Relationship with adult daughters

[Bluedoorhandle]

I am going to try to be fair to the story here as I’m aware I have made my own choices so I am prepared for the feedback.

I have 2 daughters now in their 20’s that I raised by myself mostly as quite a young mum. Their dad was involved but fairly minimally (his choice) so most parenting fell to me.

As background I had a bad childhood myself with an abusive dad, and my mum wasn’t the best at times. I left home at a young age with a man 5 years older, had my children with him. Unfortunately he wasn’t a very good partner so we split when they were little.

I didn’t go to uni but I’ve always had a job, and worked very hard to support us and I have a good stable job and always had stable housing and I believe I gave them a stable upbringing. I did go out with friends and date men sometimes but it was mostly just us and it was great.

But I am now aware that my daughters thought I was lonely and wanted a partner and basically ‘man hungry’. I did want a partner one day, but I also didn’t want to disrupt them or make them live with a partner if they didn’t like them when they were children so I put my life on hold in that regard.

A few years ago (when they had both left education) I met a man online and after dating for a couple of years, we decided to pool our finances and bought a house but our relationship has sadly fallen apart quite rapidly and traumatically. I felt he was becoming emotionally abusive to me and I wasn’t happy to tolerate this anymore. I did ask him to change before I left, and we tried, but he didn’t agree with me so we split up and put our house up for sale.

My daughters lived at home with us rent free. For context, both work full time. They go out a lot and don’t help out much in the house.

I was living in the main home on a rota basis with my ex but when I was home, my daughters mostly ignored me and left me to do all the housework.

During this period, I got involved with a man I already knew, and we are now in a relationship. My daughters have not met him but they know about him. I started staying with him on the time I was scheduled to be out of the house. They are unhappy with my new relationship as they think this is why I left my ex, but it was not and they don’t want anything to do with him. I spent months living in the house on the rota and they didn’t want to spend time with me when I was there.

I have now temporarily moved out of the main home because it’s not fair on anyone as I am with someone else. I was the one who didn’t want to be with ex anymore so I own this decision and I’m not making excuses. The atmosphere at home is not nice for anyone when I am around although I am not actively causing conflict I am aware of it.

Temporarily my daughters still live there for now (which ex is fine with for now) and say they are fine to do so for now as they don’t want to go to their dads house or come with me to my new partners and they are independent. I still pay half the bills on the marital home.

I am in the process of buying a new property for myself and my daughters to live in and this is imminent. They say they want to come with me to the new place and will pay me rent. So this is all relatively temporary.

But our relationship is so strained. I contact them every day to ask if they are ok, I offer to meet up with them for food or a chat, they didn’t come with me to see the new property and I think they are just done with me. I really miss them but I don’t think me moving back home will help. Even if I ended my relationship I don’t think that would help either. My partner is supportive but also reminds me we are all adults and they could leave home at their ages. I also understand that this must all be horrible for them but I don’t know how to put this right and I keep making it worse. I am not sure what to do to repair this or maybe I am trying too hard and just need to move house and things will settle down? I know they judge me, and part of me is embarrassed of myself for creating a mess.

thanks for reading

Take a deep breath op. You obviously love your girls very much I can see and hear it in your post. You have a lot going on right now, life is in huge transition for you all and it’s inevitable that you’re feeling wobbly. Just relax a little and let everything unfold in its own pace. One way of helping you settle is to see that above all you are modelling to your daughters how a woman can make and act on her own decisions even if the world wants her to do otherwise. They will only benefit from your growing sense of self.

You have two daughters who are treating you badly and living with you rent-free while you pay the bills on two homes.

Now they say they want to come and live with you, but will pay you rent. Two questions - is this really what you want, and what makes you think they will actually pay any rent in the future when they're not paying it now?

I wouldn't want to live with hostility and being ignored and not cared for. It's much easier to cope with those things if you have a safe and secure home on your own.

It doesn't sound as though your new man will be financially involved in this new place and I'm really glad of that. I think you need some time to yourself, and think your daughters need to grow up and pay for their own accommodation.

They say they will pay rent as they know I can’t manage without it in a property of the size for all 3, and it’s a far better option for them than moving out independently, I’m only asking for £200 each which covers my utilities etc.

New man is not involved financially and I am intending to keep my own property forever as my security, so even if one day I moved in with him I would perhaps let it but still own it.

I don’t want them to leave home by force, under horrible circumstances I’d rather they left naturally of their own accord

Right now I’d rather live alone, but I’m their mum and I feel like it’s the right thing to do morally

You haven’t done anything wrong, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You had the good sense to end a relationship that was becoming abusive and they should be supporting you, not judging you.

You’re entitled to have a new relationship and it sounds like you’re being sensible about it. Has your ex told them your new relationship caused the split?

I would not be willing to house 2 judgemental adults who have treated me like a maid and are judging me for leaving an abusive relationship.

Should you be buying a new property you can’t afford the mortgage on without relying on your daughters contributions? They could meet someone and move out at any stage? How is this logical or possible?

I wonder if mediation or family therapy would help.

You sound like a good mum who has done her best.

I think your daughters are being unfair but then teens and early 20s are not always the most polite or best company!

Op stop.

Your children are adults. It’s time to put them in that boat and set them adrift a little into adult life before they turn into the daughters of the late colonel! Seriously, read it because it already sounds like they’re already there with their wee entitled attitudes.

Buy a house for you that you can afford on your own. You do not need an expensive 3 bed. Buy a smaller house for you and you alone.

Your kids have been living rent free for a while now. They can either pool together and rent somewhere or they can rent separately. Your house with ex is being sold. Until it’s sold they can use that time to save up for a deposit.

Sit them down and tell them things are changing now and it’s a good opportunity all round.

Yes I think they are treating you quite unfairly as well, as long as you can afford the new house then that's all good but don't let them make you feel bad or feel like you owe them anything, a lot of adults are living away from the family home in their early 20s and just have to get on with it.

I can afford the mortgage but money would be tight on one wage on a property that fits 3 people with bills for 3, as utilities will cost more. I’m planning to convert a living room to a bedroom for this reason as a 3 bed house is too expensive. If they moved out I could manage, as my bills would be lower, I would also get 25% off my council tax, but it would be tight, so little opportunity for extras like holidays iyswim. I could also take a lodger or something. They won’t move out for the foreseeable they have no savings.

I love my partner, he doesn’t take any money from me, I live in his house currently and he doesn’t expect anything, he’s very kind, but I pull my weight in his house and do housework and cook etc. I also do buy food even though he doesn’t expect this. I also was going back to my other house and cleaning it regularly but I have stopped now as neither my children or him were really keeping it in good shape and I was getting frustrated.

My youngest did come for food with me tonight and I have really missed her and we got on ok. I’m not trying to force my partner on her but I said I would like her to be open minded as I am happy and I am trying to do the right thing. But my eldest just wants me to move back home pretty much, even though I was completely miserable there.

I feel embarrassed that I am some kind of tragic man obsessed woman in their eyes who can’t be alone. They said this to me. Perhaps it is true, but I was alone for a long time and I did not mind it. I just see my own mum who has been alone for 25 years, she is so bitter and lonely since my dad left her, I do want a ‘happy ending’ for myself and feel guilty for wanting it.

I think PaperMachePanda

Makes some excellent points.

My worry would be if you do buy a bigger house and depend on their 'rent' you could end up in difficulties if/when they want to.move out.

"I could also take a lodger or something. They won’t move out for the foreseeable they have no savings."

Would you really want to share your home with a lodger?

They may not have savings (and that does also beg the question why not; if they are working and living at home) but they might meet someone with money.

"I feel embarrassed that I am some kind of tragic man obsessed woman in their eyes who can’t be alone. They said this to me."

That sounds like a completely untrue thing based on what you have said and horrible for them to say to you!

I love the saying .... Every story has a happy ending. If you're not happy, it's not the end.

You don't sound man obsessed to me you just sound like you've had a lot of ups and downs. Life is too short to be unhappy and you are just as deserving of a living relationship as everyone else!

*Loving and living 😅

Your daughters, and by default you, are still thinking that you owe them a home and shelter. Do they not want to fly the nest? £200 is a laughably small amount to pay, and surely they can see that it’s time for them to pay their way.

You moving out of the home means you’ve the insecurity of being someone else’s house-guest, and your daughters are enjoying the benefits of your home which you’re not living in!

I think you need to start thinking ‘what do o want my life to look like in three years time?’ and start planning. Is that downsizing to suit yourself? I don’t think they’re being very considerate, I’m sorry to say.

Your daughters think they understand everything about men, women and relationships and are in a position to judge. As they get older they’ll realise it’s not all as simple and straightforward as they think.

But my eldest just wants me to move back home pretty much, even though I was completely miserable there

Of course she does because you did all the housework and she lived there rent free. She’s being very selfish expecting you to be in a miserable relationship for her benefit. He’s not even her dad. Tell her to stop being so selfish and to grow up.

Im glad you’ve stopped going round there to clean.

Time for your daughters to experience renting their own houseshare and for you to find a place for yourself
.

im trying to see both sides. In their eyes it probably does all feel a bit chaotic. I’m not judging but they are living in a house that you’re at part time and they are living with an emotionally abusive man (your words) under their roof. In the meantime you have started a new relationship and are already living with someone else. Why would they want to meet him when you haven’t Tied up all the baggage with your ex? You’re also buying a new house you can’t afford. They’re adults but still - maybe they are a little bit distant due to some of the choices you’ve made. I hope that once you’re in your new place you all get on

Please buy the home that you need for you. You don’t need a 3 bed home. You need 2 so buy that. They need to fly the nest. You can have a house that you can afford the mortgage on. Why do you want to take on another long term debt? Take on less debt. Pay it off faster. Tell them the truth and do something for you.

Our job is to do the best we can up to 18. Everything after that is on them to do the best job for them. They are adults now. And you get to take of you.

What @SunflowerTed said.

It sounds complicated OP. And perhaps it has been hard for your daughters to grow up and become independent in this situation. You are a good person and I hope you all find your way.
The 'man hungry' thing sounds like teenage horror at tge thought of their parents having sex BTW - try to laugh at it, as hopefully DDs will when they are more mature.

Your daughters need to start standing on their own two feet. And doing their own housework.

This.

Let them have their opinion honestly they can,

But if they want to live with you, they need to pay rent, help with all chores and they need to be polite and civil and kind.

And they need to find their own place.

Invite them to lunch one at a time and explain you can’t change the past but in your house they are welcome if they pay their way with kindness, rent and a help with chores.

Let them talk and be accountable for what happened but not a push over.