Messages between partner and client

[chillyfrog]

Name changed for this as potentially outing. Partner works abroad a lot. Has a client who he liaises with for work purposes whilst in their country, and who has a role in organising his scope of work etc beforehand - therefore communication between them when a job is imminent is frequent - sometimes via email sometimes via WhatsApp. He travels to the job 2-3 times a year, for the past few years. However during the last 12-18 months the contact between DP and the client has become more frequent, and not confined to communication about the job. The client seems to message an WhatsApp with an interest in what DP is doing in day to day life, particularly when working in other countries, The client seems to be overly-invested in DP’s work, referring to him in over-friendly (in my opinion) terms and asking him to send photos of where he’s working, letting them know he’s ok, asking him
to stay safe and let them know when he’s back. I have actually spoken to the client during social situations and they are lovely and show care and concern for DP, obviously holding him in high regard. However, I feel the communication between them is becoming inappropriate and I feel that the client is overstepping the mark. They have built a close relationship from a work point of view, but I think that the client is taking it too far in their frequent communication with him. He doesn’t help matters by replying and engaging with the client, and his reasoning is because he ‘feels sorry for them and they’re a nice person’. I have said that I feel uncomfortable about them messaging him and that it broaches the client/employee relationship. I have suggested that the client is forming an emotional bond with DP and that he should stop contact other than for business purposes. Should I let it go because there’s nothing in it from his point of view, or should I be more insistent the messaging stops, because I think it’s very weird?!

are you female and is this client male? You refer to the client in gender neutral terms. I ask because if your DP is not gay then that massively derisks the situation, surely?

Ah, good point! I’m female, client female also.

How often does she message?
If it's once a month/few weeks, I'd say she's just being friendly which would be fine imo, as they have worked together for a long time, developed a friendship and I'd see it as a low key "checking in".
If it's every week or few days then that's too much, and I'd bet my money she's interested in him as more than a friend.

its never balding Phil from accounts is it.. always a damsel in distress who needs sympathy. Of course it’s not professional. He’ll pay a big price if it goes sour and he loses the client… not to mention you also and your trust / marriage.

Is it just chatting? Can you be sure - when he is away are they meeting etc. Ask yourself if you really trust him. Are you genuinely suspicious that he may have cheated or is potentially going to cheat, or do you think the situation is just unprofessional? Has he cheated before / is there any history of broken trust between you? Does she work for a larger company- if yes he could ask for another person to be his contact for example. That also may come with some cost to his work.

Trust your gut. Xx

Is there a big age gap?

Is she feeling maternally about him, in which case I would still want him to step it back a little, but wouldn't be worried. Otherwise it would feel off.

You say that you are worried that the contact broaches the client / employee relationship. There's nothing to stop a client and employee becoming friends, so I don't think this is as weird or unusual as you think. Are you worried about them becoming more than friends? Are the messages frequent or flirtatious?

I wouldn’t like it either.

Ah ok - apologies!

Thank you all so much for your replies… it is purely platonic from both sides, nothing flirtatious from either person and I trust my partner implicitly, I have seen the messages and am with him sometimes when they speak on the phone. I do feel there is a ‘maternal feeling’ element to it from her side, or at least there was initially, however with the frequency increasing and almost an ownership of him tone, I’m a bit concerned that she may be a bit infatuated with him. I have raised my concerns with him and said he’s leaving himself wide open from a business point of view, however he’s so bloody naive sometimes he genuinely doesn’t see that she may be a bit more into him than just a work friend (I’m totally fine with him having female work colleagues that are also friends). She is single and has a busy life with work and bringing up her children, so I do feel there’s a loneliness element to it, too.

When I read all your responses and mull it over, I actually think what I’m asking for here is how to help him understand that their relationship is becoming a bit inappropriate and that he should stop messaging her. He doesn’t want to offend or upset her, and to be fair, I wouldn’t either.

Thank you. This was a difficult OP to interpret as I couldn’t work out why she’d go to so much effort to not use he or she.

Huge apologies, it was an attempt to anonymise the situation as much as I could, but didn’t think about it from a reader’s POV 🙈

Yep, totally get it. People sometimes do it on here so we don’t instinctively take the woman’s side (so will say partner A did this to partner B) but I didn’t know if you had concerns that your partner had a stalker (of either sex), that he was a closet homosexual or that there was ‘another woman’ encroaching at first! 🤣

If your DH isnt self employed, he should definitely address this with his boss or someone senior. Explain he has been politely responding to her texts but now starting to feel it's getting too much, or heading in the wrong direction. They should support him, perhaps by assigning that client to another worker.

He needs to set boundaries so that

1. the messages are only during work hours 2)that only business topics are discussed 3)should be via work email only so that all messages are transparent so that he has evidence should he be accused of anything in the future. If you point out that the lines shouldn't be blurred to protect himself and that you shouldn't mix business with pleasure then hopefully he'll understand what a difficult situation he could potentially put himself in.

I understand why you’ve got some misgivings and think your instincts are probably right in that she’s developed a bit of an infatuation with him. I don’t know how you make him understand this if he doesn’t already. He doesn’t need to cut her off, just slow down on the replies and interaction a bit.