probably try too much, but just longing for some affection / validation / self esteem. Last time I got a 'love you' response on what's app was 2019. As said I probably am too needy and always seeking reassurance but I wasn't like this when she could give that reassurance, or as bad pre 2023.
In 2023 I found out the wife was messaging and sharing intimate messages and pictures and met this person and whilst didn't DTD they still snogged and fondled. Long story short I called it out and it died down. However this made my self esteem take a nose dive, felt suicidal, betrayed and never felt so much hurt before. I self reflected and accept I was working far too much and neglecting family life and kids and understood why she looked for attention elsewhere. Pre incident I would get into a routine where I would have a few drinks after rugby on a Saturday which she never came to, which would usually end in some form of falling out when I returned.
We struggled to rebuild and still doesn't accept she did anything wrong in 2023 but I tried to look forward and gave up some work to commit more time to family, although our household took a financial hit. I also reduced the amount of alcohol I drink and this has had a positive impact too, having more alertness and awareness in family life.
So the past 36 months have been tough and I have been highlighting that I am really trying to be a better person and have done for a sustained period of time, what's the barrier to your affection coming back? This is met with dismissive comments like 'go find someone else' or "if you love me it doesn't matter."
I have been reinforcing my statement that I love you but I need affection to be happy in our relationship, and she said well I am what I am and if you love me you will stick by me. It will be me ruining our family if it's not good enough. Suicide is mentioned, but she has for many years. I once called the police she left the house saying she was going to jump off a bridge and I couldn't follow her as I had the boys in my care, much younger, and wouldn't answer phone. Anyway she holds this against me to this day.
This is the current stalemate we have got to, can't get a constructive conversation, but I do love my wife and family.
Whats next?