Currently not happy in relationship

[Leanne1233]

I don’t know what to do. We have a 4 month old child, I recently found out he had been trying to message other women behind my back after checking because he was super shady with his phone. Since this he carries on brong secretive with his phone (he claims he isn’t) carrying it everywhere and always putting it face down. Feeling really anxious atm we also have a 4 month year old baby and I’m scared of separating in case she has to go and stay with him overnight and over Christmas etc.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
With a young baby, you really don't want to separate from him because yes he would get the child some of the time even from quite young (only whilst you are actually breastfeeding they wouldn't make the baby be separate from you). It's not outcome you want for your family.

He also is invested in this relationship and likely loves you. Becoming a father might have impacted him or brought up feelings from him, has he mentioned anything?

Communication is key, and you might need help around that. There are charities who offer free or low cost marriage/couples counselling.

Talk to him, work on this with him. Relationships go through ups and downs.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
With a young baby, you really don't want to separate from him because yes he would likely get the child some of the time even from quite young (only whilst you are actually breastfeeding does the baby stay with the mum full time, unless he actively doesn't want to have the child ever). It's also not outcome you want for your family if it can be helped.

He also is invested in this relationship and likely loves you. Becoming a father might have impacted him or brought up feelings from him, has he mentioned anything?

Communication is key, and you might need help around that. There are charities who offer free or low cost marriage/couples counselling.

Talk to him, work on this with him. Relationships go through ups and downs.

When you say message do you mean friendly or flirty? If it's just friendly there nothing wrong with that, if it's flirty I would absolutely not tolerate that. You've just carried his child for 9 months and gave birth and this is the disrespect he shows you? He's disgusting. I suggest he goes to individual counselling to figure out why he's such a scumbag.
The previous poster mentioned that he loves you and is invested in the relationship. Be honest with yourself, if he was in love with you he wouldn't be messaging other girls would he? He doesn't love you, people who love you don't cheat on you. And if he was invested in his relationship he would be spending his evenings running you a bath, helping with baby, giving you back rubs not messaging other woman.
He's making you a laughing stock and you also don't know how many people know that he's doing this. Is it just the women he's messaging or do all his friends know too? He's making you a laughing stock. Those other woman will be laughing at you behind your back knowing they could have your man anytime they want with one simple txt to meet up while you're at home looking after his child. Is that the life you want? Is that the life you want to teach your child is acceptable?
Relationships might go through ups and down but there is NEVER an excuse for cheating.
Raise your bar, raise your standards. Never tolerate cheating. You are worth so much more than a man who doesn't love you ❤️

No the messages were more than friendly telling her how nice she looked and how “unreal” she was. Just worried if we seperate he will have my baby overnight etc. Thank you for your response it is really helpful.

Telling a female friend she looks nice is absolutely fine but in what context is he calling her "unreal"? It could be innocent (female friend with low self esteem and he's trying to give her a little confidence boost for example, I would say the same to my female friends) but the "unreal" comment is a bit strange and would make me pay a little more attention. The hiding the phone thing is a bit of a red flag as well. Maybe he doesn't realise he's doing it. Could you bring it up to him not in a confrontational way but just a curious question way? If he has female friends he may just be picking up in how they talk to each other (I call my friends hot all the time) and not realise that it's a little different when it comes from a man.
Have a calm chat with him and talk things through

So he’s been texting another woman and when you found out he has continued being sneaky and underhand rather than reassure the mother of his young child. Sweetheart you need to get away from him.

Do you honestly think he is that invested in having access to the baby because it sounds to me as if he’s just a huge man child and it would all be too much. As far as I’m aware if you are breastfeeding or if the baby is young contact is built up very slowly and there are other options like coparenting where he visits baby in the primary home. But I’m not an expert and you need to seek some legal advice.

I know from experience that fear of the unknown leads tp anxiety and panic so please take care of yourself and seek some proper legal advice.

Huge huge hug, I know how being frozen in an unsafe relationship feels!

Also not to sound bitchy but is he a good dad? Some Dad's do the absolute minimum and only want one overnight every other weekend so you wouldn't be away from your child very much anyway

Are you breastfeeding?

Thank you. It was not a female friend it’s a random woman online he is complimenting and sending 🔥 to. I will thank you for your response

Thank you for your response. I know when confronted he basically gave me stupid excuses that he was doing it to impress his friends and that one message was his friend on his phone because they had a thing lol. I’m going to seek some legal advice re the baby as she is my main concern and then take things from there

Yes he is a good dad cannot fault him
i know he will want her to stay at his etc however if we were to split he would be living two hours away at his parents house which really isn’t ideal.

No she is bottle fed