My closest friend and her lack of interest ..

[cheshirescrubs]

In my romantic life post divorce.
she is going through horrid time with her own Family, husband and work so I feel I need to preface with that information.
indent through an awful
marriage and divorce. She’s been with me every step. Amazing. I had a relationship for two years after and she wasn’t particularly enamoured by him.
Some years later, im
on a committed and frankly wonderful mutual relationship for the past year and she has little interest. Never asks about him, has shown no interest in meeting him .. nothing !
we rarely Meet but there is simply no interest which is sad as I am always excited for her good news , which is so rare .
Logically I know she is under huge pressure of responsibility and unhappiness but I’ve never seen her so disinterested and apathetic .
My partners ex wife is a drug user in deep addiction and after many interventions and efforts to support her and their kids for thirteen years , he left with his kids a few years ago on the insistence of his kids, eventually .

My best friend is a psychotherapist so I did wonder if she had an issue with him
leaving his ex wife as she is/ was so unwell. I can think of another reason why she literally does not care . In fact, when his name comes up by other friends, she pretends to be interested . That said, I’ve never been so happy so perhaps that shows even though I would never flaunt my happiness when someone is so sad them selves .

I can be guilty of this, I’m happy with some information but don’t want too much so I don’t ask.
When I meet up with friends I love chit chat and having the conversation move on so I’m wondering if your friend is similar.

Unless you specifically need her to hear what you have to say can’t you take her as she is?

Im
disappointed I suppose. She has always been a womderful
friend but I certainly see that her light has gone out a little .

She doesn't want to sit and listen to you brag about your partner for ages.

Im
genuinely not a person to brag but
Im happy and it’s possibly written all over
me. I’ve been sad for so long.

You’re complaining that your friend who is having a hard time, isn’t excited enough about your relationship

Is she still being a good friend to you? What do you want? I’m not sure I can see a problem here.

She’s not been a friend to me at all for the last year as I think she is overwhelmed . She was particularly rude and passed mean comments about my
appearance a few months ago. Said I’d lost too much weight . I knew she was frustrated and unhappy that night but previously she was interested and excited for me when life went well. Not any
more and yes I’m feeling it

Sounds like she’s really struggling.

I mean you said she supported you through all your turmoil, every step of the way…maybe she feels you aren’t supporting her in her time of need, and instead are waiting for her to focus on your elation with new partner?

Maybe she disapproves of your partner leaving his vulnerable wife.
Maybe she doesn't want to get caught up in the drama of it all - ex wife, drugs etc.
Maybe she thinks you jumped in too quickly.
Maybe she is struggling with her own problems and doesn't want to hear how hunky dory your life is.
Maybe she thinks it will all go pear shaped and then she will be supporting you again and she's had enough.
Maybe she is wondering why you aren't supporting her now.
Who knows.

She’s seen you through a divorce and two years of dating a twerp, perhaps she’s had enough of hearing about the men in your life.

You didn’t put that in your first post, we’re not mind readers

And what did she say when you confronted her about those horrible comments?

can you just enjoy your relationship yourself and if she is really overwhelmed, you could ask her if she needs help?

your first post is very much at odds with this one so not sure what the situation is really

She supported you when you went through a bad time, and now when she is having a bad time and needs that same support from you, she isn't getting it.

It sounds like she's having a really difficult time and all you're worried about is why she's not shown enough interest in your new partner? You don't sound like a very good friend!

Right and now shes sad you just want her to listen to you go on about your new partner? You sound like the bad friend in all honesty.

If you want to salvage this I'd try to just connect friend to friend for a bit. Try and limit how much baggage both of you bring to the table and spend a bit of time together.

Yes, this. Why aren’t you focusing on her now that she’s having a tough time?
Why is it all about you?

You sound like a terrible friend. How are you supporting her in her time of need? When you say “my closest friend and her lack of interest” do you think she could in fact write that about you?

Why are you centering yourself in her story right now? As you say, she’s struggling and she now needs your support or at the very least she needs to think about herself for a while and not you. Can you offer her the support she gave you?

So she supported you through your hard time, and now she's going through one, you want ... her to support YOU through your happy time?

Also OP, I have no idea about your relationship, but I have been in situations of supporting people through a difficult relationship only to have them relaunch into yet another and it IS frustrating.

Maybe she is seeing things about your current relationship you have still not got clarity on and she just doesn't have the energy anymore? It can be easy to miss red flags when we want something to be wonderful.

Also, you mention the weight loss and her not taking notice.

I notice quite a few threads on here where grown women can become almost giddy about their weight loss - a spin-off of the fact that society is overly fixated on weight. Sometimes it is a much-needed health breakthrough, but sometimes it almost seems to become swapping one imbalance for another. And where it wasn't needed int he first place, it genuinely is quite boring. Sometimes people can even look quite ill with it, but I always feel there would be no way to tell them so it is easier to avoid saying anything - and, as you say, you HAVE been offended when she did.

Hi op. Did you post about this a coupla months back? I remember the comments about your weight loss. I think I said to gently withdraw your friendship. No good comes from continuing to let a person hurt you this way once you have recognised it, and you have. You not being her friend will in no way hamper her chances of healing whatever the fuck allows her to be so unkind.

I doubt she’s even thinking about your relationship, Jesus Christ.

Sometimes people in new relationships are really unaware that they are not making time or space in their interactions with friends and consciously or subconsciously dominating every conversation, almost like a show.
You said she has supported you, maybe put your newfound happiness to one side and support her if she is having such a hard time?
As for telling your closest friend that the weight loss is not great, she may see that it doesn't suit etc, especially if you have always been honest with each other.
I think your language about a committed and frankly wonderful mutual relationship is quite telling... I know for me that a friend compared her new relationship to mine and concluded that my very long relationship was shit compared to her 5-minute one... she is not a friend now.

If she’s been as wonderful as you say she’s been then cut her some slack. If she’s truly overwhelmed and at the end of her rope, then where do you think she should muster the energy from to gush for you?

Part of being a friend is recognising when someone is out of reserves, OP. You shouldn’t be expecting her to waste those reserves on you – especially when you don’t require any sort of help. All you want is attention.

Be there for her and have low expectations while she is riding out this time in her life.