Long sorry trying to avoid a drip feed, and I'd really welcome some perspective.
Been married to DH for 20 years, one DD age 19.
Last year we went through a very difficult time - both myself and my husband and I became quite seriously ill which affected us in different ways. I was able to take six months off work and find help and treatment through NHS and private care. My husband basically struggled to source any treatment, not entirely his fault, but as a result became increasingly sicker and quite frankly vile to live with.
He found it very difficult to deal with our autistic DD who herself was in the process of preparing big changes in her life, ie leaving sixth form and going to Uni. There were quite a few times when his remarks to her had her in tears and he was behaving more like an unpleasant brother on an almost daily basis rather than a father. Or at least that's what it felt like to me and it got to the point where I was seriously considering asking him to leave or leaving with DD myself.
His untreated illness came to a crisis point and it became very obvious that he needed urgent hospitalisation, I had to actually tell him to go to an and e right now.
He did go and was admitted, all good or so I thought, perhaps not so nice in hospital but definitely where he needed to be at that time.
In the meantime I was still in pain with a semi restricted lifestyle- no driving longer than twenty mins, not really able to lift much etc and also quite fatigued a lot of the time.
DH has family nearby so while he was in hospital they did quite a bit of visiting and taking stuff in for him alll good and helpful or so I thought, as I myself was busy with DD and also had limited mobility due to my own illness.
Ten days or so after being admitted DH called to say that he was being released from hospital. I was concerned as it was my belief that he would come home while I was still too ill to put up with his behaviour.
While he was in hospital it had been very calm at home. I said to him that if he had to come home then obviously he had to, but that in my opinion he would be better to stay in until his operation (scheduled for around ten days time) if possible- as he was actually still very ill.
We left it at that and tbh I fully expected him to turn up at home which I did not look forward to but would have accepted of course as this is his home.
Anyway, next thing I hear he has been whisked away from hospital to his sisters house.
Frankly on hearing this I was relieved, they have a lovely and much bigger house than ours in a much quieter location- I thought it would be very good for him to be there.
In the meantime at home my lovely DD preps and packs and sets off for Uni. My DH was supposed to be driving her stuff there but obviously he can't so he asks his sister to fill in for him as I still can't drive that far or really lift anything.
Again, how helpful I thought. DD goes off to Uni with just me and SIL helping set her new place up. It was emotional but felt very calm after such a turbulent year and DH not being there to help (pick) on her.
Fast forward and DH has his operation which is thankfully successful and he starts to recover, still at SIL house. He eventually comes home and we tentatively begin to pick up the pieces.
All going slowly but fairly well until I receive a text from his DN, basically accusing me of abusing him, and saying that it was reported to her by family members that I had put him at risk of serious harm.
I showed the message to DH who immediately turned round and said she was lying and denied having said anything to her.
I didn't think she was lying- or not completely, not to go into too much detail but it eventually comes about that he says he 'might' have allowed her to think along those lines and that also other members of his family have been led to believe that too.
I asked him to speak to them
all together, which he did, on a group chat about it and they all denied having 'reported' any such thing to DN.
However his family has form for scapegoating some family members (it's a big family)
so I'm skeptical about that. Especially as it now appears to me they are now trying to scapegoat DN! Basically implying she's making this up.
So here I am, I'm so hurt by these accusations but DH seems to want me to 'get over it'. Additionally I'm incredibly angry- with DH, and with his family. I've always had an okay relationship with them I thought- until now obviously.
Previously to this last year I thought I had a happy, loving marriage- I was happy and my husband says he was too.
I thought it was just the illness that caused his bad behaviour and was willing to try move on from it but now I feel he has betrayed me and i feel like a fool.
I'd like to move on from this but not sure that I can.
Thanks for reading!