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Original poster

Dating woes

10 replies

Dating40s · 31/10/2026 12:33

Hello, I'm in my early forties and I've been dating for the past five years using dating apps. I seem to have no problem going on dates or getting lots of likes and interest.

Most of the men aren’t great though and I'm not even expecting much, to be honest. And often I'll go on a few dates to give a man a try. Often I won't like him. But I've had a few short-term relationships with clearly avoidant men who get cold feet at the six to nine month mark. And then they go back on the dating apps. It's classic textbook avoidant stuff, which, you know, is hardly surprising. There will be a greater number of avoidant men on the dating apps in my age group who struggle to maintain or start relationships.

But it's really starting to get me down. And I just can't face it anymore. I'm tired. I've taken a break of a year. I know it does work for some people. I have friends who have found their partners on online dating, and some recently too. But I'm just starting to despair and think it might not happen for me. It’s hard not to question myself, although many of my lovely girlfriends are going through similiar. I just feel stupid for when attempting it again. How to get over this block? Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
Mischance · 31/10/2026 12:36

I think you need to get stuck into something other than dating and move your focus.

It's not working out for you and you need to be enjoying yourself.

NowStartingOver · 31/10/2026 12:54

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Try new methods of meeting people, or try going for different type of men?

PumpkinWanker · 31/10/2026 13:03

I’m sure you already are doing things aside from dating.
I think it’s often down to luck and/or timing. You hear a lot of people who meet and settled with the first person they go on a date with on here. I’ve never heard of that in real life although statistically I’m sure it happens.

I honestly think it’s not down to you as a person it can be just a depressing numbers game and so far you’ve not met a decent long term prospect. No advice really except solidarity OP.

Original poster
Dating40s · 31/10/2026 14:19

NowStartingOver · 31/10/2026 12:54

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Try new methods of meeting people, or try going for different type of men?

I’ve done it all
dating events
cast my net far and wide

OP posts:
Original poster
Dating40s · 31/10/2026 14:20

PumpkinWanker · 31/10/2026 13:03

I’m sure you already are doing things aside from dating.
I think it’s often down to luck and/or timing. You hear a lot of people who meet and settled with the first person they go on a date with on here. I’ve never heard of that in real life although statistically I’m sure it happens.

I honestly think it’s not down to you as a person it can be just a depressing numbers game and so far you’ve not met a decent long term prospect. No advice really except solidarity OP.

Thank you this helps
it is just a numbers game at the end of the day, it’s just so exhausting

OP posts:
aquashiv · 31/10/2026 14:30

Do you know what you’re looking for in terms of commitment and so on? That's usually the best place to start. Often we look for the wrong thing.

ScorpionLioness79 · 31/10/2026 14:49

I'd expand your methods by going to Meetup.com activities. Join short term or longterm volunteer activities, such as environmental cleanups, being a docent at a zoo or museum. Joining a book discussion group. Taking classes in art, pottery, cooking, gardening, dancing.

Make a goal of getting out of the house twice a week. Even if you don't meet an interesting guy at a particular event, you might still enjoy meeting new people and having fun at the activity.

One couple I know met while volunteering at the zoo. One met her husband at the car lot while shopping for a new vehicle. Two women I know met their husbands at a bar. One met her bf of 1 year by selling something he bought from her on Facebook Marketplace. The common denominator was that they were all outside of their homes in order to come across their future loves.

I know how frustrating OLD is because I did it myself for several years after my first marriage ended. I did meet my present husband on OLD, but did try many of the other activities I mentioned. Good luck!

Nosdacariad · 31/10/2026 14:50

Dating40s · 31/10/2026 12:33

Hello, I'm in my early forties and I've been dating for the past five years using dating apps. I seem to have no problem going on dates or getting lots of likes and interest.

Most of the men aren’t great though and I'm not even expecting much, to be honest. And often I'll go on a few dates to give a man a try. Often I won't like him. But I've had a few short-term relationships with clearly avoidant men who get cold feet at the six to nine month mark. And then they go back on the dating apps. It's classic textbook avoidant stuff, which, you know, is hardly surprising. There will be a greater number of avoidant men on the dating apps in my age group who struggle to maintain or start relationships.

But it's really starting to get me down. And I just can't face it anymore. I'm tired. I've taken a break of a year. I know it does work for some people. I have friends who have found their partners on online dating, and some recently too. But I'm just starting to despair and think it might not happen for me. It’s hard not to question myself, although many of my lovely girlfriends are going through similiar. I just feel stupid for when attempting it again. How to get over this block? Any words of wisdom?

Come on over to the dating thread xxx

NowStartingOver · 31/10/2026 14:58

Well it just shows the problem with the dating apps. The men with the good profiles are the types that are getting selected and then they're awful in real life. They know how to play the system. It's why I can't be doing with the apps, people are too focused on finding the perfect profile, not the perfect real life partner. I find it a lot easier to judge someone in real life.

I would just ditch the apps and meet people in real life, even meeting other women and gaining friendship is better than being at home on the apps.

Buggy241 · 31/10/2026 15:03

It's tough going and I really feel for you. Although at least in your time youve had something that's lasted 6-9 months. In 4 years I've managed the rather poor milestone of 4 consecutive dates!!
I know I'm lovely though so it just proves the difficulties of dating in general.

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