How much am I supposed to tell partner of the past?

[ChersHandbag]

Just that really. Lovely partner 2-yrs in. Post divorce and I have my own kids, and he doesn’t live with us, but we’re serious and making plans to be together in the long run. He’s very lovely and agrees to give me space to bring up my kids and then we’ll move together later.

I’ve been very open about my childhood and my (badly abusive) marriage. I’ve just started to question whether it’s ok there are some things I haven’t told him.

1. My abusive husband (who we never see and never will) had been married before me, and that created a whole trail of destruction with other kids (I didn’t even know about). I don’t like to think about this.
2. An old friend I was in love with for ~30 years. We were only together a bit and ultimately it didn’t work out, but it wasn’t like a normal relationship— it was ongoing like best friends. I don’t feel like that now, as I love my new partner, which is a big deal for me. I haven’t mentioned this as I fear it just sounds too huge and confusing.

Is this ok, or should I find a way to bring these things up? Would you want or expect to know things like this? Do you have things you keep back?

It’s more a question for people in their 40s or so when there’s lots of life behind you, as of course when I was young I’d share everything.

Neither affects the present or future so unless you want to, no need to highlight imho.

No, I wouldn’t expect to know these things. They don’t sound relevant.

Are you still friends with the person you were in love with and have your feelings only changed because you met this guy? Because that's the sort of thing you should probably be cautiously honest about (within reason)
Not the other stuff that's none of his business

No.. I haven’t seen him since I’ve been with new partner apart from once, where he came and said sorry for all the bad ways he’d treated me, I told him about NP, and we haven’t spoken since.

eta: not bad ways, but if he’s ever hurt me, like a normal thing

Personally I would think that the information about the abusive husband could be talked about if it naturally comes up in conversation, but not deliberately addressed (and if you felt like not talking about it, it would also be fine).

The best friend/relationship I think depends on whether they are still in your life. If you will be seeing them, and your partner will be around them. If you will, I think it's only fair that you let them know that there's history there. I wouldn't go into great detail but sketch a vague outline. Otherwise it will be you and the friend sharing that secret and your partner left in the dark which isn't nice.

Eta cross posted with your update

It depends how you'd feel if he kept similar things from you and then you found out.

I don’t know— and they’re both quite different things. I haven’t told him 1. because it feels like more information about a dirtiness that already hurts me— I’ve done a lot of work to feel like my ex’s stuff is with him and not ruining my life.

I have told my new partner about person 2. but as a school friend who was very positive for me, which is true as well as the more adult feelings.

I think both are things that would come up in normal conversations with a serious longterm partner. It’s not that you have to tell him. It’s just that in a normal healthy relationship, you probably would talk about an unhealthy former marriage or a relationship with a friend (and especially if you are still friends, that would be a big deal to hide that). But it would come up naturally because in a serious relationship, you have serious conversations about your life and how you got to this point.

I’d be pretty upset to find out Dh had a relationship with a good friend of his and intentionally hid it from me for years and then I looked like a bit of an idiot not knowing.

Thanks. That’s why I asked. I’m aware they’re things that should have come up that I’ve omitted. Not because there’s any element of threat to my partner, but in case it made him feel insecure in any way or upset.

It’s hard to explain: it wasn’t a relationship, but rather a long thing that went ultimately nowhere but was meaningful. He was in love with me when we were 16 but I refused. We came back to talk about it at 24 but were with other people, then again at 40 newly divorced we did have a real little thing but decided then not to pursue.

I haven’t told him as I worry it will play on his mind— it sounds more intense than it is, actually if you go through that with someone you really really know you don’t want to be with them.

You don’t have to talk about either unless there’s a reason they come up. He’s not entitled to know everything you’ve ever been through or felt. Did you get together with your ex very young so find it unusual that current partner doesn’t know everything about your adult life?

I don’t feel that you are “supposed” to tell him anything. Neither do l think you have to hurry with this one.

Maybe over the fullness of time tell him things you are comfortable in disclosing as part of normal conversation. Look to the future not the past though. ❤️

Thanks. No, I didn’t get together with ex that young (20s) it’s just that my new partner is very open (or so it seems!) — he’s autistic.