Have I made a mistake?

[KentBird]

I need some advice please as I am concerned that I have irreversibly damaged my marriage.

Over the summer myself and my husband had a massive row, I accused him of having an emotional affair with a mutual friend of ours, however there was absolutely nothing remotely flirty or sexual in their messages (I looked) but I was concerned about the amount of messages they were exchanging and I blew up, I went nuts and it wasn't pretty.

DH has stone cold dropped the friend, he's not messaged her or seen her since back at the beginning of summer, I'm still friends with her on social media and I still like her posts etc, that has drawn some side eye from DH but he's only mentioned it once.

DH's best friend passed away in April, it was a very quick illness and it has affected DH and I don't know, I'm just worried about him. His best friend died and he no longer talks or sees our mutual friend because of me (he was friends with her first since they were teens). He goes out occasionally to the pub and I sometimes join him but the rest of the time he's at home with me and our children or at work.

He's been a bit off with me, at first I put it down to grieving but it's been going on a while and when I mentioned it to a work colleague she basically said what did I expect, I accused him of having an emotional affair with zero evidence and I've remained friends with her whereas DH has dropped her.

Have I made a massive mistake? The messages like I said were not sexual or anything like that, they were mainly talking about her deadbeat soon to be ex husband and general chat, there was intensity but it wasn't every day at all and in person with me they were completely normal.

Yep, you ficked up

you need to sit down with your husband and work out how you move forward. Acknowledging that you have fucked up.

It sounds as though you over reacted. And he’s grieving. He possibly feels quite alone right now, having 2 of his good friends no longer in his life.

if you’re absolutely certain that there wasn’t an emotional affair, completely 100% sure, I’d apologise to him and suggest arranging a quick coffee for the two of you and the mutual friend.

however, there must have been something to make you accuse him. So perhaps you should let time take its course in healing his grief. Don’t pander to him, but make sure he knows he’s loved and valued at home.

How though? I've said to DH that emotional affairs can be one sided and that if I want to remain friends with her then I will. This drew some ire from him but he dropped it because in his words he's fed up with this bullshit.

Your attitude here sucks, I feel bad for your H. Look you went off on him with no evidence, have made him drop one of his oldest friends and his best mate has died so he is grieving and isolated because of you. I’d have sacked you off so be grateful. Maybe talk to him without an agenda and ultimatums and see what you can do to support him. Isolation and loneliness is a killer in adult men who tend to have fewer friends that women of a similar age.

Wow! They’ve been friends since their teens and you put a stop to their friendship for no reason other than you were jealous. Not only that but you’ve made a big and unnecessary song and dance about how they were having an emotional affair but you are still quite happy to be friends with the person who you believe was trying to come in between you and your DH.

Basically, they were messaging, you didn’t like being left out of the loop, created this story in your head that your DH must fancy her and you’ve pulled the plug on his long-term friendship at a time when he probably needed his friends most due to grieving. And just for good measure you will remain friends with the person he’s no longer allowed to communicate with and he should be happy with this because you are no longer jealous, so everyone should now be happy!

Yes, you’ve fucked up.

He was messaging her quite a bit though, what was I meant to do, sit there on my iPad every evening whilst he and her were having a chat over messenger? I didn't like it and I couldn't hide it, if he wasn't having an emotional affair then why did he drop her like a stone, he must have felt guilty.

I think it’s ok to object to him messaging her all evening when you’re together, I really do.

On the other hand perhaps he ended the friendship so immediately because he knew you were right and he had feelings for the friend.

What do you want from this thread, OP? You are defending what you did very energetically. We all behave unreasonably from time to time. We all fuck up from time to time. I too have lost my shit instead of communicating healthily. Your actions appear to have isolated your husband who was dealing with the shock, huge grief and mortality check of losing his best friend. And you continuing to socialise with this woman and saying an emotional affair can be one-sided - that’s so patronising and perhaps also humiliating for your husband. You have been insensitive. I think there is stuff you need to address and fix here.

Women are allowed to have friends. Why are men forbidden from talking to anyone outside the family? Isolation for adult men is such a problem for their mental health. It is nice to feel needed and to give advice, particularly to an old school friend. If you felt her to be a threat, why didn’t you cut contact or did you want to parade your marriage to a woman in the midst of splitting up with her husband?
if your marriage is stable there will increasingly come a time when you will be glad that your husband has a circle of friends. So many older men are lonely and have no social contact outside the immediate family. A lot of women make husbands cut contact with family members too. They often have absolutely no body to talk to. Making a partner isolated within the home is abuse. It is widely recognised on MN if a male partner isolates his wife from friends and family it is abusive. Yet, so many women do that to male partners.

He dropped her because you were behaving like a maniac, I assume.

A colleague told me that she had been on holiday with female friends and when she got home, her husband’s voice was croaky because he hadn’t spoken to anyone while she was away. Increasingly, men work from home. Pubs are closing. Many women encourage partners to cut contact with their families. It is not healthy. It is not attractive. It is dangerous for mental health not to be allowed to talk to anyone including an old school friend because they have not made the cut onto the approved list.

Yeah, you didn't handle this at all well.
He was grieving his friend, messaging one of his oldest friends more than usual was probably a way of coping.

If your H was sat every evening in the same room as you but chosing to chat to another woman and ignoring you, regardless of how long he had known her, then I don't think.you were over reacting to assume he was closer to her than you.
I do think , given he cut contact with her, it was strange you kept you have continued your friendship with her though as though nothing happened.

It's not my fault that DH's friend passed away though?

I fully believe that emotional affairs can be one sided, the fact that he dropped her indicates guilt but he's still distant with me and I'm wondering if he's messaging her behind my back. I might ask her even though she did look at me as though I was nuts when I said that I thought DH was having an emotional affair with her.

DH has friends in the pub that he sees a few times a month, some of them knew his friend and I've let him go to the pub as I know he needs to socialise so it's not as though he has no friends.

Have they always messaged back and forth so often, or was ut a more recent thing? I am not sure that I would like my DH to be constantly messaging another woman whilst we are spending an evening together.

You let him go to the pub? How nice of you..

I've let him go to the pub as I know he needs to socialise so it's not as though he has no friends.

You make him sound like a dog you're letting off the lead for a run.

No not always but we've both definitely become closer friends with her since her husband walked out, DH was best man at their wedding and since he walked out we've both fully supported her and we've both seen the impact on her and her children.

They weren't messaging every day, far from it but she'd message him about something and they'd have a back and fourth for a little while or vice versa. When I saw the messages it was fairly equal on who was initiating the chat but I felt that DH should have been shutting her down etc.

Well he's spending family money in the pub so in that respect I do 'let' him, all of wages go in the joint and I contribute a fixed amount.

Maybe I used the wrong wording but none of my friends would be okay with their husbands going to the pub.

1. He's lost a close friend he has had since they were both teenagers due to you blowing up about it
2. Despite you demanding he lose this friend, you maintain contact with her
3. He has also lost another close friend who died and who he's grieving for and now can't even talk to the first friend about it. Does he talk to you about it at all or is he grieving in silence?
4. He's 'allowed' to go to the pub every so often but you think this is some big concession on your part because none of your other friends would be happy with their DHs going to the pub

And now you're worried about him. I don't know where to start with this, except the man is probably depressed as well as grieving and wondering what the hell his life is all about. Home life doesn't sound especially pleasant for him, that's for sure.

None of your friends would be ok with their husbands going to the pub?!
Sorry, but that is weird and controlling.
I think you need to look at your friends (for this and for coming on to your husband 🙄).