DH parenting style causing issues

[Preparingforbattletalkmedown]

DH was brought up by two very cold, self centred, career-orientated parents. The irony is both were clinical psychologists. i was brought up in a very communicative, loving and warm relationship with my Dgrandparents and when they were around, my Dparents

Our own approaches to parenting I thought were very similar until recently. We have two kids the oldest our teen DD and our youngest DS. (9) Both kids are autistic our son is adhd too. DH has adhd. Our dd was a very easy child so we never had any problems. DS is a bit more challenging but he doesn’t misbehave, has never been naughty, he just has more symptoms of his ND visible in his everyday behaviour and with his hormones starting to appear he’s getting a bit moody and cheeky but nothing that warrants ww3 at home every morning my partner is getting him ready (we take turns) . I’ve worked out a way of dealing with DS so that we don’t fight, I get what needs done, done and we’re still good friends too.

DH has started reverting to parenting like his parents did which is a lot of getting angry, shouting, ordering and demanding. (You will do this because I say so type stuff) then getting moody if it doesn’t work. This doesn’t work when ds has a pathological demand avoidance and I end up with ds in tears coming to me for comfort. I could explain til I’m blue in the face to DH why his approach isn’t working but he’s very defensive and conflict avoidant with adults so any time I’ve tried to speak about it he gets irritated and annoyed or goes silent.. My son feels he’s bullying him (I wouldn’t say it goes that far -yet- but it’s how my son is interpreting it and I need to respect that) and I need my son to feel safe at home.

DH’s parents really fucked him up mentally and he struggles with low self esteem, a need to be liked by everyone and is forever bending over backwards to please to the detriment of his own wellbeing and I’m confused why he can’t be like that with his own son when he’s like that with DD. Knowing how damaging this approach was to him growing up and into adulthood why does he get so angry with his DS? DS is very like his dad, very sensitive etc and I’m so concerned he ends up with the same mental health problems because of this relationship starting to crack. It’s only going to get worse as DS becomes a teen himself. I know DS does need to learn to be a bit more flexible within his limits but so does DH.

How do I fix this before their relationship gets destroyed for good. The teenage years are going to be hard enough as it is without this additional dynamic?

Have you just used getting ready in the morning as an example, or are all interactions like this?
Just wondering whether rejigging the routine so that you can bith play to your strengths would work - so you do the majority of mornings but dh does bedtimes or cooks dinner or whatever he is strongest at?
There's not such a stark divide in our house but my girls definitely come to me when they're sad/want to chat and although dh is concerned, he doesn't really know how to deal with it so I do those bits but we try and balance it in other areas.

The writing was on the wall re him.

You cannot fix this on your own and your h is very much a product of his upbringing at the hands of two very critical parents . Is he willing to seek therapy re them?. Does he realise that his upbringing has a huge part in how he behaves now?. What’s he like to outsiders?

Is he formally diagnosed with ADHD?.

I would continue to put the welfare of your kids front and centre: not him. I’d be asking him to leave the marital home as this cannot continue.

Unless your H acknowledges his behaviour and is willing to change it, then there’s not much you can do about the damage he chooses to inflict upon the relationship with his son. How does your H feel about the relationship between him and his father ?

Is it just mornings? I think you need to acknowledge to your DH what you almost said as an after thought in your post here - that DS needs to learn too, because he does, he’s a child at the end of the day and he’s being raised by his parents, not the other way round. Work out how to work with your DH so that you both meet in the middle rather than you working around your son totally, and then expecting DH to do the same. Sounds like the 2 adults in the house need to communicate better so I’d focus on that first. DH needs to understand that he’s basically raising himself and have more empathy and understanding that DS doesn’t need to be like your DD. But dont make it a battle field between you and DH

He sounds awful actually. His parents may well have fucked him up, but he's actively choosing to fuck up his own son. I'm not sure why you ever found him an attractive prospect, based on how you describe him, but the time has definitely come for you to give him an ultimatum.

And if you do issue an ultimatum you need to be prepared to follow it through. Such things can only be issued once.