Help! Is it possible to let past hurt go or should I cut my loses and leave?

[Expertinadyingfield]

Apologies for the long post - I've tried to keep it to the main points as there is a lot more backstory but it's still pretty lengthy. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads to the end!

DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for 12 and we have a 13 year old DD together. We have had our ups and downs over the years, mainly due to the way his sister, mum and dad treated me and his lack of support over this. His sister was particularly unpleasant but, while DH has spoken to her about some things she has done, it has always been to find out why she's acted the way she has rather than being annoyed at her as he couldn't believe she'd be nasty towards me without good reason. He has always prioritised her feelings over mine and admitted a few years ago that her feelings matter more to him than mine because she's his sister and they have a 'special bond'.

I've tried over the years to put this behind me - the old 'rise above it' thing - but, if I'm honest, coming second best to his sister has made me feel like crap. We've had times when life has been great, but that last few years have been tough, and I am now questioning whether I want to stay with DH or not.

My DM passed away nearly three years ago after spending a long, hard six years living with dementia. Before she died, she was living in a nursing home around two hours drive away (nearer to my sister). At this time, my sister had not long been diagnosed with cancer so I was doing a lot of the decision making and caring for our DM as DSis couldn't cope with that on top of her treatment.

A week before DM died, I got a call from the nursing home asking me to come as DM wasn't well at all - she couldn't get out of bed and was very distressed. When I got there it was awful and I was told that she was very near the end and would need to sort out end-of life care. This was around 9pm so I called DH and was, understandable, really upset.

The next day I went through the horrible job of arranging end-of-life care all while watching DM being confused and distressed. During that whole time, I had no contact from DH - not even a text to see how I was getting on or to let me know he was thinking of me. I eventually called him at 2pm to give him an update and it was as if we were talking about the weather. At the time, I was too upset and exhausted from advocating for DM to really register his lack of care but it later hit me.

Fast forward a few months and we flew back to our home country so that I could take DM's ashes home to be buried with my dad. The burial was due to take place on our last but one day there and about a week into our trip DH told me he'd arranged a big meal out with his friends, their partners and children for the day that my DM was being buried. I know his friends but we are in no way close so I was kind of taken aback that he'd do that for the day of DM's burial. I told him I probably wouldn't go and he was a bit put out and couldn't see why it would be a problem.

All this happened a couple of years ago, but I can't seem to get back past how uncaring DH was at a time when I really needed his support. For context, his mum passed away a couple of years before mine and I took time of work to support him and looked after everything at home for months so that he could spend as much time as he wanted with his mum before she passed. I didn't do this so that he'd do the same for me but it's just what I'd do for someone that I love and care about.

My DSis also passed away last year, and I coped (kind of) with my grief alone without turning to DH as I didn't want to feel rejected again.

We have talked about where we go from here and I've told DH that I'm not sure if I want to carry on together. He seems to think that I should let go of what happened around my mum's death as he has been kind and consideration to me at other times and, to be fair, he's making a real effort lately. I wish I could but, to me, burying my mum, and being told she only has days left to live, are huge life events and his lack of care at those times speaks volumes about how much he really thinks of me. Coupled with his admission about his sister coming first, I feel like i've reached the end and would rather be on my own than with someone who acts like they don't care. I suggested couples counselling a while back but DH didn't want to spend money on this as he didn't think we needed someone else telling us what to do.

I'm also conscious of doing what's best for DD and don't want to break up her family if I can avoid it - but I also don't want her to live in a house with parents who have a messed-up relationship. It's been a hard few years for her losing her grandma and auntie but she's amazing and doing well with a good group of friends and lots of things going on.

Is it possible to move past this or am I best to cut my losses and start over on my own?

i could never forgive him

I could not let that go. I would not want to be with someone who I could not rely on when things were really bad.

No. You're done and you know it.

No, his callousness when your mum died is not something you should let go. It tells you who he is. He can fuck off.

It sounds like you just aren't the priority you should be in his life. The comment on his sister is particularly weird. If he'd never let you down in other ways I might think the loss of your mum was triggering for him after his own bereavement. But this is a pattern and as ever...when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Thanks for the responses. You've all really confirmed what I am thinking, there's no going forward with someone who has shown how they feel by their actions. I guess I kept hoping I could find a way through as, quite honestly, I don't know if I have the strength to start over on my own. I've been through one hard and painful divorce many years ago (my ex was a real piece of work) and I thought my current DH was 'the one' when we got together. I'm genuinely a bit broken by it all but need to find a way to push on for my DD's sake.

I know (or hope!) that I'll start to feel so much better when I take the leap as I'll no longer feel the way I do. It all just a bit scary to be starting over in my 50's!

You know who he is. Why would you forgive him? He's a horrible person and shouldn't have access to your life.

He sounds appalling. I am sure you will be much happier single.

I know what you are going though and it’s especially hard if he is sorry now and is being really nice now.

But you will never just ‘move past it’ it has to be worked out as it hurt you so deeply.

This is just my own observations but I notice people who say things like ‘I can’t change the past, we are where we are’ are the ones that don’t get it, don’t want to talk about it and are likely to do it again.

Would you consider going to marriage counselling and talking it out? Just saying that it really needs to be acknowledged, and spoken about even to confirm your feelings that it will or won’t happen again. You no longer feel safe with him and that takes a lot of work to recover that.

He probably thinks marriage counselling will be like a firing squad but if you explain it like you are both facing the issue together and he won’t be the target, the aim is to resolve the issue then maybe he might reconsider. It’s worth a shot. He obviously knows though that he has done something very bad and that’s why he is afraid to go to the counselling.

He’s already broken this family unit by his overall lack of compassion and caring for you as his wife . He cannot do or address anything that is itself uncomfortable to him. How else to explain his priority over you re his sister’s feelings and a family get together the very day your late mothers’s ashes are interred?. If the shoe was on the other foot I dare say he would not have been at all forgiving.

Be on your own and in turn teach your dd that’s is okay to not stuff down your own feelings and emotions. And there’s nothing wrong re starting over in your 50s.

And it’s no surprise he does not want to go to couples counselling. He knows on some level he’s messed up here big time and his excuses for not wanting to go are poor.

Hi OP.

It reads to me as though you are the background to the foreground of his original family.

And that would annoy me too.

You say you don't know if you have the strength for another divorce, but look at this way - next year you will be in a small place with your daughter, and everything will be under your own belt - the bills, the running of the home, the way it is decorated, your lives together, your working life, your social life, your future. No irritants, everything nice and settled. And you won't be p'd off with someone not being what you had hoped they would be, what they should be. And you won't ever have to see the sister again either! I lived this way very happily before getting married. If I am ever alone again, I will live that way again.

You have been through so, so, much and losing such beloved people does make you face your own mortality.
Do you want to spend the rest of your precious days with this man? Because I think you know the answer.
It is the comment about the sister I find extra disturbing - it is creepy. If his sister matters more than send him back to her.
In your 50’s it’s just a thing to no longer want to put up with this crap.
And couples counselling won’t help. He will just keep repeating what he’s said to you.
Free yourself from this because I bet if your mum and sister could get a message to you they would tell you to go for it, enjoy your life and build a better future.
And don’t think he’d ever be there if you needed care he had shown you who he is.
Let his sister take care of him.

I am so sorry. I felt guinely sad reading your post. Organising a big slap up meal with his friends on the day of your mum's funeral is beyond appalling as is the lack of emotional support when you were sorting out end of life care and called him.

It really reminds me of a previous relationship I had and I realised this man was showing me who he is. I don't think it matters that he's tried to be better since then, these are big pivotal moments in your life where he has not only let you down but actually treated you with such dismissal and negligence. I could never look at him again. You deserve better than that, a life alone can still be full of self respect and happiness.

I'm so sorry you've been so badly let down by your husband. I'm so sorry about the loss of your your mother and sister. that's a huge double blow.

he has consistently shown a lack of prioritising you and being loving and supportive towards you. He isn't going to change. He's a callous, unfeeling, insensitive person. You cannot marriage counsel respect, compassion and care into someone.

sounds like he's sucking you back in now that he thinks you'll leave him. That's a technique called 'hoovering' that men like him use to stop you leaving them. I can guarantee that this is a temporary change anyway.

I bet he's only making an effort now because he doesn't want to lose his marriage to someone as caring and forgiving as you. That's not the same as not wanting to lose you - he wants you for what you provide for HIM.
He values your utility, not YOU.

You deserve a million times better than that.

My ex made a horrible comment after my dm's passing and though we separated for other reasons later, that upsetting comment has never left me.
I was divorced from him by the time I lost my dad and I was so relieved not to be dealing with ex as well as my grief over my dad.

I really hope you find the strength to leave and make a happier life away from him.

I'm so sorry for your loss of your mum and sister 💐

I think you have put up with an awful lot - you say you thought he was the one but he has been showing you who he is with his uncaring behaviour for years. He has put his sister before you when she has been nasty to you and that alone would be enough for me to leave. His behaviour towards you when you were coping with losing your mum in such a distressing situation is unforgivable. I wouldn't be able to feel anything other than contempt for him.

You have a lot of life ahead of you and you can absolutely start again. You have a lovely daughter and you will have the time and space to build a happy and fulfilling life for yourself. Take the plunge - you won't regret it.

God, I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. It must have been so difficult

Honestly, your DH sounds like a really unpleasant man. It's not like there's just been one incident where he messed up: he's shown a pattern of unkind, callous behaviour towards you over a period of years.

He has always prioritised her feelings over mine and admitted a few years ago that her feelings matter more to him than mine because she's his sister

I think if my partner had said that to me, I'd have left him at that point.

I couldn't forgive this behaviour. When my Mum had a stroke, my husband was in London with work. I called, and he caught the first available train home. I didn't have to ask him to do it, he just did it. Your husband couldn't even show you basic concern, let alone love. You're his wife, the woman he's supposed to love. Actions speak louder than words, and your husband's actions tell you all you need to know.

I would be thinking very hard about what it is you want and where you see your future.

I'm sorry to hear that others have been through similar with their current or ex-partners. I just can't imagine acting that way towards someone I'd supposedly chosen to spend my life with but there are plenty that do, sadly.

@Junenights your comments have really resonated. I remember asking DH a while back what it was that he loved about me and his response was something along the lines of how I made him feel good (that wasn't the exact phrase but it was something that made it about him rather than saying something nice about me if you see what I mean). I think he's now realising that I'm done.

I've lived alone before and the picture you painted @something2say of life on my own (with DD!) sounds idylic! I remember the joy of little things like being able to eat what I wanted for tea rather than cooking a full meal, or going to bed when I wanted without someone quizzing me on what I'm doing. DD is fantastic company and it's great now that she's at an age where I'll be able to start going out and having a social life again as this is something that's been lacking for the last 6 years or so as life's been a constant round of caring for others.

Thanks for giving me hope that things can get better, and for giving me a place to talk that I don't currently have irl.