Sorry for long post, I need some perspective. I am at crossroads. Married 24 years. We used to be soul mates, and very happy, but over the years life has worn us both down. On paper everything is great, he is the perfect husband; but somehow, over last 7..8 years, little by little, I have completely gone off him. Maybe its me who has changed, maybe both.
He is generous and funny, great dad, hardworking and does a fair bit at home. He is very busy, and stressed, with his business. He earns probably 3x as much as me and often helps me with money. I work full time too, and study, and carry most of the mental load of the children / home.
I am from another country and we have lived in DH’s country (UK) all these years. I used to love UK, but slowly I have started to crave moving back to my own home country. But I know DH does not want to move. He has never bothered to learn my language or get my nationality. I speak fluent English and have become British national. I now see that I suppressed my cultural identity a lot, in trying desperately to integrate and to become British.
Our children do not know my language, or culture, and they have no connection to my side of family; as we hardly ever visited my country when they were little. When they were little; I initially spoke to them in my language, but DH told me off saying it is rude, because he could not understand… ultimately I gave up; but now I regret it hugely.
There is a fair bit of resentment for many things, from both sides. DH feels I am controlling and have pressured him to things he did not want to (we had our last child after a long break; ironically it was initially his idea, I caught on it and then he got cold feet, but went along with it anyway…and then felt very resentful when I fell pregnant.) He pretty much ignored me during the pregnancy, and when I went to labor he dropped me in the hospital car park and went back home. I was in advanced labor and very nearly ended up giving birth alone in the hospital corridor. It was such a scary experience and I felt so let down, I don’t think I have ever properly got over that. (DH has admitted he is regretting that, and he has been great dad to our youngest). But he keeps bringing up how much harder life has been because “I chose” to have another child.
Last few years have been very hard; we have just been bickering and arguing constantly. I feel unheard and lonely. We do not connect, or plan for future. We work well as a team, looking after the house and kids, but outside that; we live quite independently and I don’t feel we have anything in common, any connection. The arguments often turn nasty; I walk away as he starts getting personal and insulting me (or my family); he then follows me around house, telling me I need help; I am mad, hormonal and so on.
My sex drive has always been lower than his, but recently I have gone completely off sex. I used to do it just to get him off my back, but I started really dreading it and decided I had had enough. Just the thought of him touching me now revolts me. I have taken to sleeping in the spare bedroom.
He is generally a good dad but clashes with our DS whom I suspect is neurodiverse but not been diagnosed. DS can be a real handful; angry, obnoxious and volatile. It has made life very difficult over the years but I have, slowly, learned to handle him better, so we avoid most explosions. DH’s parenting is very confrontational, and they fight constantly. It breaks my heart, scares the younger children, and DH is not learning.
After a particularly difficult holiday this summer; I decided I had had enough. I told my DH I am done.
We had some serious chats and DH wanted us to try again. I agreed, and over few weeks, DH started to make some positive changes. He started to eat better and lost a lot of weight (His weight had been one of the reasons I did not fancy him). He started to come out with me to walk the dog, when previously he would have watched TV while I went out. He took me out to dinners, even booked ticket to a music festival that I have attended for years, and have repeatedly asked him to come along, but he has always refused.
I moved back in our bedroom; but I still could not sleep with him. He tried not to pressurize me, but it is like an elephant in the room.
So in short, things got a bit better. But I still do not fancy him physically, and I find it hard to connect with him. I worry that the connection we once had has gone forever. It all feels a bit…fake. It feels like we both are making tremendous effort not to bicker or get on each others nerves, but underneath its still the same, and ultimately all the annoyance and resentment will burst out again.
Despite his efforts my feelings have not come back. I care about him, but I don’t love him. He keeps saying he loves me; and does not understand what he has done wrong. He feels that I am using him, playing games; because I agreed to try again but I still don’t feel like anything has changed. He says I am not making any effort…but I genuinely don’t know what I can do, how to get the feeling back? I know it is a me problem, not him problem…
I want to separate and agree a way to co-parent amicably, to still be friends, give him a chance of happiness with someone else that he deserves. He feels I am destroying our family and wasting 24 years of effort. He keeps saying I have enjoyed the fruits of his hard work (true, but I have worked hard too), and I am just dropping him. I feel massive guilt for spoiling it for all of us, and turning the kids world upside down, but I cannot see a way forward with him.
I have started to have daily anxiety attacks. I am currently away in my home country for few days, and the thought of going back to him is filling me with dread. There has been no cheating from either side, no physical violence (just abusive language), no addiction or such…just slow erosion of feelings due to disconnection. DH feels we can still make it work if I just want to. I would love to love him again and for all of us to be happy, but I don’t know how to get that feeling back.. I feel like living in a cage.
Am I crazy, just throwing it all away? Will I regret it? Or will I just waste more time if I try to go against my gut feeling? Has anyone lost all love for their partner and managed to gain it back? I don’t really want to divorce, but I cant live like this either.