Realisation that husband's behaviour is emotionally abusive

[Rolo22]

I've come to realise in the last few months that my husband's behaviour is emotionally abusive. It's a hard reality to come to terms with. The key behaviours are:

• stonewalling (I think it counts as this) - he will not respond and will withdraw when I bring up a topic he doesn't like (there are a good number of topics that I now can't bring up, including sharing how I feel). This will be to the extent of lying in bed all day, sometimes for days, leaving me to parent our toddler, manage the housework and look after the dog alone. Then he will suddenly come out of that and behave like nothing has happened. No acknowledgement of his behaviour or how it's affected me (I've told him plenty of times, I've given up bothering now), no apology.
• if I share that I am struggling or feeling depressed/stressed/overwhelmed, he will turn it around to make it all about him. My problem is push aside and never addressed. I have to try to manage his feelings and 'look after' him instead.
• I feel that he has manipulated me a number of time by using poor mental health to scare me into giving him attention. For example, I have left work to go home to him due to weird texts and him not answering my calls, but when I got home he was fine.

I'm so exhausted by it all. It's become so frequent now. There's not been a good period that's lasted more than two weeks in the last six months. Now even 'good' isn't good. We barely talk. He now shows very little interest in me, even not interested in the fact I'm signed off work with stress because of him (he knows it's only him that can be causing me stress).

I've been in contact with a support service for domestic abuse and I hoped they would give me helpful advice on how to leave, but what I got from it was that it's very hard to leave and that's why many stay. We are both on the mortgage, so I can't get him to leave (he has refused when I've asked him). I feel so disheartened and stressed at this unknown in front of me. Not only is it unclear what life will look like once I leave him, but it's so uncertain as to how I can even leave in the first place.

Any advice from anyone who has been in this position and managed to leave would be greatly appreciated!

Dear @Rolo22 I am sorry you are going through this. Did you contact women’s aid or another organisation? I would try and contact women’s aid or refuge again. You are doing the right thing by trying to leave safely and make a plan to leave. Do you have children or is it just you? And all the behaviours you are listed are those of an abusive narcissist as I’ve been there and got the t shirt. Sounds like he has worn you down.

I am reposting to signpost you to a few organisations and professional that can help you:

• your Gp, they can document your abuse and help in many ways,
• TSB - they have a fund for women suffering from domestic abuse should you need to leave and are worried about fund
• the national abuse helpline

in the meantime it’s good to post on here and get support, have a listening ear and feel less alone. Sending you a big handhold x

https://www.tsb.co.uk/help-and-support/supporting-you-domestic-or-financial-abuse.html

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/domestic-abuse-victims-given-fresh-support-to-escape-abuse

No 1 my ex was like that. Not lying in bed, he would go about his normal routine and speak to other people in the house, just not me. Once it went on for 6wks. Then whenever he decided it was over, he would act like nothing happened.

I left him.

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP.

he sounds very similar to my ex. As pp has said, he sounds like a massive narcissist.

the best thing I did was speak to my GP. She got me referred to DA charity who helped me understand what was happening.

i would also say that the sooner you get out of this relationship the better. He is grinding you down.

im sorry to say this, but he will not make this easy. I would ask for local recommendations for a good solicitor and talk about a plan to get out of this marriage.

it was the mediator who persuaded my ex to leave the home- he’d still be here 15 years later given half a chance! I would be careful with mediation though if he’s abusive ( which he is!). It isn’t often recommended in abuse cases. You need to get a very experienced mediator- preferably also a lawyer- who is used to dealing with this kind of creep and who can avoid you or them being manipulated by his behaviour.

rather than brute force, you need to trick him into leaving the family home.

collect everything you can about his finances. He will try to hide things.

Thanks for the replies, especially @AnonAnonmystery for all the info you've shared. I have gone to my GP and she referred me to the local domestic abuse service. They will be offering three support sessions on top of the session I just had about how to leave. I'll look into the other options too though. I realise that the next step is to speak to a solicitor but that feels scary and too real. I think I need to find a friend who will be able to come with me.

The thing about my husband is that he is depressed. I sometimes feel that I'm being unkind in wanting to leave if it's the depression that's making him behave this way. But then surely even if you're depressed, you should be able to at some point acknowledge how your behaviour impacts others and apologise for it?? That's what's made me put up with this for so long. I'm seeing it all as more manipulative now, but I'm not sure if that's entirely fair. It's confusing. We have a two year old son and that is also what has held me back from choosing to leave. I feel immensely sad that the family life I thought we'd have won't happen. I'm sad that my son will now be an only child to a broken family.

Stonewalling is definitely on the list of coercive and controlling behaviours. You poor thing! Xx

Depression does not make someone abusive. They are separate things.

And it’s better for your child to have a happy, healthy mother who is divorced rather than a mother who is broken and stressed while still married.

i understand that you had hopes and dreams for your son’s life and that these are now having to change, but you are important too, and you deserve to live a life free of abuse and stress.

But depression can make you withdraw can't it. I don't know if all his behaviour is intentional. Does that change things? If it's not intentional is it really still abuse? This is what messes with my mind. That and when he acts normal again.

unless he has serious learning difficulties he knows he’s hurting you because you have told him.

How does the thought of him being your life partner for the rest of your life make you feel?

how would he respond if you said ‘I recognise we have to live together for now but our marriage is over’

You are in an abusive marriage and as a result the marriage needs to end. It is better to be from
a so called broken home than to remain in one. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

His behaviour towards you is all intentional. He will destroy both yours and your child’s life if you remain with him. Many abusive men use depression as an excuse to or for their abuse. It’s an insult to those who really do suffer with depression.

He shows you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

But he’s not just withdrawing. He’s being horrible to you too.

To be honest I am sick and tired of the constant excuses. I do tend to question if I'm doing anything to make this situation how it is though. I don't think I am but I know he thinks so. I know I need to leave him it's just the how to do that is overwhelming. How long does it usually take to do this? The idea of a long drawn out process (which I'm imaging) whilst still living with him, working and trying to be a good mum is overwhelming.

No it’s not you, it’s him. He is the one abusing you here. This is all on him.

I would urge you to contact Womens aid and plan your exit with due care.

It’s so much better for your son that you are leaving. And much easier for him that you’re doing it whilst he’s still young - partly because he will find the separation earlier but also because he won’t grow up watching his mum be abused and - in time - getting the same treatment himself, in his own home. You’re doing the right thing.

It is a relief to read you’re not pregnant. Please don’t have a second child with him even if this latest situation is swept under the carpet and you plough on.

I know that's true, but I desperately wanted to have another child 😔 I have accepted as much as I can that I won't be having another now but it still hurts.

@Rolo22 you are welcome 💕 I am glad you have started taking some action to leave. I cannot stress enough that you need to be ready to leave. It’s standard for women to leave their abusers about 7 times and return and the abuse gets worse each times. You are already feeling sorry for him by blaming some of his actions on depression. Once you get clarity and make no more excuses for him you will be in the right headspace to leave or get him to leave. I went back 4 times, it did get worse every time. I am happy for you to ask me anything, if it will help. I’m glad you are getting support here and in real life. Xx

Ending it and getting divorced is hard. It will take huge amounts of strength and resilience.
But the alternative of not getting divorced is worse.

Once you have decided, get help, take it one step at a time, and eventually your life will be so much better once you are out the other side.