How to get out this low

[yellowrosesontable]

Been together 20 years, married 15, 2dc.

I’ve been unhappy in our relationship, unhappy and lonely when he was going out socially, a lot, leaving me with DC at home whilst they went out several times a week, at times including Friday night, Saturday afternoon football into night, Sunday afternoon into evening, also some mid week after work. I was so lonely and angry, it was impacting me badly, so I confronted the situation, suggested divorce, looked into moving house etc

Anyhow he said that he didn’t want to break up, would reduce social activity, loved me etc. currently he has reduced frequency of going out but Friday night and Sunday afternoons seem not up for discussion but we plodded along. I made it known that I’m not sure long term, would only commit to 2 year term on mortgage etc

Now to the point of this, he has been off work temporarily when a project ended, he’s employed- so still earning but basically sat around the house for several weeks waiting a new assignment. His demeanour was sullen, morose, whilst he has never been a ray of sunshine it felt like a moody teen, almost dark presence at times. I called him out on it, he says he totally fine but his face says otherwise, he has been like this before and hates the word “morose” due to me asking him to make an effort in company.

He got busy with projects from home, now he has a new project, this will take him away each week Monday to Friday, my initial reaction is delight, relief, hope that we will be more appreciative of each other but the issue is I’m so low, proper low mood, could being around him actually have caused depression? When I’ve been longing for him to be around more? Considering asking for anti depressants. Is there anything I can do to raise serotonin naturally?

You sound lonely and confused op. How would and how does he respond to your difficult feelings? Is he able to ‘see you’ or do you feel like your inner world is just an annoyance to him rather than the whole actual entire point of life?

I think I’ve given up on the idea of a happy family life with him in it. To the point that I’m almost delighted that he is going to be working away, but how do I improve this horrible low mood?

I’ve found meditation is about the only thing that really reaches what’s actually hurting inside when I’m low. take a look at Tara Brach on YouTube. Profoundly soothing.

Thank you!! I use meditation to get back to sleep, really hadn’t thought of this. Thank you x

So was unhapppy when he was out, unhappy when he cancelled plans and was around more.

Made it known you’re not in it for the long term (if my partner said that I’d be making plans to leave) it sounds like you have possibly outgrown each other?

Sounds like you’re both morose.

Do you have anything in your life outside husband and kids, work, friends etc.

Something for yourself?

He hasn’t cancelled plans to be around more.

In reply to above comment, I work FT in a high earning role, I have friends and an active life.

I do the majority of parenting, cooking, house stuff and arranging DC activities. I need to join a gym and plan on getting Teen to come with.

I understand you are saying about not committing long term but I did offer a divorce when he was barely home. He hasn’t cancelled plans, this is a man who just heads to the pub, often with no one to meet, so would rather going out on his own than spend time with and me and DC. He has been known to come home and complain about how quiet the town was! I pointed out that most people would be home with their families….

So why are you lonely if you have friends and an active life? Do you go out with your friends and have fun? Do you have things you enjoy doing? Do more of the things you enjoy doing to lift your mood.

The loneliness was from sitting on my own night after night and weekends when DC were in bed. My friends would be busy with their families. Saturdays were the worst times.

I couldn’t go out much with friends because I had my DC at home. Him going out all the time pretty much trapped me at home, I tried not to show dc this, I kept up family activities, film nights etc but then when they went to bed I was on my own. I posted on here about it. Got a firm LTB but he doesn’t want divorce, almost seemed blindsided by the suggestion despite me saying how unhappy I was.

Do you want a divorce, OP? It's a unilateral decision. He doesn't get the power of veto.

It's one thing if a man has a healthy hobby that he does a few times a week, like playing a sport, as long as there's a healthy balance of the more important areas of his life--time with you and your children, and doing his fair share of household management.

Of course you're not happy. Sounds like the only contribution he gives is a work paycheck. Most women aren't going to be happy with a guy regularly going to a bar on a weekly basis. He's acting like a single man, which he is no longer.

What does he get out of all of this? A clean house, dinner on the table, and regular sex (I'm assuming). So he does a lot of taking and only gives in one area--financially. He's not even fun or pleasant to be around.

I think you're settling. You have half of your life left. I began divorce proceedings and the divorce was finalized when I was 45, probably close to your age. After that happened, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to hear myself laugh again. I bought jewelry with butterflies and fairies--winged creatures to represent and celebrate my freedom. You don't need any antidepressants. You need a life makeover without him. In your shoes, I'd busy my mind with beginning the process of separating lives.

Sadly the more we get older the less we see partners. Everything can get in the way, you should take everything as it comes and remain faithful and hope he does the same.

This nails it, I’ve almost repeated the line about living like a single man to him. I can’t afford current house without him, despite being the bigger earner and contributor. I think once he starts working away I will feel happier and almost treat it as a trial separation. I worry about the impact of divorce on DC, otherwise it would have already happened.