Dv and child contact, supporting wife after me.

[MrsDeathOfRats]

I e been divorced from ExH for 10 years. In that time contact with our kids has been difficult. He’s been an absolute arsehole to me and my DD 14 made the decision to cut him off after he has repeatedly an arsehole to her. DS 12 is currently having limited contact as per a court order. No overnights.

2 years ago his wife after me contacted me to say he had been violent and raped her. My kids know her and her kids quite well and we bonded over shared trauma. I kept my distance at first until she said she was pregnant and I then facilitated contact between my kids and her baby.
Ex claimed the baby wasn’t his and eventually a DNA test proved child is his.
the violence showed up in permanent damage to one ear, and such aggressive rape that she needed surgery.
I supported her to call the police, I supported her through her emotions. I was best placed to as I understood and has experienced him myself (he was violent with me but not sexually) CPS are still processing so no charges have been brought yet.

were two years down that line, the baby has been proved to be his. She willingly put him on the birth certificate and is now facilitating contact between him and the child.

I am struggling to stay supportive. My kids are teens and I’m now in the end zone of court orders and enforced contact etc. I have very little contact with him as he communicates directly with 12 and 14 doesn’t engage with him at all.

my body is screaming at me to step away. I can’t support her through everything that may come if she willingly gives contact (she is staying present for contact too as child is small and it’s all informal so no contact centre etc), I can’t now go back there and relive it through someone else, I don’t even want to risk it.
I can’t support her choice to allow contact and let him back into her life. It’s raising doubt in my mind of how true all the things she told me are.
i have made no effort to contact her since she told me and she isn’t contacting me either (context is when she was at her lowest we spoke everyday)

I feel sad for my kids because they love their little sister. But I’m no longer comfortable and am not sure how to handle it.

She’s still in the fog and it may be a long time before that changes.
Id tell her, if she does make contact, that whilst you wish her the best in extraditing herself from him and with the trial, you are stepping back for the sake of your mental health and your kids. That the kids can still see their sibling so long as dad is not present. But to be fair, if the kids still a baby there’s really no need for contact atm.

I’d tell my children the situation and encourage my twelve year old to avoid him too, make it clear there is no excuse for abuse or rape and we shouldn’t keep men who do this in our life for any reason. I dunno maybe you want the charges to be dealt with first so it’s on paper black and white tbf. But no way in hell would I want my kids near this monster.

I’d tell your fourteen year old how proud of her you are for cutting him off. I’d also do the freedom programme online and share it with both your children so that they don’t end up with people like their dad as partners.

Child is nearly two. I left that out.
head was in a fog when I wrote all that.

my children don’t know about the potential charges. I was told explicitly by a judge not to tell them until closer to a trial date.

I struggle with that as it means allowing contact for my son to spend time with a potential rapist and eventually he’ll know I knew and didn’t tell him.

she did say to me that they have been in email contact recently and he seems nice and pleasant etc. I’m like… yeah. He was like that before he attacked you!

You could have a conversation with them about good vs evil behaviour and how evil people act vs good and use examples that will allow them to connect the dots to him. That way you aren’t saying he did xyz you are just giving them to tools to spot wrong’uns by themselves.

I’d be giving my daughter a few books maybe like “women who love too much” etc… give them the tools to spot abuse and they will be more likely to spot abusers.

Have a chat with your son about standing up for women and how we should never keep men in our lives who hurt women. How it can be hard sometimes when we find out our friends are not who we thought but, there is no excuse for abuse and he’s getting to the age where as a man he has to decide what kind of man he wants to be. One who defends the weak and stands up to bullies or one who enables them. As a boy mum it is vital that we spend lots of time teaching our boys about how to protect the women in their lives. And all women we can. From bad men. And how to cherish and love people with kindness and call out cruelties we see.