Help me work out the best next steps

[Applemcgraw]

I'm trying to leave my partner who is a functioning alcoholic. We've been through all the promises and it never changes and now I've just lost all hope. We have 2 children together and he has a child from a previous relationship who lives with us full time. This makes it very difficult to leave because ideally I would like to buy him out of our house. He can't afford to buy me out, but when I have suggested this to him in the past he has said no and that if I want to leave then I need to be the one to go. The problem is that we love rurally and options for both rentals and buying a property are seriously limited. I have been waiting and looking for so long and suddenly two rentals have come on the market locally. It would be for myself and my 2 and 4 year old children.

One property is a very small one bedroom place. It has a lovely garden for the children and is £750 a month, including bills. However it is only available for the next 4 months. This has pros for me as I don't want to be renting long term anyway and want to either buy him out of our house together or buy my own place. It also means if I need to go down a legal route, i am only in temporary accomodation which i think could be a benefit on that front. The other is a lovely 3 bedroom house with a garden. It is unfurnished and costs £1200 a month, plus bills and council tax in addition. I could just about manage this on my wage but things would be tight and I would have to careful with money. I worked out the figures and it would cost me £1000 more a month to live here than in the other place, although it is much more of a long term option and a family home.

The thing is, I can only buy my partner out because my parents would give me the money to do so. Financially I am actually in a bad place as financial abuse from OH has led to me using all my savings to get by. Saving that extra £1000 a month, even if just for 4 months, would help me a lot on that front and also meant one less thing to stress over.

I am leaving out lots of information for ease, but due to things that have happened in our relationship, I struggle very badly with anxiety and panick attacks. Having a few months of not stressing over money and how I'll get by feels like a big positive. But obviously the place is far smaller. My children come into my bed during the night anyway so us sharing a bed would be fine.

I just can't decide if I go for the longer term but more expensive option, or the shorter term but far more economic option.

Don’t leave;tell him you’ll buy him out;if he won’t let you then put the house on the market and use your equity and help from your parents if their offering to buy somewhere else but whatever you do don’t move out of a house you own into a rental as your on the hook for rent and a mortgage whilst your OH carries on living there at your expense.

I can see why you would say that but honestly, it will be awful to stay with him in the house while waiting to sort all that out and I don't want my children around it. Things have happened that I could use to apply for an exclusion order but that would also be turfing my stepchild out which I don't want to do. My only realistic option is to get out myself.

You need to put yourself and your children first. Apply for the exclusion order.

It sounds really tough at the moment @Applemcgraw . It’s good that you’re making plans and ending this relationship is absolutely the right thing to do.

Realistically would the 4 month rental give you enough time to buy your ex out? I don’t know how long it takes but if he’s reluctant and then you’ve got paperwork/legal stuff on top, would you have it all done in 4 months? What would your options look like if it wasn’t sorted in that time?

Appreciate that saving some money feels like the right thing to do but it’s worth thinking through what happens if it doesn’t all go to plan in the tight timeframe you’ll have.

That's definitely a concern because to me 4 months sounds like a long time but maybe it's not. I could potentially buy somewhere else with the money from my parents, without the sale of our current house going through yet, but it depends on something coming on the market within a certain price that would be suitable for us. Right now there's nothing. If something doesnt come up the concern for me would be that I end up going back, unless I can put in for an exclusion order to get back into the house. I have an appointment with a solicitor Tuesday so will hopefully get advice on that front then. I think they will likely suggest I apply for the exclusion order now but I don't really want to for a couple of different reasons.

I'm a bit scared of managing financially in the bigger house.

I’m sorry you’re in this predicament and hope you can buy your ex out. Four months doesn’t seem like long enough given he’s an arsehole. He’ll dick around for the pleasure of it and then you’ll have to disrupt the kids by moving again. I’m not sure what the rental market is like where you are but could you put an offer in on the rent for the more expensive property? It might just help bridge the gap for you.

I'd wait until Tuesday to see what the solicitor says about the exclusion order and also what the options are for forcing the sale of the house. Either way I think you need to be prepared for the process to drag on and to plan accordingly.

Rentals here are like gold-dust so it would be really unlikely that they would come down on the price.

Can you put your house on the market at least?

I would like to but I know that both these properties have numerous interested people but because I'm constantly searching, I got in touch first but if I am not quick in getting a deposit down then they will both be gone. The last place that came up was in August and I thought the discussions with the owner were working towards me letting it and it was arranging a viewing to see the property and meet with the owner but they suddenly told me it was gone because someone had put down a deposit without viewing (which I didn't even know was an option, the owner didn't even have photos of the house).

Not without his permission. The thing is I would actually like to buy our property from him. He actually works away a lot and I care for my stepchild when he does, he can't afford the house if he doesn't work away but he can't work away without me being here to care for my stepchild, so I'm kind of hoping that me being out of the house will make him realise that and then he will accept me buying him out. Either that or hope another suitable place comes on the market.