DH provides little to no emotional support

[Thethrillsthatyouspill]

Recently had a crushing career disappointment. Something that had been building up with lots of hope and expectation over the best part of a year came to a big fat stop two days ago. No point going into details but I am so angry with my DH about how he’s behaving towards me.

All I needed was a bit of acknowledgment and sympathy. A ‘aw that’s so shit’ and a shoulder to cry on. Instead I get immediate ‘don’t be down because XYZ!’ …and then when I don’t immediately bounce back - and I mean by immediately, after a minute long conversation about the issue - I get ‘you’re so negative’, ‘you’re being over the top’, ‘I can’t bear you when you’re like this’.

I saw my best friend yesterday and she made me feel so much better. She just listened and acknowledged and I came away feeling calm and happy. It couldn’t have been more different to how my husband made me feel.

What’s even more annoying is that he’s far from a steady, happy go lucky type of man. He’s pretty grumpy and moody… and me and the kids just navigate that.

We’ve been married a long time and I feel his inability to be empathetic has worsened over the years. I honestly don’t know if there’s any point in us being together if he’s so unsupportive, or if I just look at the positive aspects of our marriage, and accept he’s emotionally hopeless and I just need to find my support elsewhere

anyone faced similar?

Yep. I’ve had a lot on my plate lately and I got told in no uncertain terms that I need to sort myself out. I did actually get some sympathetic words, but no hug and the tone of voice was so lacking in care that it was obvious he wanted me to just pull myself together. For me, I’ve had to accept that I can’t go to my DH for that kind of emotional support. I think you’re right, you do have to get the support elsewhere. Sorry, it’s rubbish!

Acceptance does make a huge difference. I still feel sad about the lack of support at times, but I have wondered if he feels scared when the person he relies on is out of sorts, so he can’t cope with it and really does need me to pull myself together. Like if a parent ever cried when you were a kid and it freaked you out. Could that be the case for your DH?

My mum was a couples therapist for decades and she says one of the most common complaints from women was men not being able to empathise in situations where emotional support was required — either trying to tell the woman how to fix it or trying to talk them out of their very valid feelings.

I agree that it’s hard to know why you should stay with someone who is incapable of offering emotional support. My partner was bad at this and had gotten much better with couples therapy. It took us three tries to find the right person, though, and we had the benefit of him accepting he had shortcomings in this area. I still wouldn’t say he’s as good at it as my female friends, but his improved to a point where it’s not threatening the relationship.

Thank you both. Very interesting and useful perspectives.

I just feel so down though. Sometimes I read about couples where they call each other ‘best friends’, or I hear a people say their partner just makes everything better. It couldn’t be further from the truth for me! I had this bad news - and DH knew how disappointing it was - but in the aftermath his attitude made me feel much worse.

It’s not the first time and it’s making me question our whole marriage tbh. Like, why won’t he at least TRY to be nice?! I feel as though 20 years ago, he would have been…