I dont want anything to do with adult stepson anymore

[SnugAzureOrca]

Im not sure where to start. I have an adult stepson who I've brought up for 20yrs, he's in his early 30's now and single, no kids. I've always had a difficult relationship with SS as he has zero respect for women. When he lived at home with us he stole, came home high from drugs and would be verbally abusive and manipulative towards his dad and still is.
2yrs ago SS inappropriately messaged a minor whilst on drugs which has resulted in him being put on the SOR. Myself and my family dont want anything to do with him now and we havent but my husband wants us to, he want a "normal family" and forget it ever happened. My husband carries alot of guilt on how his son has turned out as he was the one who brought him up and not his mother. SS sees his mother and her family regularly, they're ok with him and what he's done, my husband has no family left on his side.This is putting a massive strain in my 22yr marriage. My husband is a decent man, always had respectable jobs with high social standing and i know if this was anyone else he would be agreeing with us due to things he says but as its his son he thinks we're all being unreasonable. He says it was just words and he didnt know her age nor know what he was doing because of the drugs and he's stopped the drugs now. To me thats even more why I dont want anything to do with him. When I have my family over husband often takes himself upstairs or ask if his son is invited when my children and young grandchildren are over, im learning to just ignore this.
With Christmas coming, my husband has said we'll have to spend it apart as he doesnt want his son alone, even though in the past he only saw him for an hour or so over Christmas. And if he doesnt see his son, he'll just spend it on his own while I see my family. Im going to my daughters for Christmas day and not rushing home, if he want to spend it on his own then so be it, hes a grown man. I've already had counselling for this and im sticking to what I believe is best but it does upset me as its never going to get resolved. I have to learn to live this life or my marriage is over. I feel isolated and dont have anyone to talk to as my family are sick of hearing about it now.

I’m sorry you are going through this awful situation. I think you are quite right to refuse to see this disgusting individual. Perhaps you and your husband could work with a counsellor to mediate how this will look for you and your husband going forward. For example, how will visits between your husband and his son be managed, for your husband to agree to no longer request invites for his son when your children/grandchildren will be present and so on…

I’d end it, to be honest. Refusing to see your family because you refuse to see his son, leave him to his son completely. You don’t need to live like this.

I'd certainly refuse to have his son anywhere near children, but I would probably agree to SS visiting for a meal. Adults only, brisk cheerful conversation, call out any rudeness or sexism, but make the effort for your husband's sake for a few hours.

Your dh probably thinks how can he help his son turn into a decent human being if he never sees him or sets an example, and I can see the logic in that.

You don’t have to have contact with him, but of course your DH can choose to see him.

Do you feel like the relationship is over?

i don’t think you can deny your husband a relationship with his son. If it means they spend a few days together away from the house, then that’s a good solution.

His son is an important part of dh’s life so you’ve got to accept this. Yes, you don’t have to see him, but it sounds like you shut down any conversations.

Whats the stepson like now? You say he’s of drugs. Is he working etc and got through his troublesome phase?

You say the situation has never got resolved. Is the resolution you want that dh never sees his son? I think it has been resolved, that Dh has a relationship with his son away from the family home.

I have never said husband should stop seeing his son, I actually encourage it. I have agreed to see SS for husbands sake but ss wont come over when im around as he knows I wont put up with his rudeness towards his father. SS only sees husband when he wants something, he messages eveyday as hes is still manipulative towards his father, plays the guilt game and even though he works and earns more than husband, he says he's broke and asks for money couple of times a week and husband gives him, it then ss gets tattoos etc. I dont know if he's off drugs completely so its unfair to comment but I know ss is still on parole at present but has said that if life gets hard thats when he turns to drugs. Husband always said his son would bleed him dry and take every penny and thats what he's doing.
When I said it wont get resolved, I didnt mean for husband to not see his son, I meant in a ways where we can live a life where theres no arguments because of the situation.
Husband does see my side of the family and gets on very well with them all, it just gets too much at times for him, he has stated that he's envious of what my side is like and how well my daughter's have done in life and he's ashamed of his. I have supported husband through so much over the years, health and now this, I would just like us to be happy together again and husband to not try and force me to pretend that nothing happened

Im unclear on whether you stepson has stopped using drugs and shown remorse for his criminal behaviour. If he has, I think his dad should maintain a relationship with him. That might include the occasional Christmas day. Actually, there’s an argument for his dad maintaining contact regardless. You need to decide what, if anything, it would take for you to be able to forgive him.

i don't see how your SS being shunned by everyone in his family for the rest of his life helps anyone. Would you honestly do the same if it was your son?

But he is not being shunned by his mother or his mother’s family.
Nor is his father shunning him.
His stepmother, the OP has had enough of him and his bad behaviour.

But he is not being shunned by his mother or his mother’s family.
Nor is his father shunning him.
His stepmother, the OP has had enough of him and his bad behaviour.

I'm referring to the feeling that op would rather her husband shunned him too.