What to do?

[janedoet]

Been in a relationship for nearly 2 years now and it’s been amazing, we now live together and are trying for a baby, we both have similar interests ie travel music and both have high sex drives but I’ve recently found out some things about my partners past that I simply can’t get out my thoughts and it’s driving me insane, found out they had an app on their phone called KK friends which is used for friends with benefits meets (this app was no longer on the phone when I found out about)

I also received a message on Facebook messenger from a dummy account telling me about random meet ups for sex with a person that they met through line of work, which went on a couple of times a year for 2 years, I believe they was also in a relationship at the time too, I think this was sent from a jealous friend

i have tried to speak about this on numerous occasions and it’s been totally dismissed nor has it been denied which is making me think that maybe some truth in this

i work away alot which gives me huge concern as to what’s going on when I’m away if this past is true and the fact it won’t be discussed is not helping at all

Seems sensible to put your trying to conceive on hold OP for the time being. If you are having worries and doubts about him it wouldn't be right to bring a baby into the mix right now.
And if he won't discuss things with you and reassure you then I think it doesn't bode well for a happy relationship going forward

Thanks, I’m just so torn what to do

If he’s not willing to have an open conversation with you about anything even vaguely “difficult”, that would be a dealbreaker for me. You don’t trust him. Quite possibly with good reason. Yet he just dismisses you and/or denies it.

Do NOT have a baby with this man! You’d be better off getting rid of him full stop. Communication and trust are fundamental to a good relationship. You have neither.

Thanks I appreciate you

You need to slow down.

Moving in together after two years is one thing (as long as you’re not forcing any kids to do it) but trying for a baby this soon is quite another.

You don’t know him as this thread proves.

For me the fact he won't discuss it would be a big problem. How's that going to work when you've got a problem in the future ? Does he always shirt away from problems?
Having music and travel in common doesn't really make you soul mates, lots of people would list those interests. You've both got high sex drives, he's used these apps in the past so is/was interested in no strings sex. He won't discuss it with you.

Not sure if he's denying it as your sentence about this has a typo I think ("it’s been totally dismissed nor has it been denied" )

Has he said he's changed, he's out grown this behaviour, he wants a committed relationship etc. I couldn't trust someone in that situation unless, and then only possibly, they looked me in the eyes and were convincing and seemingly sincere. Even then I don't know. I think would end it, I've been cheated on in the past and lying was a bit part of that. I don't think you're getting the truth from him

If it was a friend telling you all this about their partner what would you tell them to do?
Doesn't sound like the foundation for happiness to me..

Good advice above re not trying for a baby right now.

Sorry to read you're in this situation, it must be in your head constantly.

Thanks for your comment I really appreciate it, sorry it is a typo, what I meant was every time I try bring it up the conversation is totally dismissed and that’s end of conversation, we haven’t got to the stage of saying that she’s changed because it won’t be discussed, she is just unsure of how that app ended up on her phone

Oh I see, sorry I assumed we're talking about a man, not that it makes any difference.
Sounds like she's bullshiting you to me. Saying she doesn't know how it got on her phone, come on, if you were innocent you'd vehemently deny it wouldn't you, and talk about it, I bloody would anyway.
What's their line of work now, is it the same, is it likely to lead to potentially more of the same situations?

Oh I see, sorry I assumed we're talking about a man

Which was clearly deliberate on the OP’s part, given this is a massively female dominated website, and they made sure they left the sex out of the opening post.

I wondered that too, not sure if it makes much difference to my opinion of what they should do though, does it change your opinion?

No it doesn’t.

It just makes me suspicious because why bother.

Unless it leads to some questions about friends with benefits etc.

Yeah thanks for understanding, she just says anything that happened before us is irrelevant and none of my business, it was an additional job she had at weekends a few years ago in a nightclub, her friend was the manager of the club got her some weekend work, her friend is well known with the guys in our area and that’s what’s now scaring me to think that my partner may have been the same, she met a DJ that came up to play 2-3 times a year for a few years and it continued after she left the club, the DJ came up twice the last year for the first time in a while and her friend asked her to go out to meet them for drinks but she didn’t go on either occasion, I didn’t know about anything at that point though, she’s away to start a new venture soon doing something I’m not entirely comfortable with her doing but it’s her dream apparently so I won’t stop her

Well you couldn't stop her. She's away doing some venture you're not comfortable with and you're trying for a baby? That's crazy.
That's kind of fair enough she says it's not your business. However if you don't trust her or think she's lied to you then that's reasons to consider are you really a match etc.

Nothing suspicious, just looking for opinions from a females perspective

It happened before you got together and she'd already deleted the app, and she has shown no further signs of interest in the person. So it's none of your business.

The fact she won't discuss it is not a good sign for the relationship. But nor is the fact that you're questioning her repeatedly about something that's not your business, that you know what apps have been deleted from her phone (how do you know that?), or that you've taken the word of an anonymous stranger.

She accidentally shared her offloaded apps with me

Does she want a baby OP? Or is this a way of “capturing” someone. Because high sex drives dwindle sometimes after a baby.. as do interests in travel. Are you sure you’ve actually thought all this through and not just going for what you think keeps people togy