Would you stay or try again?

[mumoftwouk88]

Hi, I’m genuinely curious what others would do in my situation. In short, married 11years, both early 40s. We have two children (4 & 7). Over the past 4 years things just haven’t been great, don’t get me wrong there have been some nice periods but there have been so many arguments and on a number of occasions discussed separation. There is no physical violence but emotionally we have been verbally cruel to one another, in the heat of the moment we clash. I can’t say we ever resolve anything, we just fall back into the day to day.

Am I happy, no. But he really loves me, our kids stability is the most important thing for me. We’re currently separated and the fear of it being over is heart wrenching, but at the same time, a big part of me feels it’s the best for everyone. So much has been said I just don’t think we could ever get back to what was, we’ve tried many times and keep having the same arguments

When is enough , enough?

What would make it better? Is that possible?

If stability is important to you, separating is probably for the best. You don’t have a stable relationship.

It’s always minor, like an everyday task or situation where he or I just snap. I find him quite controlling but I know I can be hard work too. We certainly don’t do the deep work to resolve the issues that arose. I feel like I emotionally checked out a year ago and in that time just been scared of causing a rupture to our family. We’ve had some good days since, but most of the time I’m surviving and taking the peace where I can

Continue the separation. It takes time to really see what you need and want in this sort of situation. You need time to adjust and actually consider your own needs.

That said, for me a lot would depend on my financial security. What will permanent separation mean for you and the DC in a practical sense in the few years to come. Will you be ok for somewhere to live, pay bills etc?

I have been asking myself this for a couple of years now. “Can this be fixed”. I honestly don’t know, we’ve both changed and in his case I’d say not for the better

Thanks for the advice. The separation has been going for a good 2-3 months now but I feel I need to come to a conclusion soon as there feels like pressure building, the kids needing to know, him wanting to know. I would be ok financially, probably better off initially but appreciate two incomes vs one makes a big difference.

Is this a clear distinction as one under-functioning partner and one over-functioning? Or have you both just given up?

I feel we both are walking on egg shells, I think I’ve become so resentful a minor foot wrong and I just don’t have the patience I once had and just snap. He tries so hard, he does a lot for us and isn’t a bad man, just says nasty things every few months when we erupt. I just don’t know if the feeling of safety, respect and intimacy can come back after such and absent and damaging period