Could you get past foul language and massive self-depreciation

[PolliePocket]

This may sound quite trivial and maybe a bit snobbish (I'm not) but there are a couple of things about DP that are really starting to grate.

He works in an industry where saying things like C U Next Tuesday wouldn't raise any eyebrows outside of office setting. He's mid management, people of similar level are the same. He speaks quite well most of the time, but when describing negative things or recalling events from work, his language is foul - not just the words he uses, but the tone of voice too, it can sound nasty.

I will say DP doesn't have a nasty bone in his body, he's kind, helpful - the type to help a stranger with luggage or reaching items on high shelves in supermarket etc. There is zero malice from him in any area of his life - but I worry how people perceive him if they heard him speak so awfully at times.

The other issue is he's hugely self-deprecating! I think we all can be at times, but he just seems more so than most. His childhood and past relationship will have played a large part here, but this isn't something he wants to explore with counselling etc.

I've gently raised both these points, but his ex wife was horribly controlling and used to 'warn' him before going to places about his conduct - like you would a small child. I don't want to come across like that as imagine it could be triggering for him.

Not sure what I'm after from this post - any advice on gently (nit my strong point) tackling these issues welcome.

Your partner's personality isn't an issue to be tackled.

Self-deprecation is a common character trait. Like, really widespread. Most adults swear a bit to a lot. He doesn't seem abnormal.

If you don't like a partner who's self-deprecating and who swears a lot then you don't have to have this one.

Also whether any of us can get past these things isn't relevant. That's your personal preference. It's fine if you can't get past them! In which case you should not go out with this man.

I once worked for a manager whose every other word was 'fuck.' It wasn't aggression, but by the end of the day it felt like I'd been on the receiving end of sustained verbal assault. There were only the two of us in a small office and I couldn't get away from it.

That, plus the when describing negative things or recalling events from work, his language is foul - not just the words he uses, but the tone of voice too, it can sound nasty would be a right turn off. I'd wonder if he was using that language and that tone when he was talking about me.

How long have you been with him?

Actually, I can see why his ex had to warn him before events if that's the way he carries on.

You have to be able to talk about this stuff. It isn't controlling to initiate conversations about it.

I'd say stuff like: I get upset when you use foul language because it makes you seem like someone you are not, someone lesser than you are. You are such a kind, good person and most people associate language like that with men who are narrow-minded and selfish.

To the self-depreciation, I'd say - will you at least look into some of the CBT mindset-training materials - or if CBT puts him off, some of the career mindset training models, to encourage him to use more balanced and compassionate self talk.

You could do it yourself. If he says something like: 'I'm so thick,' you could say, 'You have a good brain - if you didn;t, you couldn't have (something impressive he did - from putting togther furniture to handling a tricky situation).

If he says, 'I'm a loser', you can say, 'I don't agree. You are in work, in a good relationship (and any other stuff) - those are not the qualities of a loser.'

I'm not suggetsing you become his emotional support human - just challenge him from time to time, so he sees himself as you see him, but make it clear, he's not your project. that's his job, not yours.

Does he have any self awareness about the swearing? Have you ever raised it with him before? If he’s done this for years why do you have a problem with it now?

I’m wary of excessive self-deprecation. You mean he puts himself down, rubbishes his own achievements? Maybe it’s false modesty and manipulative. Often it’s in the same basket as low self-esteem, people pleasing, general wet lettuce behaviour.

Im interested that you mention counselling and being worried about ‘triggering’ him if you mention these things. Is he really that delicate?

So you have been warned off telling him not to behave like this because his ex wife did it and it will make you look horribly controlling like her?

Read that back to yourself and consider whether you have been duped.

I wouldn’t like excessive swearing. Up to you if it’s a dealbreaker or not but very unlikely he will change.

No, he'd never speak about me horribly, he's really not that kind of person.

I'm not opposed to swearing, just recently notice how it's creeping in more and more.

I'm not opposed to a well-aimed expletive myself, but all the time gets very wearing and loses any force it's meant to have.

He does know, and yes have raised it, but not made a big deal out of it... TBF writing it, it's not a big deal, but it's creeping in more and more.

He's definitely not using the self-deprecating comments as manipulation, there are some issues from childhood. I have asked if he'll look at professional help, but he said no.

His ex wife was very controlling and manipulative, he didn't see it for a long time (16 years) once he realised, he stayed to provide for his children as he thought that was best for them.

He's not a delicate man outwardly, but I know he deals with some things quietly and I don't need to add to that.

Much of what you've said I do.

He won't seek any type of counselling, we've talked about it and he doesn't see he'll benefit. I disagree, which he knows, but it's for him to decide.

He's capable with lots of things and hard working, but was made to feel stupid as a child and it's stuck I think! He didn't do well at school, but worked very hard and now has a decent level of education via more practical routes.

No, not warned off.

His teenage daughter commented on her mum's actions towards him in the past. Now she's older she's realised her mum's behaviour wasn't the best.

I'm inclined to think that his use of foul language might be his way of dealing with suppressed frustration and anger. He clearly had difficulties in the past so perhaps this is how he copes with it.

You could ask him to rein in his swearing a bit when he's at home though. Perhaps just tackle one particularly offensive word at a time.

Surely this depends on how long have you been with him? So is it a recent development and when you first got together he wasn’t like this?

Interesting. My FIL was told he was stupid, left school very early, got a manual job and basically stayed there. He married a very umm not controlling woman (my MIL) but she definitely had to be the grown up because he couldn’t. He is excessively nice and friendly and helpful - but DH told me and he by his own admission said that he had a short fuse. He didn’t swear but he was very shouty and aggressive at times.

I've gently raised both these points, but his ex wife was horribly controlling and used to 'warn' him before going to places about his conduct - like you would a small child. I don't want to come across like that as imagine it could be triggering for him

Triggered by being told his conduct isn’t on? Boo hoo, poor him.

It’s obvious he didn’t respect his wife’s feelings about his conduct and he’s not going to respect yours.

I suspect it hasn’t crept in more and more, but that you’re just going off him and are therefore noticing it more.

If these things stop you from finding him attractive, so be it; he’s not the man for you. But you shouldn’t try to mould him into a different person; it doesn’t work and it’s not fair.

My ex was very much like this. Always kind and helping people, yet C**t was a common word in his language at home. I actually became so used to it that it doesn't bother me now I just see it as another swear word (which is quite worrying!) . Thankfully my dp is nothing like that!

Some industries have a certain way of speaking- my dh works in an industry where foul language is the norm and it often comes out at home as well. It’s second nature to him to use the worst words when he’s happy, when he’s annoyed, when he’s angry, when he’s excitable. He does however control it when he’s in specific company like when around my mum or his nan for example, but is free and easy with his language when socialising with anyone in his industry or connected industries. I don’t personally care what language he uses as long as it’s confined to certain people. However, I can imagine how mortifying it is if your dh is using that language all the time and has no control over it.

Self-deprecating is just sad though. I hate hearing people I love putting themselves down and not seeing themselves for who they are.

I think the C word is vile . I remember when swearing in front of women and children was seen as disgusting. There used to be notices up in pubs and working men’s clubs asking men to moderate their language on ladies nights , swearing was for the bar where men congregated . The C word was just never used in public , once it was used in TV there was no going back .

I don’t like swearing at all and one of the very few barriers/boundaries I have is that I won’t have certain language in the house, which DH respects and abides by (having been brought up in a house with similar rules.)
They can do it if they want to.

Couldn’t give a toss about swearing
in general, but every other word is too much. As long as it’s not aimed at me or aggressively about others.
I’m very self-deprecating - def due to upbringing/childhood. It’s hard to get away from that mindset.