I don’t know what I’m supposed to do..

[Nevertoomuchcake1]

However, I know that what I am currently doing or, omitting to do is not right and I don’t know how to change it but something must change.

Sorry in advance if I ramble but I would like to know what other people would do in my situation as I am lost. I have been with a man over ten years, he is all I know. My response to everything is to ‘make it work’ and push through the challenging times but my health is taking a huge kick and nothing is changing.

DH and I have been under a lot of stress these past few years with being robbed of thousands, house disrepair and poor health. I left my job a few years ago to work for his business whilst I was taking chemotherapy. I was poorly snd I felt that it was a matter of time before I got pushed out of my job. I also knew my life would be easier with regard to my schedule and I could also look after our child easier. DH decided to close the business and I was then left looking for a job urgently to which was stressful in itself. It took me 11 months to secure a job and it was stressful. Simultaneously my health wasn’t good so the positive side was that I didn’t have to worry about having lots of leave due to appointments and sickness.

DH throughout the time I was looking for work and to this day, has I feel held me in contempt. He literally doesn’t help at all around the house - acts as if because he is working, that i all he has to do. I am still quite sick, working full time- time, I do everything and not only is it making me more sick but things came to ahead this weekend when he woke up- up hungover on Saturday and started stressing about money. He was saying that he doesn’t get anything and me and DC get new things all of the time which isn’t true. I stayed pretty silent as my heart rate went through the roof. He then shouted that I haven’t brought anything financially into the household which is still going around my head in circles because not only did I work for free when I worked for him but when I set - up his business, I was the sole earner and I didn’t complain. Life is so expensive right now and I have many friends whose husbands are working two jobs and not treating their wives like this. I do love him, he has always been my safe place but after this weekend, I feel like I don’t know who he is anymore and I’m very upset and stressed to the point that i feel like a nervous wreck!

Sorry that www so long !!

So you’ve been ill enough to have chemo
you are the default parent
and your DH is unsupportive,
he closed his business - why?!
he sounds horrible
are you married ?

why do you love him?
what does he bring to your partnership
my DH would never, ever speak to me like yours does

Just get out and live . . .

He sounds horrible

I honestly don’t know why he closed his business and it doesn’t make sense because he hates what he is doing now.

I don’t know why I love him - I can only think because he is all I know and that maybe he will realise how nasty he has been treating me and change.

We are not married, we have one child and I hate the idea of not seeing my child everyday. If we didn’t have a child, I think that I would leave. I can’t believe I am even saying that because if I had a friend who said that to me, I whole be very concerned.

*would be

Bluntly, if he can’t be arsed looking after your child when you live together, he’s highly unlikely to want to look after him or her alone, so I wouldn’t let that stop you separating.

@GiantSuit good point but knowing him, he would just have him in front of a screen like he already does when I’m in bed sick.

He sounds totally selfish, as well as self-centered. I’ve been married 27 years and have four adult kids, one of whom is legally classed as disabled. I had a good career in shipping and earned more than my husband, but under Greek law, one of the two parents of a disabled child can avail of early retirement on a full pension if they meet certain criteria, provided the other parent waives their right to do so. My husband waived his, as my job was increasingly stressful and I was working really long hours, plus travelling abroad a lot. Our son finished school and was at home with either one of his grandmas who were both getting on. We now have far less income, but DH has never said anything negative about anything… ever!
Bottom line is that your partner should be supporting you emotionally. He is going on at you about money and putting the blame on you for his decisions. If he is so worried about money, then he shouldn’t be out spending money drinking and then moaning at you! He sounds like a right pain! Maybe he feels better in himself if he is putting you down? How awful of him.
You need to sit him down and tell him straight how disrespected you feel. No matter how “dependent” you profess to be on him emotionally, he doesn’t seem to be there for you at all. Start weighing things up and think rationally. If he doesn’t change… then you need to reconsider the situation and start arranging a way out. You might be far better off. You’ve obviously been through the mill and he’s treating you abysmally. Sounds to me like you are grossly being taken for granted.

@MJEBinAthens thank you for your comment. Your husband sounds amazing and so do you! For a marriage to last that long and beyond - especially through the challenges you have faced - with four children too! It sets a real example of what a healthy marriage is.

You are very correct when you say that he is selfish and self - centred, that has been obvious to me and people that surround us. I asked him after he stressed me out so much that day - if it is really a good idea that we go to our work Xmas parties this year because if he is worried so much about our finances then I worry that we won’t be able to afford DC’s Xmas presents. Well, that made him fly off the handle and according to him DC doesn’t need much because he had a computer for his Birthday. That made me very upset. I will buy our child’s presents myself to ensure that he gets enough!

I stopped drinking alcohol for my health and he drinks every week without fail!

I do hope you sit down as a couple and discuss this situation. Clear and open communication is one of the key foundation points in making any relationship work. When we say making a relationship “work” it does involve a lot of “work” from both parties. Ask your other half what is wrong with him, you may be surprised by the answer. People usually don’t tell their other half what they are thinking or feeling and the way things then manifest themselves (due to fear of reprisal from a perceived response?) can breed resentment and a chasm develops. You two need to both “work” on your relationship if you want it to survive. Take some time to lay the groundwork and ask him for the truth, no matter how brutal. Both of you need to be honest and non judgemental. Keep it to how his behaviour makes you feel and lay no blame. Ask him whether there are things you do that bother him (nobody is perfect). Best to know what he is dealing with that is making him treat you this way and to see if together you can fix it by agreeing that things need to change and you both putting in the effort. As for your child, material things aren’t always what is important. You shouldn’t feel as though you have to provide expensive gifts in order to matter to them. If providing these is causing stress to you as a couple, remember that the best “gift” you can give your kids in the long run is a strong parental team that is united in their approach and is doing its best for them. I wish you all the very best and hope things change for the better.❤️

Do you really love him, or is he just familiar?

What, exactly, do you cherish about him? What does he cherish about you?

Habit is a very, very powerful force, severely underestimated.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I really appreciate them.

the familiar thing, I hadn’t given much thought. I like familiarity a lot but perhaps he does not. Anyway things have come to a head now…..I think that he has shown me exactly where he stands today when he called me a Bitch, went crazy at my by screaming and then kicked our dish- washer and threw a huge ornament on the floor - which smashed to smithereens!

*me

Ok wow.

I'm sorry, that must have been shocking to have directed at you.

Has he left? This is absolutely end-of-relationship stuff, unless a miracle happens.

I hope you are alright @Nevertoomuchcake1 and have support. You must be so shocked.

It seems like you’ve been functioning in survival mode for a long time with no real sense of being a team or having your partner on your side. Is he a good Dad? Would you feel your child could be safe and happy when with him if you did separate? The situation sounds very depressing.

I hope you didnt clean that up.

You were referring to him as your husband in the op, and you mentioned how other people threat their wives, but you are not married. There is a difference in a spouse and a partner in england and wales. They are in no way the same thing. The advice here would be very different.

Do you both own the house jointly, for instance?

And i agree with a pp that is he isn't interested in parenting now, he wont be if you leave. Just do not let him know you wouldnt like not having the child. Maybe even say what you could do with the free time…

Thank you all so much for the replies. I feel physically unwell this morning because of all of the stress.

He did not come home until god knows when - stinking like a brewery. It was hard because my son received his costume for a party that he has tomorrow and he stayed - up to show him but obviously I sent him to bed when it got a bit too late.

This morning - he has been nasty and I am like pp said - just surviving. I agree that this has been the case for a while. I hadn’t thought of it this was and it makes so much sense.

Going back to this morning / the first thing he said to me was that I was to ask my father to pay for our food shop this month because his DM contributes lots to us financially and my DF does not. I was then told that I was to take DC swimming - I had promised DC i was doing this but he asked his dad instead because he told me ‘mum you don’t like swimming and I need to spend more time with dad,’ on explaining this to him; he just told me how I was not allowed to say anything to him……

he keeps on repeating ‘I am done.’ He thinks that I treated him terribly yesterday because the dishwasher did not need to be loaded at the time i wanted it loaded and I am controlling and I ask too much and he asks for nothing.

so yes - having a lovely day!

I think you are done. Not because you're awful - ofc he's not going to be responsible and admit that he wants out. He's treating you (and his son) like this in order to be so awful that eventually you have to get away.

I think, @Nevertoomuchcake1 , you need to stop thinking in any way this is normal and take the illusions off your eyes. I realise that's very blunt.

He wants out.