Conversations with reactive dh

[Whitehydrangea]

I'm married 12 years and have never been able to have any kind of critical conversation with dh because he reacts so badly to everything. I tried counselling and he was initially fine when he did his usual 'aren't i a great guy' act that he does with strangers but after the mask slipped and they saw the real version he refused to go back. I carried on alone but all the tips and tricks to having calm conversations, I statements etc do not work. He is infantile in responding to any perceived slight.

The main issue at the moment that I am getting increasingly resentful about is his attitude to any kind of house maintenance/DIY. He refuses to pay his half of any tradespeople and thinks he can watch a couple of YouTube and do everything himself. But he cuts corners and just does the bit he is interested in and it inevitably looks shit. When we moved into this house 10 years ago there were a couple of rooms quite dated but the rest had been done properly and finished to a high spec. Now there is not a single room which looks good.

I cant afford to pay for everything myself (and why should I) and have a hard stressful job which means I dont have the mental bandwidth to go around trying to sort out his messes at weekends.

I know I want to leave him when I can get the money together to do it but in the meantime everything he touches devalues the house. Ive tried this angle (losing value) as he is very tight with his money ( I have always paid half for absolutely everything even though he earns twice what I do) to try and make him see his pathetic efforts are losing us money in the long run but he doesnt listen.

Is there any point pursuing a conversation when I already have a foot out of the door and planning my eventual escape. I just think we will struggle to sell the house with so many badly finished DIY efforts. WWYD?

I would cut my losses and tell him I’m done. There is no future with him. Why waste another 6 mths, year, trying to get him to cough up.
Clear up the house as much as you can - let’s face it rooms look bad not just because of DIY projects but because of clutter and mess
Get an estate agent around and have it valued.

Houses are dipping in value anyway regardless of bodge diy jobs. Most people don't even know what is high spec or DIY when you view anyway and it certainly won't make much of a difference price wise
As long as it's all clear and clean, painted neutrally and priced to sell, it will sell
Get it valued, see a solicitor and move on, he's a controlling idiot who will try and fuck you out of your money, so make sure you know what you can get 50% or whatever of.

Unless you have big holes in your ceiling etc or a bathroom renovation underway I would personally just stop paying for tradesmen etc and leave him to it, save yourself some money.

It's time to cut your losses. This will only get worse and you have chosen to stay for years knowing his true nature. Talk to a park bench. You are likely to receive the same response.

You seem to be focusing on the wrong thing. You know there's no point in the having a conversation with him - you've tried many times before and it hasn't worked, why would it work now? Forget about the DIY and focus on making plans to leave him. Say his poor DIY lowers the value by £2k - view that as the same amount you would have spent on tradespeople and let it go. It's very much not worth the stress.

If you already have one step out the door, you might as well make it two. If your husband's attempt at DIY is so dreadful that you believe the house has been devalued, then if you need to cut your losses now and get out of the marriage. In another 10 years time, with more rubbish DIY, the house will be worth even less.

Just leave, seriously