Success of couples counselling?

[Onthevergenow]

He had an affair, we are on about week 5 of couples counselling, it’s getting worse not better!

Just wondered if anyone wished to share successes or otherwise of couples counselling?

How is it getting worse? What's happening in counselling?

It could be that the counsellor is rubbish, or it could be that one or both of you isn't able to hear the other above the noise of your own hurt.

Is the counsellor remaining neutral, and do they give you both space to speak? Are you and your partner both listening to the other?

ExH and I both saw couples counselling as a way to help us both learn to listen, empathise and communicate better, and to learn to address things we didn't previously have the skills or courage to address. We were both willing to leave defensiveness at the door.

Ultimately, we divorced, but we both still consider the counselling a success. 12 years on we have a great co-parenting relationship, which may not have been possible without the experience of the therapy room.

I really like your post!

OP sometimes it can be worth doing some individual sessions within the joint work especially at this early stage. It is brave and challenging work which requires real commitment by both parties. There needs to be a genuine meeting in the middle.

I think you have to decide what you want to gain from it and know if you both have a shared goal to work towards. It may be a helpful way initially to hear each others views on your relationship and what got you to this point but healing your relationship and making a better marriage may not be achievable at this point. You have a huge thing to get your head round probably before deciding that your marriage is salvageable. You are probably going through something similar to the grief process and your feelings will change almost daily

I found out about my DH's infidelity over a year ago, it wasn't an affair, I still can't decide whether to stay or leave. I am probably more bereft and sad now than I was a year ago as I have had time to reflect and process the shock
I had some individual counselling initially but my DH was keen for couples sessions so we had about 6 or 7 before I couldn't do any more. I found listening to all the reasons for why he did what he did and that it was down to his issues managing his emotions too much to listen to, as all the issues he claimed to struggle with, always have a negative impact on me, not him
Unfortunately this situation is mental torture and you have been put in a position by him thats very cruel. I am struggling with these feelings and the fact he has changed my future, whether I stay or go, without me having any say.

I have been having individual counselling for over a year, it has made me realise my worth and realise I was not being unreasonable through our relationship as his narrative always was, only talking to an outsider can help you get perspective. He could also have individual sessions but he has to go at your pace

Be kind to yourself and put yourself first

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this
I found out in August and the up and down is absolute awful rollercoaster

i wish I was brave enough to just end it. I am fortunate that we do not live together so it should be easier to split, but I’m really struggling

Well, if you would like to end it, set that as your goal for the couples counselling? Sometimes that’s what ‘success’ in couples counselling looks like. A friend did it after an affair, them both having agreed on the goal being the best possible end to their marriage, with anger and resentment expressed, questions answered it etc.

Sometimes the right outcome is that you decide to split, and the counselling helps you see that (and sometimes do it more amicably than you might otherwise).

Not sure if it’s heading that way, and that’s what you mean by “getting worse”!

You say you don't live together .
If it were me , then I think I would be seriously be deciding what I get out of the relationship as it is currently .
You are obviously quite an independent person and have your own home as your sanctuary .
I know ( for me ) having to give up on the lifestyle I currently had in regard to the roof over my head , my ( shared ) possessions , the input and love I'd put into my home and starting it all over again would have an impact on whether I was willing to forgive and move on .
It doesn't sound like that is an issue you have so what is really , really keeping you together ?