Christmas / Kids / Alone

[FloydPink]

Am already starting to worry over Xmas.

For context, up till divorce I was a huge Christmas fan. Xmas songs in October, watching all the cooking programmes in Nov, excel sheet for food shop and planing all the meals to cook. Pretty obsessed you could say!! Divorce pretty much killed that, as all of a sudden the family dynamic is gone. Parents and siblings moved to Spain 12 years ago so no other family in UK.

First year was tough, had kids Xmas eve and day till 4. Then GF of the time was here that day and night but left Boxing Day morning, so was alone from 9 till kids return at 4. Yeah, I know, first world problems and all that!

Second year went away with GF and her kids as was worried about being alone, which meant I missed out on some time with kids and the ex 'winning' and getting them all the period.

Last year GF kids were working and with others, so she was with me the whole time in and amongst kids. But this year seems different. Kids are 19 and 16 so basically adults. They dont see the issue with me being alone for some of the time "it's only another day" (in which case dont leave me alone and see mum after). But for me it is a big thing, especially as I will see them Xmas eve morning then not till after 6 on Xmas Day at earliest, maybe Boxing Day.

I know it sounds OTT but it just makes me feel awful. Even seeing the Xmas magazines is making me panic and I am normally so confident, happy and content!

Thinking of getting out to Spain to see family for that week. But it annoys me I have to 'run' and that ex gets another unspoilt Xmas while I have to miss out.

Anyone else in similar boat with any thoughts?

I actually think leaving every time your kids don’t spend Christmas Day with you and therefore not seeing them the whole period is just going to keep causing more damage.
If you can go away 2 of the 3 years and see them for hardly any of the period it’s not going to make them prioritise you over the festive period now they’re getting to be young adults.
You don’t have to “run” and you need to stop phrasing it as your ex winning because you chose to swan off.
How much do you see your children in the week?
Do you have a close relationship in general?
At 19 and 16 they aren’t going to stick to an alternative schedule, it’s going to be based on them and what they want, what their friends are doing etc
You do just need to accept that Christmas is going different going forward mostly due to age, not just separation.
You need to treat your kids like the older teens/ young adults they are and make plans with them rather than just assuming they will prioritise you if it doesn’t seem like you are prioritising them.

Dec 25 is just a day. What makes Christmas memorable is what you do and who you do it with. If that means you have your "Christmas" day with your children on Dec 26 then so what? What have you actually lost? You get to have a special day with your favourite people. Don't focus on what you don't get, focus on what you do.

They are with me 50/50 so I do get plenty of time... well, they are teens so they are often out doing their own things!!

It's not necessarily about not having them Xmas day, if my mum, brother and sister lived even 3 hours away I would simply see them. It's the fact that I will be alone all of Xmas day. To some that means nothing, just another day etc... but as someone who loved Christmas, and does see the perfect Xmas on TV, sees families having fun and knowing that I am at home alone for the day (sorry for the self pity) it breaks me.

I know... some people are alone the whole period, I have friends I can see on Xmas eve day, I have the kids on Boxing Day so I am luckier than most

Your ex didn’t ‘win’, you choose to go away and therefore your own teens couldn’t see you 🙄.
Your post reads as very ‘me, me, me’.

💯 this.

You chose to go away and complain this means your ex "wins"?

As an adult, you're seriously making this a problem for yourself when it doesn't need to be.

All my family died. We used to have big, extended family Christmas, I loved it. 20+ people. Everyone's dead now, many much earlier than they should have.
I don't currently have a partner to spend it with.
I could and have done friend Christmases in the past, but this year I can't face the organising in advance required for that.

I will be alone. Completely. Even my housemate/lodger will go to her family, so I'll be completely alone for 3-4 days.

It's not the Christmas I would have wanted. And I could get deeply upset about it. But I don't need to.
And it's ok. Life can be not exactly how we'd prefer, and that's still fine.

Shakespeare is helpful: There's nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so.
You can build it up and make it a big deal, or you can accept how it is this year, and make changes next year if you want something different.

But you do sound a bit self obsessed and in pity party mode.

You didn’t miss out on time with your kids when you went away. You chose it. It wasn’t important for you then to allow your kids a chance to see you at all over Christmas, so it’s a bit much to complain that they aren’t pushing to spend the write day with you now.