Autistic man not getting the message

[BeMintFatball]

My daughter is 24 has learning disability and poor mental health. She has been very anxious and depressed for the last 11 months. This bout of mental health has cost her the relationship she had with her boyfriend of 2 years. She is missing him immensely.

Her peer group is made up of other ND people with learning disability and difficulties.

A young man who is 7 and a half years older than her is very keen and not getting the message she is not interested. Her POV he’s too old for her and even if he was younger she wouldn’t be interested.

It’s making her even more anxious. As she is not handling this well , do I get involved ?

Have you suggested that she say what you have here - “you’re too old, and I am not interested in you”?

Tell her to text him and be very clear:
"I am not interested in having any kind of relationship with you. Please leave me alone or I will have to file a complaint for harassment."

First thing to do is to help her to write a very clear message to him saying she is not interested in him romantically and he is upsetting her and he needs to stop and to leave her alone.

Is the social group managed by anyone? NAS, or local groups? If so it would be good to get in touch with them and ask them to help as well.

Nothing is working.

She made a mistake initially. She told him she wasn’t ready to date as she wasn’t over the breakup with her previous boyfriend.
I think he heard I will go on a date but not right now. He has been pressuring her to meet him. She panicked when she realised how old he is. He is basically the same age as her older sisters boyfriend and it gave her the ick.

I’ve told her any ick is valid.

She has told him explicitly that she doesn’t want to date anyone as old as him. She blocked him for a few days but lifted the block as he is part of a larger friendship group.

He sent her a message just after midnight last night that he wants to talk it out with her. Which explains why we have had such a difficult day with her. Anxiety is sky high.

There are no support workers involved with this friendship group. They are just a group of intellectually disabled that have found their tribe

block?

She could block but the friends are meeting up tomorrow and he will be there. She’s dreading it.

She needs your support to spell it out bluntly.

No, I don't want to date you. Please stop asking .

Any follow up can just be no.

No need to tell him how he's making her feel as some sort of reason to allow her to be blunt, she owes no explanation.

Main chat group with friends
"Listen Johnnyboy. I have made it clear I'm not interested in dating you. I am not interested in 'talking it out with you'. No means no, not the start of a negotiation. You are starting to make me feel really uncomfortable and unhappy. I don't want it to affect friendship but I don't want to put myself in a situation where I am by myself either physically or in a WhatsApp right now. If it continues I will regard it as harassment"

It's important others in the group see what's happening in this situation, because he isn't taking the hint. Being explicit in front of others might piss him off, but it gets the message across because he isn't listening. Friends need to know what's happening here because they can help him as well as her - so it doesn't escalate further to a harassment situation which needs to be dealt with by the police.

It seems nuclear, but it's probably the best solution for all concerned.

“I do not want to talk about this with you. I have told you I don’t want to date you and that is all I have to say. Please stop contacting me about this. I expect you to respect my wishes. Continuing to contact me when I have asked you not to is harassment and I will need to block you if you don’t stop.”

Lots of good advice here

Help her to compose a message for the thread on what's app.

No means no.

Yep, this. As bold and simple as this.

She should send him a message ahead of time, telling him that he must back off completely and not even try to talk to her about it.

I agree with this one as well. Very clear and fairly blunt. I would also get her to tell another friend in the group about the situation if she hasn’t already. And talk through what to do or say if he approaches her in person

Put aside the fact he is autistic. What he is doing is unacceptable and harassment. One last message to say “I am not interested stop contacting me”, block again (regardless of the group dynamic) and report him to police if he then starts acting out in public.

She should make someone else in the friendship group aware of how she is feeling. I had a similar sort of situation when I was at college - this guy on my course got obsessed. Until I said to one of the group that I didn’t like it they assumed I did. They helped deal with it - he listened to them where he wouldn’t listen to me.

She told him she wasn’t ready to date as she wasn’t over the breakup with her previous boyfriend

The thing is most people know that this is a brush off dressed up nicely. Some men take it literally whether this is due to being ND or just because they're chancers. So i think the best thing to do is to tell him straight...you are too old for me. I do not want to date you so stop asking. If he accepts this then good, if not, then I would suggest blocking and if they happen to be in the same place at the same time giving him a wide berth

Thats true.

I am not ready to date anyone because...
Is not the same thing as I dont want to date you and people with autism are much more likely to be literal.

However, she has since told him very clearly that she doesnt want to date him. It's in the OPs update. He needs to be told now to leave her alone.

Op - does your daughter want you to step in and help her? If not, then she should talk to her friends and ask for their help in getting this man to back off.