Is it over with DH? (It's a long one, sorry.)

[LivingOnTheVeg]

This is going to be a long one, so apologies. I just want to get this off my chest.

DH and I have been together since we were 20, friends since 18. We’re now 31. Things were really good - not perfect, there were some things I struggled with that I never brought up to keep the peace; he’s never once tried to give me an orgasm, has never really flirted with me or shown romantic affection because it’s not who he is, little things like will ask if I'm ready to leave somewhere and then walks off out the door before he's looked back to see I'm still putting my coat on etc. We’re quite mismatched in terms of me having very big dreams and ambitions and him genuinely having zero. But he’s inherently a good, kind man - always offering to do things, cooks every night, works hard, never argues. It was good enough for me and I was happy.

It had always been my dream to try living abroad. He knew that, and when we were about 24 he let me get weeks into research and planning before he said he didn’t want to go because his mum would be upset. She probably would be, but she’s also a really nice woman, not a nightmare MIL at all, and if she knew he was putting her feelings over mine she’d be livid with him. There wasn't really any more conversation - maybe I could have pushed harder, but it was very much assumed that because he said that, it was off the table, no further conversation.

At the age of 27 I told him I wanted him to ask me to marry him. He’d never brought it up before, and I struggle with communication (a big flaw, I know, I’m mildly autistic and I suspect he might be too) so we’d never spoken much more about it other than making sure the other wanted to marry at some point early on. We had that convo around Christmas, and I told him to propose to me the following year.

May came round, big holiday, no proposal. To clarify, I never wanted anything huge, didn’t give a shit if he got down on one knee or not. But it didn’t happen and I was upset and voiced that halfway through the holiday. I got a bit of a shit response, something like ‘it is coming but it’s not happening this week so don't get your hopes up’ or something.

Christmas came round, no proposal. I ended up in tears on Boxing Day asking what his game was. He showed me the ring. And still didn’t give it to me. He waited until 11:59 on the 31st, so literally the last minute of the year I’d given him. He didn't get down on one knee, didn't bring the ring with him etc. - which again I didn't care about, I'd have been happy with a casual 'hey, do you want to get married?' but it didn't feel like that at all - it just felt totally awkward, I didn’t particularly want it by that point, and I’ve tried to erase the 'proposal' from my memory quite frankly.

Following that there was zero conversation from him about getting wed, so I brought it up 3-4 months later. This is where it all went to shit. I'm sure he knew I wanted to elope, he never queried it, and then suddenly when I brought it up again he said he didn’t want to because he didn’t want to upset his family. I ended up breaking down in tears. I don’t have anyone. My mum died when I was a teenager, something that I’ve never quite got over, and I don’t have any other family. I hadn’t cried that hard since my mum died and he still sat there watching me fully broken down on the bed and saying he didn’t want to upset his family. Again, no consideration of whether we eloped - it was very much he’d decided and wouldn’t talk about eloping. Once again his mum’s feelings coming before mine. And to clarify, I know it’s a shit situation - me not wanting any of his family there because my own mum’s dead. I know it is. But I do feel he should have sided with me on that one day knowing how badly I’ve grieved since I was a teenager and the fact I'd have felt awful being 1. autistic and not a people-person, and 2. having no family to speak of.

So that was that, we had a registry office wedding and dinner with 13 of his family. It wasn’t as bad as I feared I guess, but I didn’t enjoy it and spent all day wanting to go home. I took myself to therapy days before the wedding almost as a preventative thing to try not to be too upset about it, which maybe should have rang alarm bells for me at the time.

At the same time I was struggling with chronic eye pain. I’ve had tension myositis syndrome before, back pain caused by stress and trauma, but stupidly at no point did I connect the pain - which started not long after I broke down in tears about eloping etc. - with the whole situation. I was in constant pain for about eight months, couldn’t see properly, convinced I was going blind etc., spent a fortune trying to sort it. Really did wonder if it was TMS again but couldn't possibly work out what would have caused it as I think I was suppressing all of my emotions.

Eventually it dawned on me what caused it and it was like overnight I put up this wall and went into fight or flight mode and thankfully the pain stopped, although I still have eye floaters I didn’t have before - not sure if they’ll ever go away or not.

This was 12 months ago and I’m still not out of it. I’ve stayed with DH hoping with therapy and time etc. it’d sort itself out. But it hasn’t. I love him and care about him deeply but I’m not in love with him. It’s like I’ve got the ‘ick’ for lack of a better word - I don’t enjoy spending time with him, I have to force myself to hug him and have sex with him. I wouldn’t say I’m repulsed or anything, my body’s still just ‘no no no’ and I feel disheartened every time I have to do anything with him.

I’ve tried to sort it myself for the last year without talking about it - I know, I know - but he finally asked me recently why I’ve been so distant and I told him, but I definitely softened things too much as he didn’t seem to get how much I was struggling, I don’t think. I did make it clear, or I thought I did, how much he upset me, how he inadvertently caused my eye pain and he barely acknowledged it. He didn’t talk about the pain at all and when I mentioned him not considering the elopement, he said ‘I thought we did talk about it and I’m sorry but I didn’t want to do something I’d regret’ - something like that - and that was it. He has tried - suggested we do more things together etc., but to be honest that was never the issue, we’ve always been good about spending time together. My issue is now I don’t want to no matter how hard I try and force myself - which I can’t imagine is helping.

I think deep down I know it’s over. But he really is otherwise a lovely man. If he sat and read this thread he'd be in tears knowing he'd done this, but he has. I know he loves me in his own way, even if he doesn’t show it in the way I’d like. And I love him, I love the life we had, and I’d give anything to not feel like this and want him again. On paper we have a lovely life - nice home, very good income - and I want a baby, time’s ticking, and he’d make a good dad. But I can’t make myself want it with him. The idea of having a baby with him fills me with dread because I already feel stuck and deeply unhappy. I cry constantly. But I just can’t make myself want him, no matter how much I want to want him - does that make sense?

To top it off I’ve just been made redundant for the second time this year. I am job hunting but my industry’s already oversubscribed and AI is still rampant. I think I have an interview next week which sounds promising. But obviously that’s another huge hurdle I’m trying to navigate now. Part of me thinks it’s a huge sign because if we split I could maybe give living abroad a go. And I know I’d work it out and manage, but I have no self-confidence and keep telling myself I wouldn’t cope because I’ve never lived alone before, and I’ve got nowhere else to go - as I said, no family, and I have plenty of friends but no one close enough I’d feel comfortable asking for help from.

I’m trying not to let history repeat itself. My mum was trapped in a very abusive marriage and when she was dying kept drilling into me to go and do whatever the hell I wanted, go and live life for me, and be happy. I’m not doing any of that right now. And DH is by no means abusive but I’m still letting a man control my life right now.

Anyway. Sorry, that’s a huge rant and probably barely made sense. I’ve only talked to my therapist about this so I very much wanted to get this off my chest. Not sure what I’m hoping to get out of sharing this but if I could borrow someone's mum for a bit, that'd be lovely!

I read a quarter of the way through and I know my answer, I would end it. He doesn't really care about you, your orgasm or your feelings. You deserve better than this.

Agree. You can do so much better. Lovely man sure. But there are plenty of lovely men that can give you orgasms too (and won't put their mother before you)

Dear OP: I'm so sorry you're going through this.

As a therapist, I suggest you invest in therapy to really examine your grief over your mum and your disappointing marriage, to look at why you chose him, and to figure out what and how to change things. As for your husband, you know his negative qualities far outweigh the good and that it has to end. Therapy will empower you to extricate yourself from this marriage.

An exciting life awaits you: go for it! I wish you luck and love.

Yes it sounds like it would be best if you ended it. He seems like a bit…nothingy? And you have dreams and goals. He’s not capable of showing he’s that arsed about you for whatever reason, and everyone deserves the chance to go and find someone who does.

Your wedding and proposal…it all sounds shit. Wait until you find your person and do it for real, you’ll look back and wonder why you put up with so very little the first time round.

Seems to me like one of those situations where you need to tell yourself you only get one life! Be bold.

Goodness.
A man who doesn't pay attention to your sexual needs has to be put in the bin - and that's before everything else which is wrong with your relationship.

End it. You'll be much happier.

All the best to you in splitting up from this guy who doesn't care about you and only married you because you insisted. He values his mother more than you and that isn't going to change

Listen to your mother x

Let me be your mother for a minute and give you a huge hug and tell you it is ok to leave him and look for someone who will love you unreservedly and as you deserve.

You mistook his frigidity for solidity, his indifference for strength. But he’s just not that at all. He is extremely limited, uncurious, selfish, and cold to you. He’s not some big teddy bear if a childlike man he’s just, ultimately, very self centered and unaware if you.

Strike out on your own! Get therapy, make new friends, take new lovers, and start to live.

I am sorry OP, what a shame and what a dreadfully avoidant disappointment of a man he is. You can do a lot better than this.

You know when you’re living a lie and it seems like you you’ve got to the stage where you can’t ignore it anymore. I’ve been there! It’s liberating and terrifying!

But this is hard OP because I actually think it’s not entirely true that “he’s done this to you,” as you write later on.

I totally understand that you would want marriage and security, given you have no other family left. But the proposal ultimatum year really showed you how much enthusiasm and care he brings (not much), and ultimately you cannot change people, you can only decide to walk away if it isn’t right.

It’s ok if you’ve come to the conclusion you’re incompatible in some ways, even if sometimes you get along well.

If the only times he’s put his foot down are about living abroad and inviting family to the wedding, and it’s because of his mum, although it’s frustrating and awful because you’re mum isn’t here, you did have the choice to go abroad alone, or not marry him if it didn’t feel right.

It sounds like you need to spend some quality time with yourself, figuring out what and who you really want. I’m sure you’ll meet someone you’re more compatible with eventually and it will be a breath of fresh air. You’re so young!

This is the scariest part, in my experience. The realisation, the decision to do something. But think where you could be in a year’s time - much happier, I’m sure!

I'm sorry this is too long. Did you put it through AI? Nobody could seriously write an OP like that? I'm not troll hunting just commenting to help the OP produce readable content?!

I'm going to look at it from a slightly different angle. You say you don't have family or close friends, which in itself is telling as it suggests you don't view your DH as family (or a close friend).

You need the opportunity to build a family - and that is clearly not going to happen with him. If you don't have good friends, give yourself opportunities to meet new people - e.g. your dream of living abroad.

Hi op, I am sorry you are going through this.

In some ways I don’t think any of us are going to find a partner who loves us in exactly the way we want to be loved, but in your case, the communication from your dh seems particularly poor and to be fair you haven’t perhaps always been as assertive as you should, and would things have really improved if you had been?

You both got together when you were young and it sounds like the relationship had run its course before the wedding. Plus you aren’t compatible in terms of your ambitions and the future you want.

For all of these reasons, it’s best you don’t have a child with this man, and even though it will upset him to split now, it’s much harder once children are on the scene.

I would also seek counselling so that you don’t bring the mistakes of this relationship in to your next one. Your dh has been reluctant and avoidant at every stage, you were the driving force behind the proposal, and he doesn’t seem to be able to consider your happiness, he likes his comfort zone too much, so he can’t be too surprised or upset if you leave, and you mustn’t accept anyone who isn’t fully on board, committed, and enthusiastic ever again. 💐

Reading this I just don't think you were ever compatible.

You want very different things. You want to travel, to live abroad and he doesn't want to leave his family. You wanted to elope to get married, but he wanted his family there when he got married.

Neither are right, neither are wrong. I don't think its wrong of him to not want to live overseas, or to not want to elope. You talk about your needs for the wedding and that he doesn't understand you wanting to elope and just expect him to go along with that but don't seem to understand him wanting his family there to see him get married.

YOU wanted him to ask you to marry him and practically badgered him and cried until he did. Did you ever ask him if that is what HE wanted?

It just seems like he went along with it and proposed to you because that is what you wanted him to.

I don't think either of you are particularly happy and you definitely seem mismatched in what you both want and need from a partner.

You are both young enough to start again and luckily there are no children involved. Find someone who loves you the way you want to be loved, and allow him to find someone who matches him better too.

OP, I think you know this already, but you have convinced yourself he is a good man because he isnt as bad as other men out there. But a good man doesnt treat someone he loves this way. A good man doesnt have sex with you not caring if you are enjoying it. A good man doesnt refuse to find a compromise for your wedding when part of the reason you need a compromise is that you lost your mum at a young age.
A good man doesnt just shrug his shoulders and go 'thats the way I am' - a good man wants his partner to feel loved and supported.
A good man who loves you doesnt make asking you to marry him a chore he leaves to the last minute.

I have left a 'good man' and ive not regretted it a day since, not through all the hard, scary bits. You dont realise how bad you have it until you are out the other side, trust me.

I fear you don't have an understanding of AI at all. It would have been very readable had it been put through AI, specifically ChatGPT. The fact that it is long and rambling is very human. I think I've seen you accuse others of this on threads before and you don't seem to have a real inkling of what AI actually sounds like.

I think ending it will be hard but ultimately the best thing you ever do, good luck, big hugs and be brave and whatever you do don't have a child with this man. Hope you get a new job soon too. Sounds like an exciting fresh beginning.

I think you know the answer and it's not staying with someone who really isn't good enough.

Please don't even think of having a child with him. He's not a "good" partner/husband, so I really don't know why you think he'd be a "good dad". He's never put your needs and wants first, so why you think he'd be able to do that for a child is a mystery. And when you inevitably broke up with him, you'd be condemning a child to spending up to 50% of his/her life with him, away from you...

AI would make it easier to read, I think these are her words, all of them.