Life has been destroyed by abusive ex, how can I move forward

[Luna2000]

I don't really know where to turn, I have been given details of lots of official organisations for help and am working my way through but I just don't see any way forward for me and my children at the moment.
It's hard to write everything here to give a full back story, but basically I was with my partner for 18 years since I was 17 and suffered constant physical, emotional, mental and financial abuse throughout the time. I so wish that I had been brave enough to leave earlier, but unfortunately it has taken my world crashing down around me to finally make me make that move.
In the past month I have been declared bankrupt, found out I will evicted from our home and will lose my car to the finance company.
I currently work 2 jobs and am just in the process of taking on a 3rd over Christmas to try and increase my income to the absolute maximum.
I have 2 children 10 and 14, who are my only reason for living at the moment.
The biggest problem I have is somewhere to live, due to my credit history now, I cannot find a landlord who is willing to rent to me.
The financial problems have come from my partner fraudulently taking out loans etc in my name and not making payments, his ability to hide this from me has been incredible, and ultimately it was not until my bank account was instantly shut that I realised I had been made bankrupt due to an unpaid high value loan. There has a very complex financial situation that has evolved over the years that has ultimately led to this. I will be able to look at taking legal action, however that is going to be a long road and expensive.
I can't get a new car due to finance, so will be left totally immobile until I can at least save up for something.
At the moment I am totally alienated from my family and they have cut all ties with me and I have only 2 friends who I speak to, but they are unable to help me financially at all.
I just honestly do not see a path forward, and I just feel so guilty that my children are having to face this at their age. I am supposed to have provided them with security and protection and I feel like I have completely let them down.
I see so many people going out there as single mums and still giving their children amazing lives and security and I just feel absolutely pathetic that I can't do this.

Where are you living now Op?

Oh I see.

I'm sure more knowledgeable people will give more advice soon.

I'm assuming you've applied to your local housing association.

As for your guilt. Children are resilient.

So stop berating yourself.

The food bank in my area have debt Counsellors.

You might get help there. X

Have you reported any of this to the police?
Your ex fraudulently taking out loans in your name - the police can do a report and work with you and equifax & other credit bureaus to wipe off everything on your credit report that was fraud so you will have good credit again.

Reporting the DV- the police and social services will help you find housing and pursue a non molestation order. This is the hardest part…post leaving.

I would reach out and contact family. They likely left a door open and decided they would wait for you to reach out to them.

I see so many people going out there as single mums and still giving their children amazing lives and security and I just feel absolutely pathetic that I can't do this.

It is early days. It takes time to get your feet under you. Have you contacted women’s aid?

This is awful for you. There are organisations out there to help. The council have a duty of care to provide you with accommodation. Probably a homeless unit but you'll be safe. The kids schools can put you intouch with charities that will help with Christmas. Get the police involved get your ex charged with fraud over all the stuff he's taken in your name. Things will get better. Try and reach out to family. Worst case they will say no. Good luck x

Yes I have started the process with the police to see what can be done, but it is going to be a bit of a long road and unfortunately as my credit file stands I am absolutely untouchable for anything.
I think my first instinct is always just survival, I have lived like that for so long now, I think I do need to look at involving police with the DV aspect and perhaps social services, the thought of that terrifies me to be honest.
I only have 1 sister in my immediate family and at the moment she isn't willing to speak to me, she cut off contact with the family for her own reasons a number of years ago. I did reach out to a cousin for help but they pretty much turned me down.
The biggest thing for me at the moment is that I can't see how I will ever get a house when my credit is so bad, how would this work, even through the local authority or a housing association?

The biggest thing for me at the moment is that I can't see how I will ever get a house when my credit is so bad, how would this work, even through the local authority or a housing association?

Well two things really. Police report on the fraud you give to whoever is running the credit check and the police should have asked the credit bureaus (equifax etc) to flag your credit report stating you are a victim of identity theft and fraud. This tells the people running the credit check that it is not a reliable credit report and also the police adding the flag means that companies should do extra identity verification before issuing any new credit or loans in your name.

AI is saying you can do much of this yourself with an Action Fraud reference number :

To flag your credit file as a fraud victim in the UK, you should register for Cifas Protective Registration and place a Notice of Correction on your credit reports. These actions place a warning flag on your file, forcing lenders to carry out extra security checks before opening any new accounts in your name.

Take these steps immediately to secure your credit profile:

1. Apply for Cifas Protective Registration

Cifas is the UK’s leading fraud prevention service.

• What it does: It places a "flag" on the National Fraud Database. When a lender looks at your credit file, the flag tells them you are a victim of fraud, prompting them to manually verify your identity before approving any application.
• Cost & Duration: It costs £30 and lasts for 2 years. 1]
• Impact on Credit: It does not harm your credit score. It may simply slow down legitimate applications slightly because of the extra verification steps. 1, 2]
• How to apply: Register directly online at the official Cifas Protective Registration Page. 1]

1. Add a Notice of Correction (NoC) to the Credit Reference Agencies

You can place a free password or short statement on your credit files held by the three main UK credit agencies. Lenders will be required to check this password with you before processing credit applications. You must do this individually with each agency: 1, 2]

• Experian: Raise a dispute and add a password via the Experian Fraud Support Portal.
• Equifax: Request a password/notice through the Equifax Online Help Centre.
• TransUnion: Set up account protections using the TransUnion Fraud Resource Centre. 1, 2]

1. Report the Incident and Get a Reference Number

• Report to Action Fraud: You must report the identity theft to Action Fraud (the UK’s national fraud reporting center) or call them on 0300 123 2040. 1, 2]
• Get a Crime Reference Number: They will issue a police/crime reference number. You will need to provide this number to your bank, lenders, and credit agencies to remove any fraudulent debts or searches recorded against you. 1, 2, 3]

1. Remove Fraudulent Items from Your Report

Get your statutory credit reports for free from all three agencies to check for unauthorized entries. If you spot searches, loans, or phone contracts you didn't apply for, contact the lender directly, quote your Action Fraud reference number, and instruct them to wipe the data. 1, 2, 3]

First things first - housing.

Where are you currently living and why don't you just stay there?

She is being evicted.

OP- council, housing office might help with the eviction if you can afford the rent?

Thank you so much @LiberteLynx for taking the time to reply with such useful information, I have started with some of these steps, but not others, so will make sure to do it. I have been warned though that I could face quite a lengthy battle to get everything in place.
I'm sorry I just keep flitting from trying to do all the practicalities to then just feeling absolutely hopeless, there is just so much to process at the moment.
I am absolutely terrified of being left without my car as well as this will leave me unable to work at all.

Agree with other posters about the police and perusing that as best as you can. There are plenty of good police folk but not all of them are so maybe try to get MP support too to keep the pressure on.

I think your best option is that over time he gets prosecuted for fraud so that you can rebuild your financial profile if his convictions show his exploitation of you.

You are at rock bottom as you’ve said but life is long.

There is a way back from this but it will take time. Take one step at a time.

It is alot to do. No need to apologise.
I don’t know what you can do about transport with no car.
Ask coworkers for a lift? Check bus schedules? Have Ocado deliver the food shop?

The children can walk to school or if not ask other school parents. The school might have a hardship bursary if the children must take a bus.

Why are you estranged from your family?
Is it because you stayed with him despite many years of him abusing you?
Were they trying to help you ever?

It sounds very stressful.

I'd just like to reassure you that although your kids are in for a bit of a ride housing etc wise, they will be proud of you for leaving this abusive relationship and they will especially as they get older appreciate how difficult it is and how strong you have been to get out. You've set a good example now. So you should be proud of yourself for this also.

This was me! Got pregnant at 18, in the 60s,you got married. I married Jeckle and Hyde. Everything you describe. I did go to a battered wives place once,omg it was awful. The ladies said "go home you don't belong here". Police in the 1970s didn't take any domestic abuse seriously. " you go home,im sure your h is sorry". I did go back to my late parents for a while, but had just landed a really good job in London. So returned to (ex)H .He was tea total,go very drunk one night told me he was gay I was the naice respectable front for his middle class family. (They had nothing to do with us) That was a whole new level! He lost his businesses,was in depth,behind with the mortgage and vehicles onloan.pretended to go to work.Tried to kill me (poison) my lovely dm had just died. I did my nursing training in 1972,she was actually in the hospital where I worked. Following year,I asked F remarried. I asked for help. Late F said he hoped i wasn't going to get divorced and cause a scandal, he didn't want his wife upset! Only child no one else to turn to. I asked if he would have preferred to be going to my funeral,and put the phone down on him. House, car repossessed. CCJ, for me.He cleared what was left in the bank account, did a runner after court apperences. I hadn't made myself intentionally homeless,originally I was told I would be going into bed and breakfast 30 miles away,in the 80s you weren't allowed to stay after 9 am,was told 2 is would have to move to a local school. (Oldest had living in job) Then my local authority gave me an old 2 bed house that was due for demolition. Discovered ex h was renting in the next road. HO laughed when I told him! I had very low moments. Put older ds through therapy,thank God. About 16 months later,I was given social housing. The benefits office,then you queued,everyone behind you could hear all your personal details.Ex H tried to get the kids taken away,saying I was an unfit mother. The lovely police had plenty of documentation regarding his treatment of me. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of giving up/breaking down. I kept our dog and cat. The job centre were nasty about that! It was vital for our sanity..i went without food (it wasn't called the "breadline" for nothing. Toast for 3 meals. DS got free school meals. I got through. In the 90s,married someone i worked with. Kids adored him. The rest as they say, is history.

@Nannyfannybanny
Wow. You are a true survivor.

The council may well be obliged to rehouse you. I am a domestic abuse victim and my council accepted my claim and said they were legally obliged to rehouse me within 56’days. This was in 2023. Shelter can I advise you - they have an emergency helpline for domestic abuse victims (and others). They helped me.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help

Have you got an appointment with your local council Housing? Surely they will be able to help.

Thank you for your reply and apologies I hadn't been able to get online properly over the weekend.
Can I just ask how this worked out for you? Obviously the main concern is the children and my safety and security, but I am sorry I have no experience as previously just rented privately, so how does it work with rehousing you? I am so scared of absolutely ruining the kids lives, taking them away from friends and living near school etc. It's such a confusing time, so many emotions going on.
Part of me would just like to get as far away as possible, but the kids are so settled at school and with their friends, I don't want to take all of that away from them at such a difficult time.

Thank you, this does give me hope that there is a light on the other side! Glad you got through it all and are now having the happy life you deserve. x