Navigating ex's new partner – looking for advice, experiences and strategies

[HelpPleaseNow]

I'm looking for advice from those who have been in a similar situation, either those who are further down the road and can share what has worked, what hasn't, and what they wish they'd known earlier, or those going through it now.

I'm conscious that as my child gets older, they'll increasingly want their father's partner included in birthdays, school events, Christmases and other occasions. I don't want to spend the next however many years avoiding situations or feeling uncomfortable.

Equally, I don't want to force a friendship or become overly involved in my ex's new relationship.

Our co-parenting relationship isn't particularly close or easy, so I'm also trying to work out what a realistic and healthy arrangement looks like.

I'd particularly love to hear from people who have been in this situation and have found a way to make it work. Especially the emotional side of it, and how to stay grounded, calm and balanced, how not to compare, etc.

Thank you all.

It doesn’t have to look like happy families where everyone goes to everything, so perhaps you could go along with that possibility rather than forcing anything?

I’ve never met my husband’s ex and yet we all care about the DSC and they are happy and well-adjusted. DH and ex go to events, make the relevant decisions and are the DSC’s parents. I am a safe, friendly, loving adult when they’re at their dad’s. The two realities have yet to meet and I don’t see that changing any time soon. The DSC have never wanted it to, all is well and happy. It’s been 13 years.

I think the best approach is to try to put any hurt or bitterness to one side and focus on what’s best for your child. You don’t have to be best mates, but being polite and cordial with each other will make things much easier for everyone, especially your child. It might not be easy if cheating etc was involved, but I'm in the situation now and my kids are happy that we can both be in the same room as each other.... Even though I want to blank him 😂

I have experience from both sides.

My ex is in a relationship - unfortunately with his affair partner that ended our marriage. Things are very strained, even 8 years on. He and I don't really coparent as I do the majority although we now have a 19 year old at Uni and a 17 year old at college. His partner has never tried to parent the kids, both my children can't stand her and wont speak to her. I have only been face to face with her once in the past 8 years and I largely pretended she wasn't there. All very difficult and I would like to have had more involvement from ex, he is resistent to attending parent evenings, or both being around each other. She also doesnt like it if we are in contact so its hard.

I am also remarried to DH who has 2 children with his ex, he has 50/50 custody. I am respectful of the parents, they coparent reasonably well although do have different styles which can cause some issues which i keep well out of. I get on well with his ex and are both friendly to each other, i do go to parties and hobby events etc but never parents eve or medical appointments so a good relationship makes this much easier. We both try to include each other where we can - she has invited me to hers for a cuppa and cake on birthdays and I do the same. As a result the kids seem to be very happy with dynamics and well adjusted between the houses.

In summary, if you can find a way to keep things polite and civil it makes things much easier for the children and less stressful for you. A lot of this comes from them as well though. Would a meeting with her help? I met with my DHs ex prior to me meeting the kids, we went for coffee and introduced ourselves which meant that when i was next around her with the kids it wasnt an awkward meeting.

I am also on both sides.

I was just always friendly and open minded about my DC step mum. I think she’s a nice lady to my children and it must be hard for her to try to fit in. Doesn’t bother me if she comes to events, she’s trying to fit in and support her partner, why not. She’s not trying to take my place. I’d say we are friends now I like her.

However my DP’s ex is very threatened by me. I wasn’t an affair partner she’s just making her own life harder for what seems like no worthwhile reason no one benefits from but I am not going to spend time analysing it. All it does is make my DP closer to me and their co parenting much harder. I try not to over step the mark, I’m just nice to the kids but I also don’t hide. I just smile but I don’t get into 1:1 conversations with her and probably would keep a wide berth sadly.

Life is too short and complicated to waste energy on hate, bitterness or trying to prove a point or make people see things your way. I suppose you need to learn to detach.

My ex gets something from his new wife he didn’t get from me, and my partner gets something from me he didn’t get from his ex and vice versa for me - which is just the simple version of why some relationships work and some don’t. We just all weren’t right for each other at that time, it’s not something wrong with any of us as people, I’m not better or worse than other women, and my DP isn’t better than my ex, we are just different and have different personalities.

Comparison is the thief of joy

Thank you all so much for your perspectives. It is good to hear a variety of different views.

Detachment is a good idea. How does one detach, practically? I am not quite there, I must admit. Maybe it is early days and it gets better?

Do you think it is because I am still single that I feel a bit threatened? But I am not ready to date yet. I am focusing on just me being a good mum and growing a support network and career at the moment, as well as friendships.

It's really nice that you are reaching out like this. I have a lot of respect for you.
I'm on the other side of this, being the new (ish) partner. His ex has only known about us for a couple of months, and is having trouble with seeing me at the kids' events. I am very careful to smile and say hello, then give her space, particularly if she brought the kids or if she wants to talk to her ex. It must be bloody difficult for her.

The kids are teens and find it odd. I find it awkward. My partner finds it awkward! It would be easier to just not go, however I feel that showing up for the kids, to support them and normalising seeing 'Dad and Razzb' occasionally in the same space as Mum is probably healthy.

You don't have to be friends with her. It's absolutely not a competition. Probably worth having a straightforward conversation with her somewhere neutral though - you can ask any questions, and so can she.

Good luck.

So I seperated from dd's dad in early 2018. Moved out end of 2018.

Marri3d dh in 2024. Exdp struggled when I first started dating. Made life very difficult with a now ex. Was a 2 year thing, ex was super protective of my dd having lost his own child and her mum in a car accident when she was a baby. Exdp was a prock about contact, deliberately combative etc. It was a disaster.

However, when I met dh it was a completely scenario. Exdp and I were further down our coparenting journey. Dd was older etc. We had rebuilt our friendship and were managing much better. As such dh was told from day 1 that we come as a package and he either accepted that ex and his older kids (my dsc) come as part of the package or we wouldn't continue dating.

Dh and exdp get on famously. The kids love it. We have all big family celebrations together, exdp was at our wedding etc.

We are absolutely the proverbial 4 leaf clover. And it doesn't work for everyone. But everyone knowing and respecting their place helps. So whilst your ex's partner is part of your child's life, they are not a parent and not involved in parenting decisions. But that doesn't mean they can't raise their opinion and be part of a broader discussion.

Ultimately you need to not think about it in terms of you or him & her. You need to keep the focus on what is best for any kids involved

I think it works best when people treat it almost like a professional relationship. You know how we all have customers or colleagues we'd prefer not to but there's a job that needs doing and we're going to do it well regardless.

Yes detaching is just not focusing on what he’s getting from her he doesn’t get from you, or worrying about what he says about you to her

You are their mum, you can focus on the kids and what’s best for them and she can worry about her own situation, neither of you are responsible for anything apart from acting with dignity and in the children’s best interests. If you keep them central focus it’s easier. If you both at an event, how lovely everyone cares enough to come to the event, it’s not deeper than that with more hidden meaning, try not to go looking for it x

Thank you all for your replies. I am hoping that perhaps with time, further down the line, I will get over some of my own emotions and things will get easier.

On an unrelated note, I am seeing a lot of you here moving on with partners of your own. I can't imagine at this stage ever being able to meet anyone else and have another partner. Is that normal? Will that change one day?

Yes and no. It very much depends on you and where your life takes you.

Is your split new? Was it at his instigation? These things have an impact (dont feel you need to share) but be aware that the circumstances colour our outlooks at any given time

My daughters dad has had a couple of partners in the 12 years we've been apart. I think it's really important to put aside differences, not react to every feeling and focus on the children. My daughters step siblings have always been welcome at my home, with or without parents. partners invited in. Basically all the children are more important than any of the adults. That doesn't mean we constantly agree and act like the Walton's, but the core message is the children come first and that means adults are civilised. I won't conduct myself in a way that might risk that, even if it means biting my tongue! I've never been best friends with the partners but they are like colleagues in my child's life.

That depends on many things!! From my perspective, having been cheated on I was certain that I would never be in a relationship or get married again. I had 3 years on my own and had a wonderful time, definitely up there with the happiest I had ever been. I filled my child free time with all the things I wanted to do, enjoyed loads of time on my own, time with friends and family and then became aware of a niggling loneliness around 2.5 years in.

For me it was just taking it slowly and doing what felt right at the time.

Thank you all, the message I have got from all this is to meet them as required, be polite, treat them as colleagues, be civil. I will do all those things.

My split is relatively raw to me (without going into too much detail).

While being outwardly civil, what can I do internally to manage my feelings of hurt, comparison, negativity? I am thinking: therapist, journaling, being organised, etc. Also not talking to too many people about this? Because sometimes people can influence you and fan the internal anger. Maybe a few trusted people.

I would like to meet someone lovely one day too, but right now I don't get too much child-free time (I do most of the parenting, I am happy with it this way though, I am also not ready). It is hard being the one "left behind" so to speak, and having to navigate this alone (without a supportive partner). I also don't have any family around and still new to making friends (moved to new area).

My biggest thing is comparison. I just can't help but compare. And it affects my self-esteem, both as a person (new partner is better, ex chose her, she is wonderful and gorgeous etc.) but also as a parent (my kid seems to really like the new partner, they do all the fun stuff, while I have to do all the parent stuff like homework, teach them manners, housework, school lunches etc.).

Anyone been in this position? How do you do this, maintaining your dignity while hurting inside? Continue to be the bigger person and keep on being a good parent through feelings of hurt, rejection and comparison?

Thank guys, so glad I posted, it took ages to pluck up the courage to post this.

My ex has recently got with his partner, the first person for either of us post divorce (as far as I'm aware).
I won't lie that it can be tricky, he made awful decisions such as going against our agreements of how we introduced the kids to new partners, leaving my kids to tell me about his new person and I even think he does stuff with her and her kids without his own kids to save money. But, none of those decisions are her fault. He is the one who has to take responsibility for the decisions he makes.
I always try and keep the kids at the forefront, even when I'm frustrated, angry at his behaviour, sad that I'm still single (and the deadly comparison to the fact that he's not.... Why?!), but I know that doing the best for the kids is the right decision and I always intend to take the higher ground.

Originally when we split I wanted to be like Bruce Willis and demi Moore, but I quickly realised he was not capable of putting the kids first and so now I'm polite, almost transactional with him. I've met his new partner at birthdays and I'll be nice to her, I feel sorry that she thinks shes picked a good one when actually he's a cheat.
My time to shine will come.

Do you do Xmas with your ex?

Oh sweetie, comparison is the theif of joy.

Your kid is just enthralled in the newness of it all, she isn't you. She will never be you!!

Being the step parent in a relationship is the least enviable position. I promise you!! Having done it for 15+ years nearly 9 of those as not even still with their dad, I can promise you as envious as you are she is terrified and out of her depth.

At a guess from your wording she is the OW, that is always going to be hard. Therapy is good, but honestly, the best advice is confidential in your friends. You need your army around you!

I wasn't the OW, exdp's ex cheated on him and then kicked him out, but she still flipped her lid when we got together. She spent an obscene amount of energy on hating me and making the narrative that inwas the bad guy. I tried to be friendly and she threw it back at me. She made life very difficult for her kids. They wanted to talk about stuff we had done together and she refused to let them. She wouldn't allow them to talk about their life with her when with us.

I am not trying to be a martyr, but I am trying to say that you need to make sure your internal feelings aren't unintentionally passed on to your kid.

They need to see that you are ok with them telling you that she bandaged their knee after a fall, coughed and parted and made your kid laugh.

Treat her like you would the mum of your kids best mate that you don't like!

It is really good to hear stories and opinions from a different variety of situations, including what it is like to be a step-parent.

It is definitely not easy. Do you think that with time, it gets easier? Maybe it is hard because I am just at the beginning of this journey.

We don't do Xmas together. But I think we will do birthday parties and other events where we will cross paths and I will have to interact with the new partner. I am very nervous about those events in the future. What if I make a fool of myself? What if I can't concentrate on the birthday party because I am too nervous? What if the new partner is so amazing that I will feel inferior and look all flustered?

No one tells you these things when they say leave. Leaving seems like such a final thing. Whereas co-parenting with the ex and their new partners is for a very, very long time.

It is not a sprint, it's a marathon of endurance I would say. I guess I have no choice but to stay strong and do the right thing along the way.

I think the fact that you're worrying so much about handling things properly says a lot. It's probably going to feel awkward at first, especially while everything is still quite raw. Being civil doesn't mean you have to be completely comfortable with the situation straight away

Just remind yourself that you would prefer your child to have another adult in their life that they actually like and get on with rather than one they don’t like being around.

You don’t need to be best friends with this person. Just give a polite hello and quick small talk whenever you need to be around them, that’s it. You don’t need to waste more headspace on the topic.

Baby steps @HelpPleaseNow

Things will develop organically, there really is no need to have a plan right now!

Yes it gets easier, no you won't always feel like this. And as for feeling inferior, you are their mum. You will never be inferior.

And I promise as a step mum, she is worried about all the same things you are!

Contrary to the populist narrative on MN, we are no awful people. We want a harmonious life too. We don't wanna be besties but we do want to be able to have a "hey. Hows things" conversation without it feeling like we are all walking on shards of glass.

Take a breath, you are doing an amazing job, but in the kindest way, move the focus away from how you feel about her and focus on your kids and how they are coping. They will want o talk to you about how they feel so encourage it. Admit you are nervous abd that that is ok...that it is normal.

It will work out. I promise