Affairs/ locked messages function/ missed signs

[magnoliaskies]

Just very annoyed with the universe, men, and myself, and looking for any reassurance that I’m not as completely idiotic as I feel.

This is completely pointless, as we have been split up for ages, but today I’m for some reason just overtaken by irritation at myself for accepting reassurance from soon to be ex H about messaging, but I later found out about a locked messages function, which would have shown me that his reassurance was false.

I asked him to show me his WhatsApp messages, as for many reasons I was worried he was too close to a female colleague. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have asked him to show me his messages, one to work on in therapy if I ever get around to that.

Where I am annoyed is that when ex H showed me the list of his WhatsApp messages, her name wasn’t there (well, they can’t have been close if they didn’t even message 🤦‍♀️), and I apologised for being so paranoid. Apologised. FFS. What I didn’t know then is that if I had asked him to search her name in the search bar on WhatsApp, not only would her name appear, but when he clicked it, a locked messaging screen would have appeared and he would have had to put in a code to unlock it. He absolutely would never have unlocked it to show me, and even the locked chat/ him not unlocking it would have told me all I needed to know, and it would have been far preferable to months of being lied to and gaslit.

Because I didn’t know about the locked messages thing at the time (technophobe), I think it’s so in my head because I’m finally ready to date again, but what signs will I miss this time. Probably a sign I’m not quite ready to get out of the starting blocks yet.

If anyone else has been through this kind of shit, you have my immense sympathy.

I have been there. Messages were not even the half of it. It’s completely shit so I’m sorry you’ve gone through it. But on the bright side, my current DP is lovely so I hope it doesn’t put you off all men. You had a gut feeling about this colleague and you were right. So you didn’t miss any signs. So when you’re ready to date again, you’ll be fine.

Please don’t beat yourself up OP. I don’t know about that function either.

You are being very hard on yourself. He lied, cheated, gaslit you are you are beating yourself up because you didn't know about a watsapp function.Cheaters will cheat. Its not a reflection on you. Its a reflection on him. Believing him doesnt make you nieve, gullible or stupid. Don't let his lies ruin your next relationship. Don't give him headspace and carry him around with you.

Are you me, OP?! I have had EXACTLY the same thing happen to me in the last two months, and I had no idea either. He has been sleeping with her for 7 months. He is now still messaging her, but on WhatsApp if you choose “Delete For Me” rather than “Delete For Everyone” you can’t even see that a message has been deleted so thought he was getting away with it. I have been so stupid. Just put myself to bed in the sofa after more broken promises tonight. I really need to kick him out tomorrow. I am so sorry, OP, it really is shit.

Sad that others are going through this too - it’s the hiding in plain sight thing for me, I think, and just knowing that something as ridiculously simple as a locked message screen appearing would have provided the answer I spent months tormenting myself over.

I suppose it’s a moot point though, because the problem is that it was there to be found, not that my WhatsApp technical knowledge was sub-par in finding it! Just still feel a bit silly, really.

irs weord how you don't really need evidence yet you do to stop yourself going mad
family member had a similar feeling. Hunting down where her h was

He’s an expert deceiver.

You are a normal person.

Don’t beat yourself up over a creep lying, cheating and covering his slimy tracks well. He’s the problem. Not you.

You judged him by your standards - but he is a loser.

My friend had similar in the end she said to him that she was glad the OW had contacted her and let her know what was going on. She then refused to divulge more. It wasn’t true but he was desperate to know and was clearly angry - I doubt it will have helped his new relationship with a woman who had lied to her own husband.

Don't beat yourself up, he's in the wrong not you.

In WhatsApp though if you do lock a message with a pass code and then enter their name in the search bar, it doesn't bring their name up, it would be like you had never chatted. So I wouldn't beat yourself up about that if that is what is making you upset. Still if he has locked chats due to having an affair, of course that is just awful and I hope you are okay.

So hang on you are blaming yourself / annoyed with yourself because you were not technical enough to spot that your husband was having an affair. This is almost like self victim shaming/ blaming.

Why should you or any woman even have to be in a position to know to do this? You signed up I presume to a relationship of mutual trust. He broke it. That’s it. Accept that for what it is. You not finding out sooner or being smarter etc is irrelevant! You were always good enough and still are. Hold up your head, take a deep breath and give yourself a massive bloody hug. You have gone through and are still going through all the feelings of betrayal, and you need to take some time to care just for you to recover. Not sit here beating yourself up about this. What can you do now to show yourself some compassion? As that’s what you deserve after all you went through. And remember - finding your own happiness again is the best revenge. So focus on you and finding out what gives you joy. Because you just escaped a damaged weak man. Now you have another chance to do life for you. All the best.

Honestly these men are expert liars and manipulators, you probably don’t know the half of it. Be prepared for even more to come on later down the line as you wake up to the reality of your marriage. Very long story but I knew a guy once who used a website to create fake messages, when his wife asked to see screenshots of the apparently innocent messages between him & a female work colleague, that he’d “accidentally” deleted but the just a friend hadn’t.

OP, I was in a very messed up relationship for over two years and have spent the last 5 years since it ended trying to get my head around just wtf was going on. Truth is, you can't see into someone else's head. If they're skilled liars and manipulaters you don't stand a chance as a 'normal' person. Thankfully they can't maintain the lie forever.

Happily married now to a lovely man. Took it very slowly as my boundaries were wide! Just trust yourse and be resolute about what you want.

Sending hugs op ive been there. I didnt know about the chat lock either on there until I found it. I clicked on the work colleague woman i was suspicious of, in his contacts list and it said "this chat is locked" I wouldnt of known otherwise. He did alsorts (look up my threads) 😢😪

Its an awful position to be in. Im only just coming through the other side. Its still raw for me. Agree with all other replies especially the one about them being expert manipulators and liars. My ex h is still doing it. and sending love to all xx

This is so true :( alsorts has come out here

Sending more hugs op. You have done NOTHING wrong xxx

I didn’t know there was a locked message function either. I would wager the normal people with nothing to hide don’t. So don’t beat yourself up. Cheaters gonna cheat. One way or another xxx

Your exH does not deserve the headspace. Been through the same, now divorced, and happy. It will eat you up for a bit, you'll be going over scenarios and kicking yourself for not seeing it before. Hindsight, is 20/20. Counselling will help. Cheating partners will lie, cheat, gaslight, the shit they pull in plain sight, is breathtaking. They are devious, underhand and will say anything to keep their unsuspecting partner onside. You have done NOTHING wrong. Remember, your successor will likely have the same done to them. Chin up, chest out. You've got this. Sending love💐

You didn’t know about hidden WhatsApp messages because you don’t have anything to hide. These irresistible men with their bevy of adoring female admirers, on the other hand, need to be able to cover their tracks from their crazy paranoid wives.